Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have re-visited one of my old favorites this round in their weekly analysis of our Football fraternity. Yes folks enjoy their episode of BUGSY, ROCKY & MUGSY (I don’t know how they’s done it but I know they’s done it!)
Gillon – Bugsy (McMoron) McLachlan had no choice but to relocate from his luxurious mansion in Toorak due to heavy winter rains that has caused irreparable and structural damage to his home, a massive hole on the roof, his Maserati crushed beyond recognition from a fallen elm tree that has been uprooted from the torrential rain.
Moving to drier quarters for some peace and quiet, Gillon now lives in his investment property, a condemned house.
Located in Rose Street Brunswick, Gillon quickly had fled from his residence to avoid his enraged family including the scrutiny of the media who were already camped outside his usual residence waiting for him.
Meanwhile due to their sudden and unexpected exodus in both their recent posts within the AFL Headquarters and on the field, Rocky – Andrew (Gaddafi) Demetriou and his blockhead accomplice Mugsy – Jonathan (Lost in Translation) Brown needed to make a quick buck.
Inside the highly guarded Paspaley Pearl Boutique in Collins Street Melbourne, Demetriou convinced the Security Officer on duty that he would hire him as his own personal entourage if he would let him in for a privilege walk through without the need of an escort after closing time.
Rocky and Mugsy have just committed daylight robbery stealing all of the money as well as the precious and very rare pearls inside Paspaley’s Pearls store.
Assuming that Gillon’s house in Rose Street to be entirely abandoned, Demetriou and lame brain Brown seizes their opportunity to use the derelict house as their hide out.
Demetriou closes the door, pulls down the open blinds, as an extensive manhunt is now organized in search for the two thieves.
As Gillon is making himself a cuppa, all of a sudden he hears police sirens, and then clambering footsteps as Johnno and Andrew burst inside the house. Gillon realizes what’s going on and vows to take care of the two thugs while they rest for the night.
Rocky – Demetriou with his lit cigarette dangling from his lower lip demanded to Mugsy – Jonathan:
“Toin it on the radio”. The radio was on SEN station discussing the match between the Hawks and the Crows. Unexpectedly a newsflash blares through about the burglary and nearly gets mentioned where the police last saw them.
“Toin it off the radio.” Snarled Demetriou.
“Uh ok Rocky”. Replied an excited Jonathan as he skipped back to Demetriou.
Jonathan asks: “That was some haul, wasn’t it, boss?”
“Yeah. Get some shut-eye if we’re gonna pull that big job tomorrow.” Demetriou.
This alerts Gillon – Bugsy to the fact he’s dealing with these seasoned robbers who have already lightened up the wallets of all the AFL administrators, coaches’, players, members and beyond, and will continue to do so if they are not brought under control real soon. Gillon makes a very serious decision that crime cannot, does not, should not and will not pay.
Gillon grabs his old-fashioned telephone and slips it next to Rocky – Demetriou’s ear. Rocky is sitting in the only chair and Mugsy – Jonathan is lying down on the couch with his goofy grin on his face. Gillon whispers: “You’re crazy to trust your pal Mugsy with the pearls and money, he’s giving it to Chris (Beam Up Scotty) in exchange to be their assistant coach next season. Don’t make me laugh!” Rocky sits bolt upright, shrugs and goes back to sleep. Gillon won’t let him. He snickers: “Look at him just lyin’ there pretending to be asleep. And all that time he’s actually thinking. He’s getting’ ideas.” Gillon pulls away from Rocky before he can see him. Rocky gets out of the sofa, walks over to Mugsy on the sofa, rudely awakens his partner by slapping him three times in the face. “That’ll teach ya’s to get any ideers.” Rocky was offended.
“But boss, you know I don’t get any ideers.” Musgy shocked.
“Well, make sure you don’t!” Gnarled Rocky storming away leaving Mugsy confused.
Bugsy – Gillon seeing that Rocky – Demetriou and Jonathan – are sound asleep, he tiptoes out carrying a giant battle-axe. Gillon places the axe in with extreme caution in Mugsy – Jonathan’s right hand. Disappearing, Gillon grabs the old phone and informs Rocky – Demetriou the following: “Brad (Not So Beam Me Up Scotty) Scott and Alan (You Can Call Me Al) Richardson “Mugsy isn’t called the AFL butcher for nothin’. Don’t be fooled by dat smooth talk. He’s probably waiting for you to fall asleep.” Once again Rocky seems to think that Mugsy is out to harm him, he sits up and notices the axe Rocky is holding. Rather than let the axe remain in Mugsy’s clumsy hands, Rocky seizes the weapon and slice one of the couch’s arms cleanly almost in half.
“Your dirty scheme didn’t work, did it? Now go back to sleep!” Seethed Rocky.
“’That Rocky is a million laughs.” Laughed Mugsy thinking that Rocky mutilated the couch for fun.
Reading the Herald Sun about the Doggies achievable win along with Gary (Gazza the Dazzler) Ablett’s abrupt season’s end, Gillon has an idea, grabs his screwdriver from his toolbox. He climbs in to the manhole in the ceiling to unscrew the screws connecting the light over Rocky – Demetriou’s head. Mugsy – Jonathan sees the screws coming loose, knowing that Rocky will blame him if the light falls, he grab a ladder and a screw driver, climbs up the ladder, intending to screw the light back in. Before he finishes with the last screw, the light fixture falls. Looking up Rocky sees Mugsy on the ladder with a screwdriver in his hand.
“C’mere.” Fumed Rocky, kicking poor Mugsy high in the air, screaming “NOW GO TO SLEEP!”
Bugsy – Gillion switches Rocky – Demetriou’s cigarette with a humungous birthday sparkler, he walks over to Mugsy – Jonathan who was daydreaming about his grand final days with his Lions. Gillon whispering to the effect of Mugsy voice: “Hey Mugsy, c’mere, gimme a light.” Musgy walks over to his boss verbalizes: “I’m glad that you’re not mad with me no more.” Striking the match, lighting not a cigarette but the gigantic birthday sparkler, resulting the huge sparkler burning Rocky’s crooked beaked nose.
Mugsy – Jonathan moans: Aw, now you’re mad at me again!”
“Get in here!” Snaps Rocky – Demetriou. Shoves Mugsy – Jonathan into the next room, he hits Mugsy, soon after ties his hands and feet together. “ NOW GO TO SLEEP!!!” Rocky yells with finality.
“And you thought Mick (The Wise One) Malthouse was a brute to his boys!” Rocky muttered to himself heading towards the couch.
Bugsy – Gillon saws a perfect circle from underneath the floor where Rocky – Demetriou’s chair is positioned. Bugsy then slips the saw into Mugsy’s – Jonathan hand and slips back beneath the floor.
Rocky opens the door in to the next room and sees the saw in Mugsy’s possession proclaiming:
“I dunno how ya’s done it. BUT I KNOW YA’S DONE IT!!!”
“This is as bad as Port losing to those toothless wimps, there goes my bloody tips!” Rocky whined eventually storming out of the room slamming the door shut.
Finally Bugsy – Gillon appears from underneath the floor, fasten metallic roller skates on to Mugsy – Jonathan, attaches a powerful magnet and drags it down with him. Mugsy is forced to stand up, for a spilt second Mugsy stares at Rocky – Demetriou in complete bewilderment, shrugging his shoulders. Gillon drags the magnet, forcing Mugsy to smash in to Rocky.
“ So you wanna a show down! Why you!…Blasts Demetriou shoving him back.
Gillon is laughing hysterically as he continues to drag the magnet again and again.
“ What I would give to do the same thing to Bucks and his Magpies, that’ll fix them good and proper.”
Chuckling to himself as he’s still dragging the magnet from underneath the floorboards.
As Bugsy – Gillon was looking at the extended and very long injury list on GWS on his IPad, to determine the clubs added woes not to mention financially, police cars suddenly pull up.
Rocky – Demetriou along with Mugsy – Jonathan is arrested. Rocky wonders out loud how the police knew where they were hiding. Mugsy repeatedly keeps protesting his innocence. Rocky doesn’t believe him.
Gillon discloses their location by ingeniously hooking up a few electric bulbs and some wire at the front of his house flashing the words “ROCKY’S HIDEAWAY”.