Monthly Archives: March 2014

The Odd Couple

ROUND 2 predictions from our Italian Correspondents and DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP Tipstresses BYRD & CONTESSA MANSKI.

odd couple

On Sunday the 30th of March 2014 James (Not So Pretty Boy Hirdy) Hird was asked to remove himself from his place of residence, the request came from his wife – Tanya (Mania) Hird. With his gargantuan ego and compulsive nature in everything in life, deep down, Jimbo knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would hope to return to her.
Like a bum on the streets, with nowhere to go, Jimbo appeared unannounced at his holiday home of his life long mentor and friend Kevin (I’m Really Sorry Now!) Sheedy, much to the condemnation of Kevin Sheedy’s family.
In desperation, Sheedy phones his loyal Bomber pals Matthew (Lurch) Lloyd and Tim (Big Mouth Strikes Again!) Watson. Kev pleads with them to stay for an evening, hoping to avoid in having direct contact with Hirdy as much as possible.
Can these two men live together in harmony without driving each other crazy?…

Carlton

Trying to ease the intolerable and unbearable tension already in the house, Hirdy was reminiscing about the good old days in Bomber land under big Kev’s leadership.
Breaking him off in mid sentence, out of the blue, Sheedy spits out:
“Don’t come to me with your petty problems. You boys hear him whining for only one stinkin’ night, I’m now cooped up with “Mary Poppins” 24 hours a day!”
Hawthorn

In company with Matthew and Tim over for quite a few beers and a not so friendly game of poker, the game is suddenly stopped short.

Lloyd: “What are you, crazy, letting him go to the toilet alone?”
Watson: “Suppose he tries to kill himself?”
Sheedy: “How’s he gonna kill himself in the loo?”
Lloyd: “Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades poison anything that’s in there.”
Sheedy: “Nah, that’s the kid’s bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.”
Lloyd “He could jump!”
Watson: “That’s right! Isn’t there a window in there?”
Sheedy: “Yeah, but its only six inches wide.”
Lloyd: “Yeah, well he could break the glass – he could cut his wrists!”
Sheedy: “He could also flush himself into the Yarra River. I’m telling you he’s not going to do anything.”
Watson: “Sh! Sh! Listen!…Listen!”
Sheedy and Watson follow Lloyd to the bathroom door; Jimbo is heard crying.
Lloyd: “He’s crying. You hear that? Hirdy is crying!”
Watson: “Isn’t that terrible? For God sakes Kev, do something, say something!”
Sheedy: “What?…What do you want me to bloody say to a bloke who’s crying in your bathroom?”

St Kilda

“Alright mate?” Enquired Lloyd, as Hirdy finally stepping out of the bathroom.
“Ah…you “assumed” Mate!” Snapped Hirdy. “You should never “assume”. You see when you “assume” continuing, smiling villainously “You make an “ass” …out of you…and “me”, arrogantly walking off in to another room.

Port Powerless

“For Christ Sakes. Look at you. You’re the only man in the world with clenched hair!” Laughed Tim as Hirdy was staring at himself in the hallway mirror, adjusting his greasy mane.

Fremantle

Resuming their delay game of poker, concerned about Hirdy’s state of mind, Watson whispered to Lloyd the following:
“What if Hirdy is laying on the gutter face down somewhere? Who would know who he is?”
“He’s got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, Australia bloody lights up.” Barked Sheedy, sitting himself at the poker table, shuffling the cards irritably

Shitney

(Sniffs) “What’s the smell? Disinfectant?”
(Sheedy smells his cards)
“It’s the cards. He’s washed bloody the cards.” Fumed Watson and Lloyd.
(Both gets up from the poker table)
“I’m getting out of here. I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three bloody hours!” Screamed Sheedy, angrily banging his fists on the edge of the table, knuckles beginning to slightly bleed.

Geelong

“What are you doing?” A confused Watson asked.
“Sterilizing the wound.” Fumed Sheedy.
“With beer?” Lloyd questioned, bewildered, shacking his head.
“It’s got alcohol in it.” Sheedy retorted.

 

West Coast

Opening up the moldy smelly fridge that was almost completely empty, Hirdy decided to bring a snack over to Sheedy to calm him down. Risking a fist in his face, Hirdy gently asks: “You want brown rice or green juice?”
“What’s the bloody difference?” Raged Sheedy.
Hirdy examining the contents of the food, nervously responded “Three weeks.”

North Melbourne (God! I hate them)

“You can’t spend the rest of your life crying, it annoys people on the telly!”
Confirmed Sheedy trying to restore some much-needed harmony in this hellish environment. Less than four hours ago Sheedy’s holiday home was his only sanctuary away from the constant scrutiny from the media until Tarzan (Hirdy) came swinging over uninvited.
“Don’t point that finger to me! Unless you intend to use it!” Seethed Hirdy.
“I’m a neurotic and senile old fart, but you’re bonkers!” Sheedy storming off to his bedroom, slamming the door firmly shut!

In this highly emotional volcanic scenario, Mount Sheedy was just about to erupt; Watson and Lloyd finally came to their senses that they both have outstayed their welcome.
In an Essendon minute, Watson and Lloyd rapidly decided to make themselves scarce. Typically, without a care in the world, Jimbo walked over to Sheedy’s bedroom, sarcastically grinning and bid him: “Goodnight.”
Sheedy hurling his empty beer bottle to the bedroom door roared: “Goodbye!”

 

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Do-Gooders are stuffing our game up.

images

pic: foxsportspulse.com

 

So.

The do-gooders are at it again in this Nanny State we live in.

Some panel of idiots have decided that we will no longer be doing any scoring, awards or finals for the kids in under age Aussie Rules footy There will be no ladders, match results or representative teams under the new ruling.

We will not have any scoreboards at the game either – the boofheads who decided this think the kids won’t know who has won and who the best players were.

WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!

It seems we can’t let little Johnny get upset if his team loses or if he doesn’t get a medal at the end of the year. Learning to lose is probably more important for the junior boys and girls than learning to win and we do this by letting the kids experience both.

Striving for excellence often begins with finishing second.

Many years ago I played in an under 11’s junior footy team where we did not win a game all year but it did not deter me from the contest the following week.

I recently coached a junior cricket team that only won 2 games for the year but every kid turned up to training each week and loved playing the game every Saturday.

Do we have to wrap up our babies in cotton wool forever? Already tackling has been taken out of junior footy in a lot of competitions which may or may not be a good thing for the little kids but but taking the prize away from them is just ridiculous and does not teach any life skills to our children. Life is full of winning and losing and what better place than a sporting club to get kids accustomed to life’s disappointments of finishing second and striving to finish first.

Has this ridiculous ruling been brought in to curb the  feral parents at the game who are more obssesed with the result of the contest than the kids are? (I have seen plenty of feral parents at junior footy first hand). Will taking the scoring and the result away really improve the behaviour of the red neck parent? Will it really make the kids happy at the end of the game/season?

I think not.

Kids love talking about the game, who won and lost and who the best players were.

Perhaps we should take away scoring, awards and premierships at  senior AFL level too so the Poor ol’ Footscray supporters can finally have something to smile about.

 

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Lost in Space!…Giro Numero Uno…(Round 1)…

 

ROUND 1 contribution from our Italian Correspondents and DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP Tipstresses BYRD & CONTESSA MANSKI

LOST IN SPACE

Lost in Space!…Giro Numero Uno…(Round 1)…

At long last, we have been reunited back for another calamity of AFL season 2014.
Contessa Manski and I are bursting at the seams with great anticipation for this year.
No surprises there folks, shenanigans have already mounted.
Crikey! Kick off has yet to even commence!
Andrew “Gaddafi” Demetriou is finally abdicating from his dodgy, ruthless and sleazy dictatorship as the Chief at seasons end. There is a God!
If Pope Francis can drop the F Bomb during his speech in the Vatican City recently (He’s our Hero!) then we reckon we can all walk on water.
Just remember Punters nothing is impossible, anything is possible.
Mean while during the hiatus, with the AFL footy world suffering from massive over exposure, over blown egos, exaggerated financial exchange, ludicrous offers not to mention tyrannical Homo sapiens in the mix, the Federal sports Minister – The Honorary Peter (Mutton) Dutton
MP has orbited the entire AFL world to a third planet in the Alpha Centauri star system to teach them all a valuable lesson in life and most importantly human behavior.
On board Jupiter 2, Doctor Zachary Smith, an enemy for Bill (Kill Bill) Shortens’ Labor government is sent to sabotage the mission, successfully reprogramming the ship’s Robot.

Fremantle

Ross (Rampaging) Lyons spits out to Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley while doing their gravity exercises floating inside the space ship:
“Give my regards to oblivion. Evil knows Evil.”
“It’s the world behind the world” Yelled Nathan to Ross, adding “Lie once, cheat twice and everything becomes clear.”
The Robot waving his metal arms furiously: “Crush! Kill! Destroy!”

Shitney

Squabbling about GWS (God! What Slobs!) Catastrophic encounter against Shitney playing at Giants – Grubby (Spotless) Stadium somewhere in Western Shitney, a war of words between the Doctor and the Robot erupted.
The Robot: “ I have principles.”
Doctor Zachary Smith: “And I have not? Is that what you’re implying?”
The Robot: “Do you insist an answer?”
Doctor Zachary Smith: “At Once!”
The Robot: “And you will not remove my power pack if I speak the truth?”
Doctor Zachary Smith: “Just answer the question!”
The Robot: “Then I choose silence.”
Doctor Zachary Smith: “Oh, you do, do you?”

Richmond

Sentimentally Gary (Gazza the Dazzler) is hopelessly trying to locate Metricon Intergalactic Stadium for Planet Has Beens with the Gamma ray telescope he stole from Doctor Zachary Smith. Viewing Planet Earth from Jupiter 2 cockpit window, Doctor Zachary Smith slithers behind Gazza the Dazzler hissing:
“Something you should abide on this world or any other, never trust anyone. Especially me.”
Appearing out of nowhere, the Robot interrupts: “That does not compute!”
“Oh shut up!” sniggered Doctor Zachary Smith disconnecting the Robot’s power pack.

Carlton

Inside Jupiter 2 conference cubicle, the mood was grim. Carlton were feeling apprehensive and uneasy facing Port Adelaide on Saturday. “Never fear, Mick is here.” Soothed Mick (The Wise One) Malthouse to his Blue boys. Leaving the conference cubicle, Mick walked out heading towards the Robot, baffled, he discovered that the power pack was switched off. Mick reconnected it, and saw the Robot come back to life. Patting the Robot, Mick reassured:
“Never fear Mick is here.”

Geelong

Walking with Chris (Beam Me Up Scotty) the Robot was in sudden combat mode.
Doctor Zachary Smith: “Ahh. Now then my dear friend. I should like to hear a brief, but compelling statement on the sterling character of one Zachary Smith.
The Robot: “Does not compute.”
The Doctor: “Spare me the editorial comments.”
The Robot fires electric bolts near Smith as a warning, the Doctor yelps as the Robot fires warning blasts at him again. Wisely the Doctor runs for cover.

North Melbourne (God! I hate them!)

Much to Doctor Zachary Smith irritation, returning from an unscheduled meeting with Brad (Not So Beam Me Up Scotty) Scott in spaceship cubicle 207, the Doctor demanded the following:
“ Well, I’d like you to explain just what you were doing there.”
The Robot: “All systems preempted. Fixed position must be maintained.”
The Doctor: “Really? Well, I’ve got a little work for you that’s far more important than experimenting with celery salad or whatever that idiot Brad got you going. Follow me!”
The Robot: “Imperative that I do not abandon my station. Repeat. Imperative.”
The Doctor: “Never mind all that nonsense. You’re coming with me.”
The Robot: “Imperative that I do not abandon my…
Dr. Zachary Smith yanks out the Robot’s power pack, holding it up retorts:
“That is a little imperative you didn’t bargain for.”
Hawthorn

Along with Jonathan (Lost in Translation) Brown and Alistair (Angry Little Man) Clarkson were still floating around Jupiter 2 doing gravity exercises. Stupidly Jonathan is unable to locate the off switch; he involuntarily bumps in to the Robot who seems to be mechanically lifeless. Thinking that the power pack is the off switch, Jonathan inserts the power pack back on.
In horror they both watch the Robot regain life. Angrily the Robot fires electric bolts at the both of them as Jonathan and Alistair are swimming away in the air for dear life.

St Kilda

Ogling at a female crewmember on board Jupiter 2, Nick (Dikileaks) Riewoldt swaggers over towards her proclaiming:
“I am God. Within these shorts lives a beast.” Strolling off in a sleazy grin eventually bumping in to the Doctor.
“I highly recommend you never breed. That by the way is my Medical opinion.” Snorted Dr. Zachary Smith.

West Coast Eagles

Thundering voices could be heard echoing from inside the cubicle conference. Brendan (Macca) McCartney was getting in Adam’s (Go West!) Simpson’s face, swearing, bickering about the competence, integrity and qualification of his coaching abilities, eventually erupting into a massive fight. Brendan accuses Adam of inexperience as the new head coach for the Eagles.
Brendan violently removes Adam’s Maximum Absorption Garment (Space Nappy) rips off his (IDB) In-Suit Drink Bag mounted inside Adam’s space suit, locking Adam inside Jupiter 2 waste dump capsule.
“It would appear that you and I are the only ones awake…I…just couldn’t sleep” Stammered Brendan (Macca) McCartney noticing Dr. Zachary Smith appearing in full view from out of nowhere.
“You’re probably suffering from a guilty conscience” belittled Dr. Zachary Smith.

At long last, The Robot sees Smith, starts chasing him around a chair demanding: “This is no time for playing games, I advise you to come peacefully”.
Doctor Zachary Smith keeping chair between Robot and himself: “You’ll never take me alive!”
Fuming the Doctor continued: “ Who are you? What are you doing? What is going to happen to me?
The Robot: “ In order of the questions asked – One: It does not compute! Two: I can perform any function of an environmental control nature, as well as…
“ I know that. Get to the point!” yelled the Doctor.
The Robot: “Three: Since your human form does not compute, this question can only be answered by trial- and-error method.”
“I’m doomed. Oh the pain! The pain!” sobbed the Doctor.

Tipsmaster’s note: WARNING! WARNING! YOU SILLY BOOBY… Ah I love Lost in Space…

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Carlton number 11

Did anyone see Carlscum dud Robert Warnock miss that soda of a shot at goal from dead in front last night?

Fair dinkum he is a disgrace to the Carlton number 11 Guernsey worn by Champion player Glenn Hawker.

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AFL new hair styles for round 1

Gazza was quite boring this year since he has done nothing over the off season to change his look –

ablett

…then again, what could you possibly do with that cue ball?

 

Three blokes in one, Nick, Nat and Nui

nicnat

…is auditioning for the next Pirates of the Carribean episode.

 

buddy

Does Buddy really think no one will recognise him with his fake beard?

 

Dyson Heppell

heppell

As usual looks like a bird’s nest.

 

ROHAN-Gary

This bloke just hurts…

 

What is that thing on Michael Hurley’s head?

hurly (herald sun)

021

Former DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster TIM E CLARKE becomes our first 2014 ‘SEPARATED AT BIRTH’ contestant since he has already adpoted the ‘HURLEY THING ON HIS HEAD’ look.

 

But as usual, you can’t go past Carlton’s Vinnie Catoggio for being the trend setter in hair styles for round one of every AFL season!

catoggio

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Disgraceful Tipstering Decision

Good morning tipsters.

I suppose by now most of you will have noticed on the tipping site www.footytips.com that we all tipped all 4 correct winners last weekend. Yes folks, as many of you notified me late last Friday, the tipping website had crashed so many of you were unable to submit your tips.

Hence the footytips website has decided to reward everyone with excellence, regardless of the fact that most of you pesky late tipsters were trying to get a sneaky edge over the rest of us by submitting your tips at the last minute.

Well let me tell you, I reckon it is a dead set disgrace. For the first time in my life I was head to head with tipster PEAR and one ahead of BARNSEY and PADDO. Now my one moment of tipstering glory has been bruitally taken away from me.

Bloody computers.

Oh woe is me…

Col – Your ever shattered tipsmaster.

This is the official message from the footytips website on the issue:

We will be awarding participating tippers correct tips and margins for all matches in all sports which occurred from
5PM AEDT Friday March 14th to Monday March 17th inclusive, as a result of the hardware and database issues that affected the footytips.com.au website and mobile platforms over the weekend.

We understand that many tippers were unable to make their selections over the weekend, and we believe this is the fairest solution for all active users.

Please note that we will not be awarding correct tips for the remainder of AFL round one from Thursday March 20 to Sunday March 23 inclusive.

We have taken steps to correct the technical problems that affected the footytips.com.au website and mobile platforms last weekend, and we are working hard to ensure you have a stable platform on which to make your tips.We apologise again for the inconvenience this has caused.

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N.P.R – Never Pick Richmond

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Thanks to Scott Healy and AFL Banter.

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