DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster, SMOOKS has sent us the task to share our thoughts on what could happen to Fev during trade week.

SMOOKS: It is with pleasure that I note that the AFL’s Greatest Knucklehead Brendan Fevola is being traded by those tanking Blues.

Word is that his Brownlow night shenanigans are too shocking to mention and as a consequence, the parties are heading their own direction.   

In my opinion, he must have done something as shocking as waking up next to Caroline Wilson in the morning. Uurrgghhhh 

Anyhow, it would be great to hear anyone else’s thoughts as to how pissed he really was.

Please share your thoughts on ‘The Fate of FEV’

(pic: Nicole Coutts)

FEV

The jokes are out on Bredan Fevola. (lovingly sent to us by DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster, KING CAREY).

Carlton recruits a 6′10″ African for 2010. He is very athletic but has no 
football experience. They decide to put him in the forward line. At the 
first training session Ratten gets all the forwards together to go through 
the game-plan. He speaks very slowly:
 
‘Carlton man get ball in midfield. When you see, you run toward Carlton 
man. Carlton man kick ball to you. You catch ball..’ The African pipes up: 
‘Mr Ratten, I can speak perfect English Sir.’
 Ratten replies ‘Yes I know. I was talking to Fev.’
 
***********************************
 A man, on his way home from work was stuck in traffic which was much worse  than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked,  “Officer, what’s the holdup?”
 
The policeman says: “Brendan Fevola is so depressed about his behaviour at 
the Brownlow that he’s stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself 
in petrol and set himself on fire. He says everyone hates him. His wife is 
leaving him and taking everything and he’s going to lose his $750,000 
contract at Carlton. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”
 
“Oh, really?” the man says. “How much have you collected so far?”
 
“So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.
 
********************************
 Q: What do Fev and a bottle of beer have in common?
 A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
 
********************************
 Fev is staggering home after Brownlow night when he’s stopped by a 
policeman, who asks him “Have you any ID?” Fev replies “Bout What?”
 
***********************************
 Fev leaves the Brownlow after-party and decides he needs another drink. He  staggers through the front door of a bar. Obviously drunk, he lurches up to  the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for 
a beer.
 
The bartender politely informs Fev that it appears that he has already had 
plenty to drink. He would not be served additional liquor at this bar, but 
could get a cab called for him.
 
Fev is annoyed, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out 
the front door.
 
A few minutes later, Fev stumbles in through the side door of the bar.
 He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a beer. The bartender comes over 
and still politely, but more firmly, refuses to serve him due to his 
inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
 
Fev looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself 
out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
 
A few minutes later, Fev returns, bursts in through the back door of the 
bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently 
orders a beer.
 
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly 
drunk, will not be served a drink and either a cab or the police will be 
called immediately.
 
Fev looks at the bartender and yells at him in a rage, “Man! How many bars 
do you work at?”

So.

The serial tanking team, Carlton are up to their old tricks again. I read with interest that Carlton suck, Eddie Betts, Carlton suck, Cameron Cloke and Carlton suck, Jeff Garlett (whoever he is) have been suspended for 1 week by the Carlton footy club for turning up late to a training session last weekend.

These suspensions will harm Carlton’s chances against the Crows this weekend in their bid to boost their finals aspirations.

But I’m a suspicious man.

I really believe this is a prime example of the Cheating Carlscum Footy team tanking so they can manipulate their position in the final eight, just so they don’t have to play Essendon in round 1 of the finals.

Typical Carlscum.

GROUNDHOG DAY AT THE AFL

It’s becoming boring.

Everytime there is a draw in the AFL, the reporters, press and talk back radio stations go beserk with the ‘Why do we have to have the draw’ syndrome.

As soon as the siren went in the Richmond v North drawn game, I knew we would be going into meltdown with the whinging and grissling of the AFL press who are desperate for a story…any story…

It’s the same each year for the ANZAC Day clash as well – GROUND HOG DAY. “Let’s have a phone in to see if your club deserves to host the ANZAC DAY clash” they cry.

Then they start on getting rid of the umpires bouncing the ball.

It’s boring and monotonous.

These are all fantastic parts of our unique game.

Let’s face it. I love the AFL draw. It’s tense and exciting in the last moments of the game. One team is the winner and one is the loser anyway because one of the teams has quite often blown the game (as in Richmond this year) and someone has saved their skin (North Melbourne this year).

The draw is a fantastic part of our game. I take you back to the first ANZAC DAY clash. Both sides, Essendon and Collingwood were fantastic that day. The result was a draw and we are all still talking about it.

How about my favorite. The “One more Kerna” day at the MCG where Carlton Bult, Steve Kernahan kicked for goal from Kernahan’s pocket after the siren when scores were level . He kicked out of bounds on the full! Carlton lost the draw that day, Essendon won the draw.

I’ve heard people say that it was terrible to see players so deflated after the Richmond/North game. They reckon Brent Harvey looked devastated and depressed…well stiff bikkies, I reckon. Scenes like these are part of our great game. They didn’t know whether to sing the song or not…get over it and sing the song next time you win. (In Richmond’s case, they’ve probably forgotten the words anyway).

How about caretaker Richmond Coach, Jade Rawlings  who says he would rather have lost than finished on a draw. What kind of a fool statement is that?

Receiving 2 match points for the draw has often put a new slant on the shaping of the final 8.

*I’ve heard arguments for extended time of 5 minutes for each team.

*I’ve heard of a goal kicking shootout (you might as well toss a coin or do the paper, scissors, rock thing)

*How about the bloke who suggested that the team who kicks the first goal of the match should be retrospectively awarded the win in a drawn game.

*Or the next goal wins if scores are level at siren time – I hope we’re kicking with the wind with that one…

*One idiot even phoned the radio station to suggest a replayed match after the Grand Final – the funds to go to charity…Well I’m sorry, but when I begin my AFL career, I will be on the end of season trip for that one…

Mike Sheahan’s article in Tuesday 21 July Herald Sun just about made me sick. Sheahan always goes against the grain of our game as he is just another reporter desperate to fill his press column with a controversial headline.

That idiot Craig Hutchison was at it again on Talking Footy, Monday night. “Why is ours the only sport who doesn’t deal with a drawn contest?” he bleated. Well I’ve just got one word to say to Hutchy “Soccer”. Does this bloke forget that soccer deals up a draw in most of its encounters. Soccer World Cup has a penalty shootout which rewards the team with the best full forward.

How about cricket? You can play 5 days for a draw and I’ve seen some fantastic, tense and exciting drawn contests which go down to the last ball of the 5th day.

Our game goes for about 100 minutes, if you can’t separate the combatants in that time, well so be it. Enjoy the novelty of the draw. Some of the best games in history have been draws and these are games we are still often talking about.

Fair dinkum, I’m on my soap box about this one but I’m sick of people always trying to change what is perfect.

I’ve had enough – LEAVE OUR GAME ALONE.

CONGRATULATIONS AND THANK YOU

DGES FOOTYTALK – our premier website.

Bizarre really.

I was a bit puzzled to log on to DGES FOOTYTALK today, only to find that we had 48 hits to the site today alone. What could it be?..thought I. After all, I haven’t entered a ‘Bad Footy Card’ for a few days or any other intelligent post of such note for that matter.

I delved a little further and found that we had no less than 78 hits from people who had googled “Voldemort” in their search engine thing in the past 2 days and they hence ended up at DGES FOOTYTALK. (You may recall that DGES FOOTYTALK carried the scoop that Carlton star, Chris Judd was playing the part of Voldemort in the Harry Potter movies).

Coincidence?…you may ask… but it just so happens that the latest Harry Potter movie, “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” hit the screens this week and the world has been googling for more info on the hit Harry Potter movies. As luck would have it for those googlees, they have all now experienced the joys of the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP via DGES FOOTYTALK.

As they will all now know, The world is a far better place for experiencing the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP. (far more entertaining than Harry Potter)

P.S Congratulations and thank you to our loyal fans. Our website hit count has registered 7136 views in just over 12 months. Considering we are only active for 6 months of the year, our very own DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP website is polling extremely well.

DGES FOOTYTALK: Our premier website.

TIPSMASTER’s NOTE: For the benefit of our Poor ol’ Footscray supporters, this is the AFL Premiership Cup…

Da da-da da-da da-da

Da da-da da-da da-da

Da da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da

Da-da da

We wear the Dog Spew

We wear the old, stale Dog Spew

We’re the team that always lets you down

We’re the only team from Canine town

No one knows we’re Carlton

Because’ we’ve sold out

Our Colours

And they will know that they’ve been playing

Against the famous ol’ Dog Spew.

DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster, Carlton 
supporter and one of our Italian correspondents, Nadia 
Suric of team 'BYRD'has given us her valued 
opinions of the Carlton Footy Club aftertheir 
miraculous loss to Essendon last Friday Night:

Da Da_Da Da_Da Da_Da
Buona sera Maestro Colino,

Not a happy gal happy caro Maestro,
not happy at all. GGGRRR!!!!

What the hell were my Blue Boys thinking?
I cannot believe that we were literally
thrashed on Friday night.... Now Listen here!

Stop laughing you just got lucky alright!!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! Damn them!!!

I've ran out of cardboard boxes to kick,
maybe I should start head butting the
neighbour's cat!

Picture this, the whole Suric clan with
one notable exception (Uncle Ev) geared up
in front of the telly with pizza,

(Ah yes, the famous L'Osteria Pizzeria in down town
Rathdowne Street Carlton) copious amount of
lager and the Carlton scarfs draped around
our throats. hmmmmmm or should I draped the

scarf around Fev's throat in the shape of a noose?

Bloody hell what a shit performance,
(Don't you even think of commenting Maestro
if you know what's good for you)

Juddy he's not any better he was bloody
useless as well,it was so excruciating to
watch the game, by third quarter I gave up!
You know what really shits me? we lost with

St Kilda the week before by 9 points 9 points!!!
and now this?!!

Vai Fanculo!!!

Bloody Uncle Ev, for some ungodly reason
she tipped Carlton and vowed to never ever
tip Carlton again and be warned Caro Maestro,
Uncle Ev will break the Cardinal Rule

of N.P.R. Yup she sure will,
I'm gunna let the whole world

know she's breaking the law including the Fed's.

Yeah Yeah, chuck her in the slammer!

I still have my faith, well we're playing
Freo but after last week's performance

God only knows?...................Sigh...................

Carlton champ Chris Judd has been working extra jobs outside of his football career. DGES FOOTYTALK has discovered that Judd is also staring in movies to help pay the bills. So far, Judd has picked up the plumb roles as Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter movies and also the evil Dr Hannibal Lecter.

You never know, we may see Judd feature at this year’s Brownlow and at the Oscars…

Watch this space.

BAD FOOTY CARDS – episode 5

Geoff Southby

I don’t care how hard he tries, or how long he waits…Green jeans will never be in fashion.

Blue and Green should never be seen…

DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster, SMITTY’s collection of BAD FOOTY CARDS.

SMITTY: My funniest footy cards…I’ll explain why.

1. Ron Alexander – never seen a player take the photo more seriously.  Looks like he got out his comb and some brylcream and trimmed the mo, then put on his most serious face.  Also he looks about 45 years old.

Tipsmaster’s note: Smitty – there’s nothing wrong with being 45 years old. I’m only a few years shy of 45 and you were in the same year as me at school…and Pear and Symo are there already…

2. Brian Walsh – as a kid I always hated this card even though he was an Essendon player, and he was one of those cards that you seemed to keep getting in every second pack you opened.  As a lid I thought he looked like a fat toad….nothing’s changed, he still looks like a fat toad.

Tipsmaster’s note: I too always hated this BAD FOOTY CARD – Just another famous ‘Walsh’ in the Essendon stable.

3. Wayne Primer – I think they got him out of bed and just told him “your hair looks fine, don’t worry about washing it just run a quick comb through it”.  I think Wayne had 365 bad hair days for a few years running.

Tipsmaster’s note: Primmer Donner? Click go the shears on that mop.

8.Phil Baker, Brent Crosswell, Frank Gumbleton & Malcolm Blight.  Nothing particularly funny bout these photos, but notice the signatures.  As a kid playing for Avondale Heights, we went and watched the Kangas train one cold winter night and I took my North Melb. footy cards in the hope of getting the signed.  I’ve included these cards to show Blighty for the tosser he was.  He refused to sign the card over his picture because “then you won’t see my face, son” and signed it on the reverse.  What a great ego. Did I ever tell the story about Kenny Fletcher and the dud cheque?……….

Tipsmaster’s note: Frank Gumbleton always looked about 45 and Snake Baker is a dead ringer for Marty Feldman! P.S. The Ken Fletcher dud cheque is a great story, Smitty…

. David Cloke, Gary Cowton, Peter Welsh & Goeff Raines -  a good sample of gay men hiding in the 1970’s.  I’ve actually got about 3 years running of Gary Cowton looking like this and I have a theory that he talked Peter Welsh into going to the hairdressers with him one day and getting the same perm.  Peter Welsh then tried to grow that beard to look a little more manly whilst Gary stuck with his mo as it worked a treat at the Blue Oyster Bar.

Tipsmaster’s note: They are brilliant BAD FOOTY CARDS, Smitty – P.S. Barnsey had a perm once – I’m still trying to get a hold of the photo…watch this space…

6. Ian Miller & Barry Padley – are these the scariest footballers you’ve ever seen, they both look like they’re just about to knock the shit out of the photographer. I think Barry was just asking the photographer “what the fuck are you looking at” as he was snapped.

Tipsmaster’s note: Avondale boys for sure, these 2

5. Kelvin Templeton – A true Bult lookalike, nothing more needs to be said.

Tipsmaster’s note: You know what they say, 1 in 3 of the world’s population is a Bult!