Monthly Archives: June 2014

Winners and Losers of AFL…Giro Numero Quattordici…(Round 14)…

A change of pace from our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV. These wonderously witty wordsmith wierdos have turned their hand to a spot of poetry in Giro Numero Quattordici (round 14 for the rest of you..)

Do not miss the AFL HIGHLIGHTS U-TUBE package at the end (warning there may be some nudity!)

Here is their wise poem of wisdom about winning and losing to comfort us one and all and restore some faith back in to the game, most importantly tipping…Sigh!…

voss

For those who are feeling glum, despondent if not defeated by the state of this footy season thus far, here is a wise poem of wisdom about winning and losing to comfort us one and all and restore some faith back in to the game, most importantly tipping…Sigh!…

Winning is a living thing, a complex deity to all living things.
Winning inspires people to do great things, and succeed where no others have before.
Winning is joy, happiness and relief, deep down in the soul.
Winning is the cure for depression, the answer to life’s problems.
Winning lets you fly, releases you from all the stress and troubles.
All in that one brief second.

Yet there is another side to winning, one not well knows.
Winning is a malicious beast, a terrifying nightmare.
Winning brews hate, revenge, and resentment, always lurking at the front of mind.
Winning is envy, minds shattering in spite.
Winning stops dreams in their tracks.
Winning kills the drive to succeed, crushes all that one knows.
For if you win, someone loses.

Losing is malicious, twisted beast.
Losing is depression and hopelessness, never to succeed in your most wanted dream.
Losing is hate, the embers of revenge, worming through minds like the fog.
Losing will brew rage, snap minds with a flick.
Losing is chaos, destroying hopes and dreams.
All in a quick flash.

Yet there is another side to losing, one not well known.
Losing is a friend, a helping hand.
Losing inspires hard work and dedication.
Losing commits you to an idea and a dream.
Losing starts a willful drive, a will to beat one thing.
The thing that is better than you, or stronger than you, or faster than you.
For if you lose, someone wins.

So when you win, remember the ones that lose.
Do not put them down.
Simply congratulate them.
And celebrate inside.

So when you lose, remember the ones ahead of you.
Do not become jealous.
Simply congratulate them.
And strive to achieve.
Shitney

Winners: “Who you are tomorrow begins with what you do today.” Spoke John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire to his beloved Swans, adding: “Self-belief Wise choice and Karma are the three main ingredients of winners.”

Losers: “If you’re confused about what to do, it’s a sign that your enemy is winning!” Yelled Damien (Hardly!) Hardwick to his toothless Tigers.

Port Adelaide

Winners: “You can never quit, winners never quit, and quitters never win.” Roared all the Port Players before kick off.

Losers: “Winning or losing achieves the same result – Change.” Grouched Brendan (Macca) McCartney to his Doggies’ as they reluctantly jogged on to Adelaide Oval ready for play.

Hawthorn

Winners: “There is always room for losers in the football business. They are the mother’s milk of gambling and why not? Somebody has to do it, or there won’t be any winners.” Alistair (Angry Little Man) Clarkson snorted to his Hawks.

Losers: “If you want to find the real competition, just look in the mirror. After a while you’ll see your rivals scrambling for second place.” Aggressively Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley stated to his misfits praying for a miracle this Saturday.

Geelong

Winners: “Don’t just do your best, be the best at what you do.” Inspired the Cats’ to one another during their pre-match group huddle.

Losers: “To win you need to have first lost. That makes you so hungry to win that you’ll do everything you can to achieve it.” Boasted “Gazza the Dazzler” to his Bums while doing the breast stroke in the heated indoor swimming pool at the Metricon Intergalactic Stadium of Planet Has Beens gymnasium.

Fremantle

Winners: “You win some, you lose some, and you wreck some.” Ross (Rampaging) Lyon winked to his Dockers’ to carry out during play.

Losers: “Set your goals high and don’t stop till you get there.” Pleaded Justin Leppitsch on bended knees.

Adelaide

Winners: “Obstacles are challenges for winners and excuses for losers.” Disciplined Brenton (Sandman) Sanderson

Losers: “If you lose your temper you lose!” Soothed Bomber Thompson to his treasured Bombers in the change rooms of Etihad Stadium.

Carlton

Winners: “A person who buys excuses will soon attempt to sell them to others.” Mick tutoring the following, eventually losing his composure: “No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one third of the games. No matter how bad you are, you’re gong to win one third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference! “

Losers: “Forget seizing the moment. Seize the opportunity.” Leon (King of Leon) Cameron reassured to his young recruits.

 

 

West Coast

Winners: “Winning is a science. Educate yourself to win.” Lectured Adam (Go West!) Simpson knowing full well what the outcome will be.

Losers: “While you’re sitting there thinking about it someone else is out there doing it.” Moaned Alan (You Can Call Me Al) Richardson to Nick (Dikileaks) Riewoldt and his sunken Saints’.

North Melbourne

Winners: “Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is.” Brad (Not So Beam Me Up Scotty) Scott urged his players’ to stay in the top eight.

Losers: “Not trying is failure’s best friend.” Threatened Paul (Lose) Roos to his defenseless Demons who were playing naught and crosses on the floor with a chalk.

Here is a trip to memory lane of notable winners and losers’.
No doubt there is something quite unique about Aussie rules, it’s more than a game.

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Sh1t football team

DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster STEW CLARKE from team LEGEND has brought to my attention a fair dinkum sh1t football team from Div 3 in Adelaide.

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In the past 8 rounds they have been smacked by a total of:

419goals, 214 behinds = 2728 points

to

9 goals, 7 behinds = 61 points

The Kilburn Football Team – I reckon Col Gray could get a game amongst that lot, Portarlington would even put them to shame!

 

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Carlton milestone

CARLTON

Don’t forget Essendon from that list either!

 

Lovingly sent to us by DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster PEAR.

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Ghostbusters…Giro Numero Tredici…(Round 13)…

Friday the 13th always brings out the spooky stuff in us all – not to mention our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV.

They have commissioned our favorite GHOSTBUSTERS to combat the spooky DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP round.

ghostbusters

On Friday the 13th of June 2014 three misfit parapsychologists Kevin (I’m Not Sorry Now!) Sheedy, Michael (Was the Boss) Voss and Mark (Back from the Dead) Neeld are called to the AFL headquarters – Docklands after a series of apparent paranormal activities, where they encounter a ghost, but are frightened away when the ghost transforms in to a horrifying monster Jimbo (The Fugitive) Hird.
After losing their jobs as football Coaches’, the trio establishes a paranormal extermination and investigations service known as “Ghostbusters”. They develop high-tech equipment capable of capturing ghosts and open their own business in a disused, run down firehouse in Eastern Hill in East Melbourne.
At the Park Hyatt Hotel, they capture their first ghost and deposit it in a specially built containment unit in the firehouse basement. Paranormal activity then begins to increase all over Melbourne City. The Ghostbusters become celebrities by containing it, but are increasingly overworked and hire a fourth member, Warwick (Crapper) Capper.

Carlton

Kick off was just about to commence live on channel 7 sports at the MCG for Friday night footy.
Matthew (Riccio) Richardson was reading out both teams’ statistics to the viewers when Michael Voss grabbed Matthew Richardson’s microphone advertising the following:
“Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?”
Warwick Capper blowing kisses fixing his peroxide mane, snatching the microphone from a stunned Voss: “Do you…umm…experience…umm feelings of dread in your…ah…basement or attic?”
Kevin Sheedy shoving Warwick Capper out of his way thrusting an accusing finger angrily to the viewers: “Have you or your family ever seen a spook, spectre, ghost or worse still Jimbo Hird?”
Mark Neeld smiling nervously at the camera, preaching: “If the answer is “Yes”, then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals. Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours to serve all your supernatural elimination needs”.
“Michael Voss, Warwick Capper, Kevin Sheedy and I we’re ready to believe in you.”
“Gimmie that microphone Neeld!” Riccio was furious adding: “Why don’t you lot go and eliminate your needs elsewhere, wear a white sheet over you heads, and rattle some chains instead!” Matthew took a deep breath and began to press on.

Fremantle

The Ghostbusters have just completed a hunt inside the change rooms of the MCG, where an unsuspecting Damien (Hardly!) Hardwicke and the Tigers were cornered by the Ghostbusters.
Kevin Sheedy: “ We came, we saw, we kicked their butts!”
“Did you see it? What was it?” An excited Warwick Capper jumping up and down.
Michael Voss holding up a steaming ghost-trap victoriously: “We got them!”
“What is it? Will there be anymore of them?” Enquired nervously Mark Neeld.
“Fellas what you have here is what we refer to as focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm, or class five full roaming vapor. Real nasty ones too! Nah we shouldn’t worry about this lot, it’s just an illusion.’ Confirmed Sheedy.
Port Adelaide

“Hey Capper, this reminds me of the time when you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?” Laughed Sheedy as Warwick was scratching his head doing nothing in particular.
“That would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me”. Nodded Warwick.

West Coast

Stopping Adam (Go West!) Simpson outside Paterson Stadium, Mark Neeld was on a mission. “Let’s talk seriously, now”. Mark Neeld holds up ten fingers behind Kevin Sheedy. “For this entrapment, we’re gonna have to ask you for ten big ones. Ten thousand dollars for that. But we are having a special this week on proton charging and storage of the beast “Gazza the Dazzler”. Mark Neeld now holds nine fingers adding “ and that’s only going to come to nine thousand dollars. What do you say? Are you in?”

Brisbane Lions

Admittedly Michael Voss was concerned, confessing: “You know what fellas? It just occurred to me that we really haven’t had a successful test on this equipment.”
“I blame myself.” Revealed Kevin Sheedy.
“So do I.” Asserted Mark Neeld.
“Well, no sense in worrying about it now.” Kevin Sheedy shrugging his shoulders.
“Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our backs”. Smiled Mark Neeld ready for attack.

North Melbourne

“Where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?” Brad (Not So Beam Me Up Scotty) Scott analyzed the Ghostbusters.
“In a storage facility.” Grumbled Sheedy.
“And may I see this storage facility?” Inquired Brad.
“No!” Barked Michael Voss.
Brad Scott fuming: “Why not?”
“Coz…um…you did…um…not use the magic word.” Stammered Warwick.
“What is the magic word Blondie?” Yelled Andrew (Shallow) Swallow clenching his fist.
“Um…Please?…Um…” Hiding behind Mark Neeld as he’s trying to restore calm.

Geelong

“The structure of the Saints is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space. Let’s skip this one, no ghosts would wanna hang around this lot, even the poltergeists are sick and tired of throwing things around and slamming their lockers in their change rooms.” Asserted Voss with all the other Ghostbusters in agreement.

Collingmaguirevomitshitwood

“Listen Bucks! Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut of by a brainless idiot!” Screamed an uncharacteristic Mark Neeld.
“The Magpies caused an explosion?” Michael Voss was seething.
“Is this true?” Kevin Sheedy was at boiling point.
“These zombies are not worth it. We still have work to do” Warwick Capper stunned his Ghostbusters with his reasoning.

Essendon

“The traveller has come! Confirmed Sheedy “Did you boys chose anything? Did you think of anything?”
“No!” Trembled Michael Voss.
All four Ghostbusters slowly turn to look at each other in horror, on the side of the roof of the Docklands Headquarters; they all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat resembling Jimbo (The Fugitive) Hird.
“Bloody Hell!” Screamed Sheedy “It’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man! Are you ready fellas, let’s toast him!

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Blazing Saddles…Giro Numero Dodici…Round 12…‏

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivultes of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives…

That’s right tipsters, our Italian Correspondents Signora Byrd, Signora Uncle Ev and Contessa Manski have consulted Sherriff Bart of Blazing Saddles fame to bring us their selections this round.

Lilly Von Schtupp herself would be proud of this lot!

pic

In the remote Western Australian outback in the town of Menzies, construction of a new football stadium led by the state Premier Colin (Collie) Barnett is being built in a town located 595 kilometers north east of Perth – Kalgoorlie. The conniving newly self-appointed State Attorney General, Andrew “Gaddafi” Demetriou wants to buy the land along with the newly built stadium cheaply by driving out the townspeople of Kalgoorlie. He sends a thug, Mark (I’m An Individual) Jackson and his flunky assistant Tony (Geek) Peeks to scare them away, prompting the townsfolk and the Governor Mike (Fitzy) Fitzpatrick to demand a new Sheriff for the county.
The new Sheriff Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan and the assistance of drunken gunslinger Kevin (I’m Not Sorry Now!) Sheedy unite to overcome the townsfolk’s hostile reception.
Big Kev befriends Mick (The Wise One) Malthouse an immensely strong, slow thinking but surprisingly philosophical trustworthy Confederate sent by the Governor (Fitzy) to restore harmony and to rid of Andrew “Gaddafi” Demetriou along with his army of bandits.

Carlton

Sent by Demetriou, Jacko wasted no time in looting the town of Kalgoorlie. In the super pit open gold mine, Waco Jacko launched a tirade of abuse berating an enraged Chris (Beam Me Up Scotty) Scott and his players in the searing desert heat, screaming and spluttering like a demented lunatic the following:
“Come on boys! The way you idiots are lollygaggin’ around here with them picks and shovels; you’d think it was 120 degrees out here! Keep digging for that bloody golden nugget. Or else!” Demanded Mark (I’m An Individual) Jackson to his former Cats, as the poor fellas were all passing out in droves with the scorching heat.
“Not so fast Jacko!” Threatened Mick (The Wise One) Malthouse. “None of this belongs to you or your hooligans, hand it over! Now!”
“Am I supposed to scared?” Jacko sneered his toothless grin reaching for the shovel ready for attack.
‘Yup!” Knocking out Jacko with his heavy-duty aluminum slingshot. “Gotcha!” Laughed Mick Malthouse.

Hawthorn

“What did you expect? “Welcome Alistair?” “Make yourself at home?” “Marry my sister?”
”You’ve got to remember that you and your Hawks are just simply amateurs. We are the exemplary team of the AFL, the common clay of the game. As for your lot, you are the common clay of the South. You know…Morons.” Adam (Go West!) Simpson strolled out of the Exchange Hotel whistling.
Big Kev who was typically by the bar drinking, in an instant pinned Alistair Clarkson firmly down on to the ground preventing him from throwing another chair towards the front door of the pub.
Port Adelaide

“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thoughts cascading into the waterfalls of a creative genius.” Ken (Kinky) Hinkley revealed to his chaps sharing a glass of wine on the balcony of the two-storey historic Recreation Hotel situated in Boulder with his lads.
“Yeah well you’re team as well as yourself are a moderate creek of smelly sewage throwing up bad coaching advice imposed by an impotent idiot.” Retorted Demetriou gatecrashing their bonding session.

Western Bulldogs

“What in the Wide World of Sports is going on here?” Yelled Brendan (Macca) McCartney witnessing his Doggies rioting and sculling Kalgoorlie’s local brew “Packhorse Pale Ale” outside the Exchange Hotel with a very drunk Jonathan (Lost in Translation) Brown tied up to the back of the Hotel dunny door.

Essendon

The new Sherriff Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan brought together an already tanked gunslinger Big Kev (Sheedy) and his loyal Confederate Mick Malthouse proclaiming: “ I want you to round up every vicious criminal in the West. Take this down.”
Big Kev looks for a pen and paper while Gillon talks.
“As the Governor Mike (Fitzy) Fitzatrick directive, I want you both to round up rustlers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, muggers, buggeres and bushwhackers.”
Big Kev finally finding a pen and paper. “Could you repeat that, Sheriff?” Stumbling on to Mick Malthouse.
“For God sakes!” Grumbled Mick angrily shoving Big Kev hard causing him to fall face down.

Shitney

John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire clearly irritated about the new laws of the land imposed by the new Sheriff Gillon, hankering for a speedy explanation. “I better check out this McMoron character.” Grabbing his BD Professional slingshot.
“Oh no, don’t do that. If you sling him, you’ll just make him mad.” Pleaded Kieran (Kiki) Jack.
Appearing out of nowhere, Gary (Gazza the Dazzler) Ablett could not resist the opportunity. “You wanna see mad? Try some of this!” Kicking red dirt directly into John Longmire’s eyes, Gazza running like a bat out of hell for dear life.

Fremantle

“Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and your property, the rightful owners.” Whined Tony (Geek) Peek to Ross (Rampaging) Lyon. Demetriou Jacko and I are not interested what have to say or even how your Dockers play.”
“Look at my hand. Steady as a rock” admitted Ross (Rampaging) Lyon raises a hand and holds it level. Ross raises the other hand, which is violently trembling continues: “Yeah, but I shoot with this one.”

North Melbourne

Triumphantly Brad (Not So Beam Me Up Scotty) Scott professed to his Kangaroos: “Here I stand to set you men on fire. We have the power to teach Damien (Hardly!) Hardwicke and his toothless Tigers to shut their jaws once and for all.”

 

Collingmaguirevomitshitwood

Big Kev straggles in with the new town Sheriff Gillon as they suspiciously witnessed Waco Jacko Demetriou and Tony in deep conversation with Bucks and his shitwoods.
Unimpressed Big Kev: “Meeting is adjourned.”
The Sheriff: “What?”
Big Kev: “Meeting is adjourned.”
The Sheriff: “It is?”
Big Kev: “No, you say that Sheriff.”
The Sheriff: “What?”
Big Kev: “ Meeting is adjourned.”
The Sheriff: “It is?”

Big Kev in defeat sighs, then gives Sheriff Gillon a football. “Here, Sheriff play with this. Mick and I are going back by the campfire for some good ol’ Aussie grub.

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Gillon of Seville…Giro Numero Undici…(Round 11)…

SEVILLE

Not far away from Etihad Stadium – Docklands, Rossini’s world famous opera “Il Barbiero di Siviglia” (The Barber of Seville) is playing exclusively for one night only at the Princess Theatre – Melbourne.
This performance is a special one, completely sold out. All proceeds go towards a charitable organization; this event was organized by leading sponsors and the AFL administration.
Meanwhile back at the AFL Headquarters – Docklands, inside the glass open view office of the newly appointed AFL CEO, the infighting between Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan and Andrew “Gaddafi” Demetriou is now at breaking and physical point. Escaping from the clutches of Demetriou’s headlock, Gillon kicks Andrew in the shins, flees from the top floor of the building through the back door, accessing the lifts for CEO only. Gillon heads down to the car park, dashes towards his black Lamborghini. In a frightful panic searching for his car keys, he drops the keys on to the floor. Eventually composing himself, Gillon speeds off in his car heading towards north into Spring Street.
Gasping for breath, Gillon heads to the back stage door of the Princess Theatre, without realizing Andrew was already there waiting for him making sure that Gillon is to going to get a grooming he will never forget.

Geelong

In hot pursuit, Gillon suddenly finds himself on stage at the Princess Theatre where the Barber of Seville is being staged. Andrew uses the situation to his full advantage and has Gillon in the barber chair where he gives him the full treatment.
“Welcome to my shop, let me cut your mop, let me shave you crop” Andrew singing out of tune.
“This is brilliant, I had no idea Andrew was a wannabe Tenor, fantastic! Squealed Chris (Beam Me Up Scotty)
“Mate! I think this is no act it’s real!” Laughed John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire, adding, “count yourself lucky that It’s not me up there grooming you instead!”

Collingmaguirevomitshitwood

“Hey yoooou!” Screamed Andrew as Gillon was making his escape. “Don’t look so perplexed”. Why must you be next, yes your next!” Scissors waving in the air as Andrew began chasing Gillon around the stage. Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley was in tears laughing out loud. Collingmaguireeddie was savoring every moment of this unconventional display on stage.
“At least the bloody media and press can now leave me alone for a change”. Leaning over towards “Bucks” who was in the aisle guffawing hysterically.

 
Port Adelaide

Paul (Lose) Roos seemed the only ALF member slightly concerned by this bizarre event. Maybe Gillon needed saving. Getting off from his chair, Ken (Kinky) Hinkley nudged Paul hard on his ribs.
“Sit down!” instructed Ken. “Enjoy the show, you might learn a thing or two. God knows your lot could learn from this.” Winked Ken shoving a mouthful of popcorn.

Carlton

“How about a close shave, teach your whiskers to behave. Lot’s of lather lots of soap. Please hold still don’t be a dope.” Forcing Gillon in the barber’s chair, Andrew wailing out of sync, flares his hairy nostrils, razor in the air.
“I could do with a shave.” Jonathan (Lost in Translation) Brown admitted rubbing his stubble.
“Shut your face stupid!” Hissed Marc (Junior) Murphy.

Essendon

Andrew is skipping around Gillon who is forcefully strapped on to the barber’s chair trembling. Andrew throws rods of cash at the Orchestra pit, forcing the conductor and the musicians to play on. Sharpening the razor pressing on with the following: “ Now we’re ready for the scrapin’. There’s no use to try escapin’. Yell and scream and rant and rave. There’s no use you need a close shave!”
Seated in dress circle, Bomber Thompson was nervously scanning the theatre making sure there were no ASADA officials lurking in the audience witnessing this calamity.

Gold Coast Bums

“Ooh ouch ouch ooh ooh ooh ouch!” Yelped poor Gillon as Andrew was swinging his razor from side to side carelessly.
“Phew! What a relief I lack in the hair department.” Confessed Gary (Gazza the Dazzler) Ablett rubbing his 10 million dollar baldhead.
“Seems to me you’re inadequate in every department at the moment!” Snorted Brenton (Sandman) Sanderson.

Fremantle

“There you’re nice and clean! Although your face looks like it might have gone through a
Ma-chine.” Andrew bowing to the audience feeling accomplished as always the centre of attention, disregarding the fact he is no longer the chief.

Hawthorn

“Look out!” Screeched Alistair (Angry Little Man) Clarkson to Andrew, Gillon almost transforming into the Incredible Hulk with rage. Chasing Andrew around the stage to teach him a lesson, they both end up running out the back stage door in to Spring Street.

West Coast Eagles

“I wanna see this fight, chief versus former chief, come on let’s go!” A delighted Adam (Go West!) rounded up his boys. Standing in the top end of Bourke and Spring Streets, there was no sign of Gillon or Andrew. Where did they go?
Shrugging his shoulders Adam and his Eagles headed off to the Imperial Hotel for a few pints of lager instead.

 

 

 

 

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Seperated at birth – episode XVI

images

bigfooty.com

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