Monthly Archives: March 2009

This week’s winner of the “Ridiculous comments from Poor ol’ Footscray Supporters” award.

This week’s winner of the “Ridiculous comments from Poor ol’ Footscray Supporters” award goes to DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster, “THE BIG V” for this blunderous blurb:

Poor Ol’s will be top 3 this year and Ryan Griffin will take us to back-to-back Brownlows!

Go the Mighty Dogs!

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Filed under footscray, Humour

Cousins? It’s all relative…

cousins1

Ben Cousins’ relatively over-rated return to footy adds to Richmond’s plummeting woes to the bottom of the ladder where they belong.

For all of you veteren tipsters who disobeyed the rules (you know who you are) and for those new tipsters who don’t know the rules N.P.R (Never Pick Richmond)

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Filed under cousins, Richmond

Welcome to the sixteenth annual DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP

Welcome to the sixteenth annual DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP. 

 *The rules are the same.

*The cost is the same, $22bucks for the year.

*The prizes are great – depending on the number of tipsters, 1st prize is usually anything between $500 & $700 (convince your friends to sign up to increase the fun and increase the cash prizes)

*The extra bonus competitions along the way are fantastic.

*Remember to claim your all important bonus point by getting your payment in before the start of round 1.

*You are encouraged to tell your friends about the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP – the more tipsters we get, the greater the prizes.

*You are also encouraged to participate in our very own website by sending in your own stories, gags and footy banter – or by adding your comments via the forum’s comments section.

*Looking forward to a great season of footy tipstering!

*Contact your tipsmaster coling100@hotmail.com to sign up.

Note: The DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP is a non profit competition. All funds are returned to the winning tipsters as prizes and awards.

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“Ridiculous Comments from Poor ol’ Footscray Supporters”

 

We have a new segment in the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP.

It’s called “Ridiculous comments from Poor ol’ Footscray Supporters”

This week’s entry comes from Rosco, one of our counter customers here at DGES.

Rosco has a ritual each time he comes to our counter. He gives me his weekly rundown on how great the young Doggies are, he gives me player by player stats and figures and spruiks about how great the Doggies will fare this year…doggie, doggie, doggie – woof, woof, woof is his idiotic catch cry. Rosco then gives me the rundown on how bad Essendon are and gives me player by player stats and tells me why Essendon will finish in the bottom 3 this year.

Fair dinkum this has been going on twice a week for 25 years…even in the off season. And to make it more laughable…he’s serious!

Show us your medals Rosco.

Rosco wins the “Ridiculous Comments from Poor ol’ Footscray Supporters” award this week for this bollocks comment.

“Essendon will never win any games with Lucas and Lloyd in the same team”

 

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Filed under footscray, Humour

The Encyclopedia of Collingwood Jokes‏

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?Centrelink was on the other side

 

What’s the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?An arsonist wouldn’t waste 25 matches.

 

How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter? Buy them a membership for Christmas!

 

What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?I’ll have fries with that thanks

 

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?The Policeman

 

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?Nanna

 


 

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do? Shoot the Collingwood fan – Twice

 

You know you’re a Collingwood
supporter when:


 

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of ‘most admired people.’

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: ‘Hey, watch this.’

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife’s hairdo.

9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: ‘Carn the Maggies .’

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its
wheels.

11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

15. You think ‘loaded dishwasher’ means your wife is drunk.

16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during sex? 

The bus shelter

If you’re driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike why shouldn’t you run him over?It could be your bike.

 

They found one of Josef Fritzl’s daughter’s diary from the infamous Austrian “lock-up” case just last weekend. It read:

Monday – locked up at home, raped by Dad

Tuesday – locked up at home, raped by Dad

Wednesday – locked up at home, raped by Dad

Thursday – locked up at home, raped by Dad

Friday – locked up at home, raped by Dad

Saturday – went to go watch Collingwood play. Wished I stayed at home.


 


 

Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the of the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with pick up a stick and started to bash the dog with. Well in the end he belted the
dog so hard he actually killed.

A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview.
She said to the boy ” that was great you just saved your best mates life,
this could make a great story.”

So the lady started think of headline….

“Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack”. No said
the boy I am not a Carlton supporter.

“Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack”. No said
the boy I am not an Essendon supporter either. So the lady asked who he barracked for and he said Collingwood.

The next days headlines where ” Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog”

 Why do Collingwood fans stink? 

So blind people can hate them, too.

Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their
relationships. 

The first says, “My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life
is like one premiership after another.” 

The second says, “My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the
back-to-back victories of 1997 and ’98.” 

They then look at their friend, who hasn’t yet said a thing. 

“What’s wrong,” they say as their friend starts sobbing. “Well,” she says
hesitantly, “my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end
of the bed and tell me how wonderful it’s going to be

 

What’s got 100 legs and 4 teeth?


 

 The
front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.
 

What is your wife trying to tell you if she’s wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed? 

You ain’t going to score.

 

 

A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. 

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly
up at her new hubby and whispers, “Please be gentle with me. I’m a virgin.” 

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father,
who comforts him by saying, “Now, now. It’ll be okay, son. If she wasn’t good
enough for her own family, then she isn’t good enough for ours.”

A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare
after realising she was the only one of her friends – (who were all Collingwood
supporters) – who was not on benefits. 

“How many children do you have?” the man at Centrelink asked. 

“Ten,” she replied. 

“What are their names?” 

“Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and
Jaidyn,” she replied. 

“They’re all named Jaidyn?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?” 

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘Jaidyn,’ and they all come running
in.” 

“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?” 

“I just say, ‘Jaidyn, come eat your dinner’,” she answered. 

“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked. 

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name.”


 

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb? 

Seven – one to change it, five to moan about it and make 

excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done 

his job in the first place the light bulb would never have 

gone out

A truck driver is driving down the highway when he sees a priest
hitch-hiking. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about
giving him a ride as usually when the driver sees a Collingwood supporter on
the road he runs them over. But with a priest in the truck, he wouldn’t be able
to carry out his favorite pastime. 

But being a good bloke, the truck driver decides to pick up the priest and
forgo his fun for this one trip. 

Just after the priest jumps into the cab they come across a Collingwood
supporter hitchhiking. 

The diver decides to swerve to avoid the Collingwood supporter but hears a huge
“BOOM!” 

The driver looks over at the priest, who says, “Don’t worry – I got him with
the door

What’s the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre? A cactus has pricks on the outside

 

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. 

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?” 

The man replies, “150”, and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. 

The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.”, and decides
to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for
another drink. 

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What’s
your IQ?” 

“About a 100,” the man responds. 

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the
Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like. 

Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again. 

“What’s your IQ?” the robot asks. 

“Er, 50, I think.” 

And the robot responds, very, very slowly, “So, I expect you’ll be following
Collingwood again this year?”

What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player? Nothing.
You could drag him to the top, but he’ll choke anyway.

 

Why did Cinderella run away from the ball? Because
she played for Collingwood.

 

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the
children

What their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. 

However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father ….

Billy responded: “My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes

off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is 

really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let

them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and

took little Billy aside to ask him if what he’d said was really true.

“No” said Billy ,”He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football 

Club but I was just too embarrassed to say …..”

Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an
opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite,
prompting Joffa’s son to ask him ‘dad, what’s a transvestite?’, to which Joffa
replied, ‘Go ask your mum, he’ll know’.

What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in
the same direction?

Jailbreak!

What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood
supporter?
Pizza can
feed a family of four.

 

A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up
to their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough
water.

 

How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood
supporter?
Your bins
are empty and your dogs pregnant.

 

What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?Gifted.

 

A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. 

The man says: “Choose one from our range on the wall.” She says 

“I’ll take the red one.” 

The man replies: “That’s a fire extinguisher.”


 

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash,
there’s blood everywhere. 

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat
out on the road. 

Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.” 

Sharon: “Ok.” 

Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?” 

Sharon: “Oh my god I’m paralysed from the waist down!”


 

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. 

She places a garment on the counter. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress.” she says. 

“Come again?” says the worker, cupping his ear. 

“No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”


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Filed under BU BU GIRL, Collingwood, Humour

Wee & Poo, talking Poo.

footy_0091lethal

Peter Ingleton of team ‘INGO’ has sent us a reminder of what happened on the last Saturday in September, 2008.

“Both shots are at the end of the game, first one is the smoke coming out ot the Bomber’s ears! and the other is some nice work done to Lethal’s statue.”

 

Tipsmaster’s note: It seems to me that the Wee & Poo are already starting to talk Poo…

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