AFL GRAND FINAL EDITION FROM OUR ITALIAN CORRESPONDENTS

AFL GRAND FINAL EDITION SATURDAY THE 1st OF OCTOBER 2016 BREAKING NEWS FROM THE VATICAN. LUKE “ST LUKE” BEVERIDGE HAS BEEN ORDAINED A POPE!

footscray

Faithful Punters within the World Famous DGES Footy Competition have predicted this miraculous outcome from the inception of AFL season 2016; we all have had our eyes on this mysterious if not curious man for quite some time.

Throughout his sporting public life Luke “St Luke” Beveridge has been noted for his humility, commitment to his club, members and the wider community.

Luke is also credited with having a humble, less formal approach to the sporting media, for choosing to be …Himself!

Respect, appreciation, dignity and the admiration and awe that were constantly given to him by his players’ including the Bulldogs administration have been truly inspirational.

Luke is known for favouring simpler vestments than his AFL sporting senior coaching colleagues by still skateboarding his way into work every single day, just like he used to do in his grassroots days.

Luke maintains that the Bulldogs as a club are always open and welcoming for all, including their loyal members.

Luke Beveridge strongly opposes consumerism in sport, if it does not aid the community and their devoted members in benefiting the opportunity to learn and grow and have a fair go without being judgmental, then that is really not a civil way to do things.

After what seemed to be an eternal 62 years in premiership drought, waiting for that Holy Grail – The AFL Premiership Cup at the MCG this afternoon, finally after more than half a century, all the Cardinals’ in Rome witnessed the white smoke emitting from the chimney flute at the Vatican, voting unanimously that Luke “St Luke” Beveridge has now been ordained as the brand new pope.

 

History was definitely made this afternoon at the MCG!

 

Alleluia!

 

https://youtu.be/fvxVOg1XHFE

 

 

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Vital Stats

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by | September 22, 2016 · 9:26 am

The Headmaster’s ritual – the final AFL roll call. Giro numeroVentitre…round 23

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have called up the great Rowan Atkinson to assess the Headmaster’s Ritual and the final AFL Roll Call for season 2016

bean

What a season it was, dramas, retirements and wait for it, the biggest bombshell to top this season as one to remember. An instant culling from a very much celebrated player, none other than Brent “Boomer” Harvey along with three other veterans, Drew “Petty” Petrie, Michael “Spud” Firrito and Nick “Dal” Dal Santo.

Brad “The Butcher” Scott addressed a media conference at Arden Street shortly after the announcement telling the reporters: “The decision had been made with the club’s long-term future in mind. Adding: “It was a heartbreaking decision and one that wasn’t taken lightly…It’s easily the hardest day of my coaching career.”

Not according to the Kangaroos’ diehards, it was callous, cruel ruthless, savage and totally unforgivable.

Given that this is our last report for the year, we decided to round up all the current AFL senior coaches along with their players inside the assembly hall of the AFL headquarters at Docklands to assess and evaluate their distasteful performances through out this season.

 

Right. Quiet everyone. No back chatting please.

Let us begin.

 

Hello, nice to see you all again.

 

Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is AFL Hell, let’s try and keep things informal here as well as infernal.

Before you ask any questions, I’m afraid we have no toilets, so if you didn’t go before you came in then I’m afraid you are not gong to enjoy yourselves very much…but then, we believe that’s the idea.

Can you hear us at the back?…

Right come on, settle down please. Answer your names as I call them.

All right, off we go…

 

Adelaide

 

Anus, Arsebandit, Bottom. Thank you. Can you all walk towards this side of the hall?

Well done boys, Season 2016 is looking very promising for you lads. Excellent!

 

West Coast Eagles

 

Dodo, Enema. Where are you? Hands up please! The back end from the beginning of this season has certainly reversed your ability on the forward line. Fraudulently Impressive!

Geelong

 

Fist up! Grow up please! Any more of your childish behaviour, you will not be qualifying in this year’s finals!

 

Melbourne

 

Genital. I’m sorry Genital? Hands up please. Ah! There you are. Thank you. So much to offer yet so very little to deliver. Your achievements this year has been nothing more but a tease.

 

Essendon

 

Ontop. Stand up please. What is it to say about your lot this year? You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest. Not good enough!

 

Carlton

 

Jaculation. Hands up please! Thank you. Your climatic emission mid season was too hasty; your keen and sudden sprout of talent has shriveled up turning into annoying little weeds.

 

Shitney

 

Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick!

Remind me to beat Myprick when he get’s here!

 

Richmond

 

Imadick? Imadick! Enema have you seen Imadick? Useless idiot!

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Nicenquick. Yes well your dazzling captaincy was incredibly short lived, as we has all expected. Your future in this competition is controversial to say the least!

 

Port Adelaide

 

Where’s Pube?…Anyone seen him?…

Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you would find a seat. Bottom; squeeze Myprick in somewhere there with you.

 

North Melbourne

 

Upyours. Sit down please! Your conduct has left this whole establishment agitated in the last few days. You are now on performance review! Don’t argue with us, our votes within this organization have been unanimous. Now Silence!

 

GWS (Geez!…Which State?)

 

Tightfit! We have had just about enough of your louts squashing yourselves in clearly where you don’t belong! You are all quite a nasty piece of work.

Not the sort of people we want to have dinner with. Absolutely disgusting!

 

St Kilda

 

Hardon? There you are. Yes well if you can just stand over in that darkened corner. Your hard performance to date has been droopy, floppy and limp. Unacceptable.

 

Brisbane

 

Yourprick? Nice of you to show up, seeing that have you have been in hiding for most of this year. We need to discuss your relevance within your group; your ejection is in question.

 

 

 

 

Hawthorn

 

Herpes. Still with us I see! Enough of that language, its bad luck you have now become a social disease.

 

Collingmaguirewood

 

Looters and pillagers – Nathan and CollingmaguireEddie, if you can just stand over there please in the fiery corner. There is no longer any room for all your constant deceptions and foul play.

Just over here Nathan thanks, that includes you Eddie! Yes! The mobile phone and your wallet as well, you no longer have any use for it.

 

Fremantle

 

Rigid are you here? Ah there you are. Without a doubt, your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.

 

Western Bulldogs

 

Zipper?…Where’s Zipper? Absent we believe. Typical.

He’s trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord Almighty or Bazza as we all know him.

 

Now then boys, we have called you all in as there has been too much smut this season.

 

Rigid, Fistup, Bottom out!

 

There has been some disgusting graffiti inside the change rooms in all the football stadiums.

 

Sit up straight Ontop! If you fall asleep we shall be very annoyed.

 

Tightfit, for heaven’s sake, leave Yourprick alone!

We don’t care. Yourprick had no business in poking into your desk in the first place.

We will not put with this behaviour boys.

 

The AFL is a club for the sons of gentlemen, and theory is that someday you will all turn into a gentlemen yourselves, that is the exception of genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret.

So there will be an end to this second form of toilet humour!

 

Dodo, Nicenquick, detention Saturday!

 

Right, we’re going back to our meeting room, but if we come back and catch Herpes loitering in the corridor, there will be trouble!

 

Class dismissed!

 

 

 

https://youtu.be/R7OxTxAvvLw

 

 

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Rio Olympic Games – AFL version 2016

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have had enough of the Olympics and have given us an AFL OLYMPICS VERSION…

Tipsmaster’s note: The DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP are not official sponsors of the Olympic Games.

olympics

Understandably, some of the obscure Olympic sports are easily the weirdest.

While swimming, gymnastics and track field remain some of the most popular Olympic sports; spectators are familiar with events like diving, fencing, soccer, table tennis, synchronized swimming and beach volleyball.

Yet there remains an abundance of Olympic sports almost too weird to be true for their own 15 minutes of fame.

Since the first modern games in 1896, quite a few sports have disappeared completely from the Olympic schedule. These are croquet, cricket, Jeu de Paume – which means game of the palm was played once as an official sport at the Olympic level in 1908.

Pelota or basque pelota in Spanish is known as the fastest sport in the world.

It is a sport played with a ball using one hand, a racket, a wooden bat or basket against a wall. The tournament was contested only once at the Olympic games in Paris in 1900.

Other offbeat sports were polo, roque, rackets, tug-of-war, lacrosse a contact team sport played between two teams using a small rubber ball, played twice in 1904 and 1908 and was also used as a demonstration sport at the Olympics in 1928, 1932 and 1948.

Not forgetting baseball, softball and motor racing.

Two sports that were previously listed as discontinued have made a surprising comeback; golf and rugby were voted back in as official sports for the Rio Olympics 2016.

If it were not a career in coaching an AFL team, which sporting tournament these senior coaches’ along with their players’ would have competed in this year’s Olympic games?

 

West Coast Eagles – A man with strength – Adam “Go West!” Simpson – Tug Of War.

 

Hawthorn  – Without a doubt Alistair “Nut Job!” Clarkson – Live Pigeon shooting, better than shooting down his very own exhausted Hawks!

North Melbourne – Club Swinging – Whirling pin-shaped bowling clubs quickly around to knock off anyone in the top eight on the AFL ladder is a perfect remedy for Brad “Beam Me Down Scotty” Scott.

 

Shitney – Race Walking – Maintaining contact with the ground and straighten the knee when the foot makes contact with the ground, keeping it straightened until the knees passes the body. Perhaps John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire and his Swans can bloody well keep still!

 

Richmond – Pistol Dueling – Instead of competitors firing pistols at each other, Damien “Hardly” Hardwick can shoot at mannequins with targets painted on its chest or would it be his toothless Tigers instead?

 

St Kilda – Sports With No Clothes – Alan “You Can Call Me Al!” Richardson has threatened his sordid Saints if they continue to play the remaining season with their kit off!

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?…) – Plunge For Distance – Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron dives making it all the way to the other side of the swimming pool.

AFL finals contenders seriously?

Unbloodybelievable isn’t it?

 

Fremantle – Oil Wrestling – If Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon can’t scuffle his shocker of his Dockers to win any games, then oils ain’t oils right?

 

Collingmaguirewood – Pooh Sticks – Hurling gargantuan turds to CollingmaguireEddie, along with Nathan “I Think I’m In Trouble” Buckley including his Shitwoods pretty much sums up their season so far.

 

Gold Coast Bums – Bed Racing – Rodney “Rocket” Eade has made no bones about his Bums racing to bed during their week long stay in Melbourne, rather than train and prep up for the up and coming game and most importantly acclimatizing to our freezing conditions.

 

Port Adelaide – World Gurning Contest – A competition where the ugliest face wins!

Pulling the ugliest face, we all know Ken “Kinky” Hinkley and his powerless Ports don’t even have to try.

 

Adelaide – Chess Boxing – Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke has already taught his Crows to box in two minutes and then play chess for another four minutes at the same time, their blistering performance have left us all gob smacked!

 

Carlton – Climbing The Greasy Pole in Lygon Street Carlton – Brendon “Thor!” Bolton will need to ascend to his agility and passion. Pretend that sopressa salami is actually the Holy Grail – The AFL Grand Final Cup!

 

Melbourne – Rope Climbing – Paul “No More Top 8” Roos can shimmy up a 14-meter long rope and is judged based on time and style. Too late for the top eight Paul, the season is almost over!

 

Brisbane Lions – Zorbing – Justin “Leppa” Leppitsch can roll downhill inside an orb, which is made of transparent plastic, permitting control, if a football is out of reach, then a giant plastic orb it is. Better than nothing!

 

Geelong – Finger Jousting – Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott made sure he has trained his Cats that they poke any opponent in the eye during the game.

 

Essendon – Jaffa Race – John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold and is Bombers can race their Jaffa’s down the aisle at the MCG, much easier than catching that elusive football.

 

Western Bulldogs Extreme Ironing – Luke “St Luke” Beveridge can take his ironing board along with his unplugged iron and iron all his tunics in sacred locations on a jet ski.

His second attempt walking on water.

Miracles do happen folks, the Doggies’ are in the top eight.

 

As for this poor sod, we will never look at competition pole-vaulting the same way again.

Do not try this at home!

 

https://youtu.be/DP1DzFPbvKo

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DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP PROMOTIONAL TOUR

Greetings tipsters. Yep I’m back.

Since none of you accepted my generous invitation to accompany us on our World Famous Promotional Tour spreading the good word of the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP, we had to travel alone.

(Perhaps I forgot to send out the invitation or maybe it is still in the mail)

But I digress…

As official Ambassador for the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING comp I felt it was necessary to spread the awareness around the world about our World Famous Footy Tipping Comp.

This tour will benefit all of you as I endeavour to take the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP out of the comfort zone and promote our World Famous Competition in all corners of the globe. I didn’t want to do it but I felt I owed it to you all…

You can save your thanks for later, you know I don’t like you all grovelling over me…

You may call it a junket, but you will see from the pictures how hard I have worked to make the world aware of our DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP on your behalf.

big ben

My first meeting was with the gang at Westminster Parliament to spread the word about the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP.

BIG BEN gonged to inform me that 1 o’clock was well and truly BEER o’clock so that was enough ambassadoring for one day.

 

mayfair

Take a walk on the Boardwalk, advance token to Mayfair…

 

Edinburgh

The Scots were a tough nut to crack since they have never even heard of Aussie Rules, let alone the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP. Negotiations became easier when I convinced them that my wife is related to William Wallace and Robert the Bruce is already a tipster in our comp.

 

Beatles

It was great to jam with these fellas. I taught them a couple of tunes but kindly declined their offer to join their band. A nice bunch of blokes really, I think they are going to join the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP and perhaps write a jingle for us.

 

Cavern

That was a hard days night…

 

stonehenge

Forget about any tipstering action from this neck of the woods. The Druids are insane and it will be like getting blood out of a stone just getting their DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP entry fee from them.

 

eiffel

No chance to sign up p0tential DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipsters that day. See that nasty black cloud just to the left of that funny antenna thing? I didn’t want to get my hair wet. Time for a cold refreshment at the local.

 

louvre

A visit to the Louvre Museum to show them a bit of DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP culture. They’re a funny mob the frogs, with a strange sense of humour…

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Too Close to Call…

election

What happens when a weekend of footy with the Liberal and Labor parties who have been fighting against one another for seventy years, and the two greatest football rivals Carlton and Collingmaguirewood who have been slogging it out for a great deal longer?

One hell of a challenge with the political and sporting rivals battling it out for survival not only of the fittest, but also for integrity, position, prestige and respect.

Still this weekend marks the first time these two teams are battling it out on the same day as the Federal election.

The battle lines are clear; Carlton has no formal attachments to the Liberal party, but the ties run deep. Carlton is the club of former Prime Ministers Sir Robert “Sir Bob” Menzies and Malcolm “Diamond Jim” Fraser.

Did you know in the 1930’s before Menzies began his career in politics, Menzies was the Blues legal adviser, and he followed Carlton closely during his two stints as Prime Minister? Robert Menzies was such a loyal fan of the Blues, he followed Carlton during his Prime Minister ship and as his health began to deteriorate, he watched the games at Princes Park from the front seat of his Bentley, parked on a purpose-built elevated ramp near the Robert Heatley stand.

Malcolm Fraser was also a regular at Carlton’s games in the 1970’s and after the 1981 and 1982 premiership wins; the Blues were invited to The Lodge to celebrate the win.

Two Labor Prime Ministers Gough “The White Knight” Whitlam and Paul “Scum Bag” Keating were Collingmaguirewood supporters.

The link with the ALP even to this day, Bill “Kill Bill” Shorten is a fan of the Pies and even juggled his campaign schedule a few weeks back so he could be in Brisbane on the same night the Pies were playing at the Gabba.

Not sure which team Malcolm “The Smiling Assassin” Turnbull barracks for, but delegating with the AFL CEO Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan a couple of months ago with Port Adelaide playing one of their home and away matches in China in 2017.

Malcolm Turnbull agreed that, the AFL is one of the most exciting football codes.

Without a doubt, the smiling assassin is a fan.

As us gals are writing this, the Federal election is now over, there is still no result and most likely we will end up with a hung parliament. Gah!

Visiting our local primary school – Brunswick South on Saturday the 2nd of July 2016, viewing with absolute confusion the white ballot voting form, the length of the Independent candidates was as long as the Punt Road end of the MCG facing the other end of the City end.

As for us gals, the white ballot paper began from the main school hall ending up in the sausage sizzle stand.

Guess where us gals ended up?

The Independents have done surprisingly well; we feel these AFL teams should at least try in securing a seat in Parliament as an Independent candidate.

Notable suggestions for the next up and coming double dissolution elections, trust us, it’s likely to happen sooner than you think, how about naming your Independent party with a catchy name, should get your foot inside the mahogany doors of Parliament.

If Derryn Hinch could, then anyone else can, right?

Adelaide

 

Free Booze Party

 

Brisbane Lions

 

Teddy Bear Alliance Party

 

Carlton

 

The Cosa Nostra Party

 

Coliingmaguirewood

 

I’ll Give You A Free Tattoo Party

 

Essendon

 

I’m Fed Up Party

 

Fremantle

 

Donald Duck Party

 

Geelong

 

Prehistoric Zucchini Party

 

Gold Coast

 

Stone Dead Party

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?…)

 

Guns And Dope Party

 

Hawthorn

 

Death Dungeons And Taxes Party

 

Melbourne

 

String ‘Em Up Party

 

North Melbourne

 

Sewage Party

 

Port Adelaide

 

The Disgraceful Party

 

Richmond

 

The Chameleon’s Party

 

St Kilda

 

THIS IS The Sex Party

 

Shitney

 

Anal Compulsive Party

 

 

West Coast

 

Surprise Party

 

Western Bulldogs

 

God’s Lightening Party

 

Still no government in the making, no wonder with the list of Independent candidates in the selection process this weekend, any ticking of the boxes will just have to do.

 

Here is some sound advice from our friends here as to what we should have done on a Saturday afternoon.

 

 

https://youtu.be/six85ogrTZc

 

 

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Another one bites the dust

bucks

We all know the famous saying, “Love me or hate me, but at the end of the day you will respect me.”

No doubt, Collingmaguirewood coach Nathan “I Think I’m In Trouble…Again!” Buckley is probably expressing a similar sentiment to his black and white troops, only without the “love” bit. Buck’s is facing mounting pressure in season 2016 as Collingmaguirewood faces the prospect of missing out the finals for a third straight year, a result that would surely spell and end of his time as the senior coach.

The Pies currently sit 12th on the almighty AFL ladder after 21 rounds with just eight wins and fourteen losses, their poor run has led many to question whether the embattled coach has lost support inside the club’s dressing room, Pies supporters and whether Buckley has any hope of turning the club’s fortunes around.

Fact of the matter in the AFL, there is 40 players’ on the list and at any time there are 22 players’ that like the coach because they are winning games. In Buck’s case there are probably 5 players’ who couldn’t give a stuff and there is probably 10 or 15 players’ sitting there going: “I hate this bloke!”

Travis “Where For Art Thou” Cloke being dumped for the third time this season for his poor performance, has been sent back to the lower level of VFL after kicking two goals in his past three matches.

It’s pretty obvious these players’ are not respecting the environment Buckley is trying to create. Bucks want these men to be like him, fastidious in their preparation, single-minded in their goals, hard, strong and tough.

Some of them just aren’t.

 

Truth of the matter is Bucks can’t coach this group at Collingmaguirewood any longer.

It really doesn’t matter who your coach is, what really does matter is respect, something Buckley thinks he still commands.

 

Western Bulldogs

 

“I mean there’s no arguing, there is no anything. There is no beating around the bush.

You’re fired is a very strong term isn’t it Luke?” Confessed Bucks to Luke “St Luke” Beveridge in his make shift confessional “St Luke” had set up inside the change rooms at Etihad stadium.

Carlton

 

Brendon and Justin were both sitting inside the GABBA room, enjoying a tall glass of lemon lime and bitters. Brendon “Thor” Bolton gave a sterile account to Justin regarding his current misfortune: “Look at it this way Leppa, it can be liberating to get fired because you then realize the sporting world doesn’t end. There are better ways in making money, better jobs”. Shell-shocked by Bolton’s announcement, without a sound Justin “Leppa” Leppitsch just picked himself up and quietly walked away.

 

Hawthorn

 

Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson was on one of his famous ego trips. Mocking Brad “Beam Me Back Scotty” Scott with the following: “Oi! Bradley! The footy unions often say last fired, first hired. Not me! I say fire and hire based on merit. We only want the best, seeing that we are numero uno now, your Skippy’s were there for nine rounds and couldn’t handle the bloody pressure. Experience that’s what counts mate!”

 

West Coast Eagles

 

Examining the turf at Grubby stadium, creeping up from behind, Adam “Go West! Simpson belittled Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron with this statement: “Most AFL senior coaches’ work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid stacks of money like moi not to quit.

What about you Leo?”

 

Shitney

 

Still on his ego trip, Mr. Holier-than-thou John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire threatened poor Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson just before kick off: “ Hey Al! Getting fired is what happens to a coach sooner or later.”

 

Port Adelaide

 

Paul “Finals Contention?” Roos couldn’t resist with this masterpiece to Ken “Kinky” Hinkley: “Kenneth, every time you walked down the streets, the people of Port Adelaide and David “Kochie” Koch are screaming “You’re Fired!”

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Rodney “Rocket” Eade made sure that John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold got wind of this insult, culminating with this dumping: “If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. Just wait and see Johnno!”

 

Geelong

 

Chris “Beam Me Back Scotty” Scott made no bones to Damien “Hardly” Hardwick about the ugly truth about this sporting life: “There is a saying in this business, that there are two kinds of coaches, those who have been fired and those who haven’t been fired yet.

Next victim?”

 

Adelaide

 

Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke clearly irritated by Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon dried up excuses for the shocker of his Dockers abysmal performance this season lectured: “In my experience, people usually get fired for reasons having to do with budgetary constraints, incompetence or not fulfilling the terms of a contract. Now go away! I need to look after my Crows.”

 

 

Which coach will have this song sung to them by the AFL administrators and their club officials by the end of this season?

 

 

https://youtu.be/rY0WxgSXdEE

 

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