Monthly Archives: August 2012

MORE COLLINGWOOD JOKES

cid:AB17B88D32784A97B6D410E985EB18DD@michaelPC

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny. 

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What’s the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music – who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

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Separated at birth – Tipsmaster…is that you?

Former DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipstress Loretta Plant from team KING CAREY has made a notable observation and submitted her latest episode of ‘SEPARATED AT BIRTH’ here at dgesfootytalk.

Loretta seems to think that celebrity singer SEAL somehow resembles your tipsmaster Col Gray.

Personally I don’t know what Loretta is on about…I can’t see the likeness at all…

What do you think?

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Dumb arse footballers and their ridiculous quotes

gizmodo.com.au

 

DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipstress Nadia Suric from team BYRD has compiled a list of ridiculous quotes from the brainiacs of our AFL Football world.

Please enjoy these quotes painstakingly compiled by out Italian Correspondent and DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP legend, BYRD

Following an impressive, momentous, if not striking opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics, without further ado let us review our own footy athletes and their not so memorable comments that leaves some of us mere mortals gob smacked!

As we are leaning towards the finals, let us all reminiscence and look back on some of the most amusing if not ridiculous quotes from these so called Masters of the Universe….Not!

Our very own footballers and their merry men leave nothing to the imagination.

Some of the diatribe that is verbalized by these knuckleheads will make William Shakespeare turn over his grave in an instant with his quill pen in his hand while thrusting an accusing finger of disapproval to these nincompoops.

Are they all really that stupid and simpleminded? Quite frankly….Yes!

Let me amuse and entertain you all with the following:

 

Hawthorn

In the beginning when this past master transferred to the world of sports commentary, unbelievably Dermott (“Bimbo”) Brereton let out with this cracker – “Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”(Dermott Brereton) followed by arithmetically –  “That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical”

Huh?

 

North Melbourne (God! I hate them)

“King Shit” Carey egotistically declares – “Their activity basically boils down to a learning exercise – they do a wide variety of things. We’ve been real fortunate to have them as time got along, we’ve had more and more participants”

Sexual participants Moron?

Q. What’s the difference between Skippy and Wayne Carey?

A: Skippy can root whoever he likes and still be a kangaroo!

Revulsion by compulsion.

 

Port Adelaide

As the football world now knows it, sudden death has reared its ugly head for this club.

One humiliating loss to a club that is nothing but a hoax and a bloody joke, you’re well and truly stuffed!

Former Port President Brett (“Cry Baby”) Duncanson has tearfully quoted in reference to former Port Coach Matthew (“Expired and Retired’) Primus – “He’s a club legend, you don’t shit on your club legends.”

Oh yes we do!

 

West Coast

Drug Baron Ben Cousins Joke:

Q. Have you heard about the Cousins Burger Meal?

A. It comes with free coke.

Unashamedly this clown has publicized – “I am going to launch into and annihilate as many recreational drugs as possible”

Beyond repair and restoration.

 

 

 

Collingmaguirevomitshitwood

Mick (“The Wise One”) Malthouse truthfully professes about his former club – “They seem to be a bit all over the place … they don’t seem to be able to kick long.

Followed by – “They will win games, but I don’t think they’ll win enough games to make the top eight.”

Ending with – “I know the club (is) finding it very difficult.”

Astute, insightful and perceptive quotes indeed.

Elementary my Dear Maestro.

 

Brisbane Lions

My speculation on the brainless Jonathan (“Lost in Translation”) Brown proves worthy of my deduction especially his IQ of 0.00000.

That bonehead ignoramus actually quoted – “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (Jonathan Brown) on night Grand Finals vs. Day Games.

On the Footy Show after the shock loss with the “Gold Coast Bums” on the 12th of May 2011 – incredibly numb skull conceded – “I’m angry, I’ve been eating soup for 7 weeks, mate, so don’t get on me bloody nerves!”

Summing up with this masterpiece of sheer brilliance, again on the Footy Show dated the 26th of June 2011 after going for his 10th surgery for multiple facial fractures in Round 1 against the Dockers, inconceivably Brown stammered with – “I don’t run on me face”

Where would I have been without him?

No doubt this dunderhead has kept me inspired and wired for years.

 

Melbourne

Mark Neeld has been sitting patiently in the gallows biding time.

Stubbornly he will not accept the pitfall that has befallen on the Dees.

The noose is already tied to a tight knot around Neeld’s neck.

All someone has to do is kick that chair from underneath him.

Cease the suffering once and for all…time to move on.

Refusing to surrender, stubbornly he laments – “We’ve had two and a half games we thought were really poor efforts, but in among that there’s been some competitive efforts we’ve been pleased with.

Oh really?

 

Carlton

Recently, Judd worming his way out of a lengthy suspension for the “Chicken Wing” incident 2012 – “I’m not trying to wriggle out of this,” Judd said in evidence at the Tribunal. ”It was certainly an unintended consequence of what I wanted to do. Football is an instinctive game. You have a thought and that thought is followed by an action.”

Yeah Right!

Against his better judgment in 2009 Chris “I am stupid” Judd registered his actions by admitting – I was pushing my thumb into the pressure point behind his ear,” he said.

Ah What the?….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adelaide

Cocky Brenton Sanderson boasts – ‘We haven’t got our head in the clouds, we’re not talking premierships, we’re not talking how we’re going to go in the finals,” he said. ”We’re focusing on our next opponent. The experts can talk about finals if they want, but our focus will be purely on getting the job done against Essendon.”

Oh! The pain!…The pain!…. Sorry Maestro.

 

On that note, a quote that leaves us all stupefied by this meaningless tone is by none other than Andrew “Gaddafi” Demetriou

 

“If history repeats itself, I should think we could expect the same thing again.”

 

God help us!

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Footy teams and their Olympic sister countries – episode 2

DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster Steve Wills from team POSSUM BOY has sent us his own entry to our latest competition ‘FOOTY TEAMS AND THEIR OLYMPIC SISTER COUNTRIES’

Essendon think they are the greatest thing going around and preform like crap when it counts. Great Britan
 
Footscray. Can’t win anything and always reminisce about the time they came third. New Zealand .
 
GWS. Based in the middle of nowhere, a bugger of a place to get to and no one really cares how they go.
Sao Tome and Principe.
Tipsmaster’s note: All I can say is – you’re a very funny man Steve Wills!

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FOOTY TEAMS AND THEIR OLYMPIC SISTER COUNTRIES

DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipstress and our Italian corresponant Nadia Suric from team BYRD has again enlightened us with her highly entertaining footy tips.

BYRD has related our footy teams to their Olympic country counterparts.

Please feel free to send me your own ideas for FOOTY TEAMS AND THEIR OLYMPIC SISTER COUNTRIES

Adelaide

Unquestionably a City of Churches, 749 of them!

Drive to a winery… a Church…Pray!

Pass by another winery… another Church!… Ask for forgiveness!

Stagger on to the next winery Oh God!…Hiccup!… I think I’m gunna spew …Hiccup!…Is that what I think it is?…Yup!…a Church…Repent!

Vatican City is enormously proud in bearing the Olympic flag for this humble lot.

 

North Melbourne

(God! I hate them) without a shadow of doubt the most awful, cold, nasty, rude and unfriendly club in the league. They are anti social, no morals, socially handicapped, and corrupt.

Leaves a chill in the marrow of your bones just like living in the subzero conditions in Siberia Moscow

 

Collingmaguirevomitshitwood

USA (Red Neck Capital – Texas) First class Bogans who cannot conform or adapt to normal and simple human behaviour.

No class, undefined, unrefined, disrespectful, uncouth and ill mannered.

Inaudibly, their speech makes “Eliza Doolittle” seem articulate…read on.

“ Dang! I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”


I rest my case!

Carlton

“Io Sono Carlton” in plain old English, quite simply Maestro “ I Am Carlton”

We are classy, cultured, fashionable, glamorous, ritzy, sophisticated, smart, stylish, and suave.

We have the looks, the charm and the know how in networking with the elite of the elitist. Integrity at it’s best!

The Italians always do it better…Ah!…Bella Italia

Known fact! Saudi Arabia has yet to send any of their female athletes to participate in the Olympics, their systematic discrimination is shameful, an outcry of utter disbelief, beyond comprehension. Is it any wonder that Buddy ”Monomaniac, Sexist Pig” Franklin has now taken flight to Dubai to seek multiple wives, the would be “Sheikh” can govern and rule as he sees fit. Totalitarianism. Buddy’s way or no way.

 

Shitney

The Carnivale Parade along with its colorful floats, adornments, music, glitter show casing their marvelous and daring costumes for the entire world to see. What better way in showing off and broadcasting this spectacular event? The shimmer, the glimmer and the sparkle would do Brazil – Rio De Janiero enormously proud.

 

Fremantle

Fremantle is not only a gateway to the west; it is also renown for it’s long colonial history as well for preserving the architectural beauty of the city. Being one of the famous docklands in Australia, a worthy representation of one of the largest and famous docks in the world is none other than the Port of Rotterdam – The Netherlands.

 

St Kilda

Amsterdam (The Red Light District)

Littered with brothels, sex shops, museums, the Red Light District leaves nothing to the imagination. In all honesty Maestro, this sleazy mob will feel right at home and at ease. At least these boys can roam the darkly lit streets freely, visit the red-fringed parlors or a peep show in a private cabin without the risk of being photographed or fined. Befitting in description.

West Coast

Mining Industry – Australia The rich is getting richer the poor is getting poorer. With the mining boom lately, I can think of none other but insatiable greed, materialism, obscene profits and wealth for the big, fat ugly mining magnates.

Apparently Geological experts have recently discovered that Gina “Jesus! Woman grab yourself a Stylist!” Rinehart caused the recent earthquake in Melbourne by dropping her purse!

On that note, the European countries notably the Greeks are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If Greece wins gold medals, they can use them as cash.

Just thought I stir-fry some ideas in your wok Maestro.

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Filed under Byrd, Footy teams & their olympic sister countries, Humour, TIPS