Monthly Archives: April 2015
Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV have an excellent idea with Mick (Unwise One) Malthouse.
The answer to all their woes is to grab these swashbuckling heroes to do the job….If only…Sigh!…
D’Artagnan – Mark (Bomber) Thompson an inexperienced Gascon, travels to the Docklands to join the elite AFL Commissioner’s – Mike “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick Musketeers.
Arriving at the Docklands, D’Artagnan – Mark nevertheless presents himself to Mike “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick states audaciously: “A man is sometimes known by the enemies he makes.”
With that admission “Fitzy” instantly makes him a cadet.
On his way D’Artagnan – Mark befriends Athos – Kevin (Who’s Sorry Now?) Sheedy, not only is he one of the oldest Musketeers, he is also the most experienced not too mention very fond of the drink as well.
D’Artagnan – Mark also bumps into Porthos – Guy (Macca) McKenna who is slightly gullible, the extrovert of the group. He enjoys his wine, women and is a bit of a larrikin, even though he is still reeling from his immediate if not unforeseen dismissal. Along in company with the other recently expelled Coach Aramis – Brenton (Sandman) Sanderson unashamedly loves and courts women, still flirting with the insane idea that his sacking was a grave err of judgment.
Due to his mistreatment by those he trusted, to get his revenge, Aramis – Brenton practiced fencing for a year. He had become such an expert swordsman, that a recent fight only lasted a couple of seconds.
D’Artagnan – Mark annoyed that the other three Musketeers Athos – Kevin – Porthos – Guy and Aramis – Brenton are incredibly skilled Musketeers, he challenges them each to a duel.
Before they can begin however, Cardinal Richelieu’s – Mick (Unwise One) Malthouse men, who try to arrest the Musketeers, interrupts them. Outraged that the three are outnumbered, D’Artagnan – Mark joins them in dispatching their foes, displaying his superb swordsmanship in the process.
As a result, D’Artagnan – Mark is welcomed into their ranks.
The Musketeers are banded together to stop the Cardinal Richelieu’s – Mick dangerous plot to further embarrass and tarnish this beloved and traditional game by propositioning leadership to another poor unsuspecting Club.
Porthos – Guy debating with Aramis – Brenton the following about this unlikely duel with Alan (You Can Call Me Al) Richardson in this predictable defeat: “Aramis you cannot fight this man.”
“Why not?” sulked Aramis – Brenton ready to fight to prove his prodigious skills with his sword.
“I’m fighting him!” Demanded Porthos – Guy.
D’Artagnan – Mark casually steps in munching on some pheasant: “Not until one o’clock gentleman.
Athos – Kevin guzzling his third bottle of wine, trips over some rocks slurs with some conviction: “Not until two o’clock….Hiccup…
Athos – Kevin stumbles away, accidentally hitting his head hard on a branch nearby, eventually knocking himself out.
Cardinal Richelieu – Mick swaying his navy velvet cloak sniggers to the Musketeers: “If you give me six lines written by hand of the most honest Coaches, I will find something in them which will have them all sacked!”
Athos – Kevin pointing his sword smirks: “You Sir are arrogant, hot tempered and entirely out of your depth in this contest. Actually, you remind me of me!”
Cardinal Richelieu – Mick barks: “A word of caution my senile friend! A snap of my fingers and you could be back on the block where I found you!”
Laughing hysterically, Athos – Kevin (inches the blade closer to Mick’s chin) threatens: ” And with the flick of my wrist, I can make you disappear…Permanently!”
Cardinal Richelieu – Mick counseling the newly appointed Coach Phil (Lucky Phil!) Walsh trying to discourage his energetic Crows with this piece of advice: “I trust, Coach Walsh, that you are doing everything in your power to rid of these Demons. Don’t let having only one eye impair your vision. The loss of the other could be most…(places his long left arm around Phil’s shoulder displaying a rare sense of compassion.)…Inconvenient.
Lucky Phil peels away Count Richelieu’s arm in disgust, slowly grins: “I’m sure you’re very nice, but you’d be nicer if you went away.”
Cardinal Richelieu – Mick rudely walks in front of John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire as he is prepping up his troops for this sordid battle in their majestic territory: “Tell me Jonathan if you will? What noble business brings you here?”
John gritting his teeth, shot back: “I came here to battle against the likes of you!”
“Bad timing.” Shrugged the Cardinal – Mick.
“So I’ve heard.” Sighed John, clearly disillusioned.
Cardinal Richelieu – Mick sipping from his gem encrusted 24 carat gold goblet quizzes Brad (Beam Me Down Scotty) Scott while dueling with Ken (Kinky) Hinkley: “Why don’t you use your right hand, Bradley?”
“ I save my right hand for drinking!” Yelled Brad.
Cardinal Richelieu – Mick wasted no time in ridiculing poor Justin (Lipstick) Leppitsch who was clearly injured during his training with his toothless Lions: “Justin, when did a wound ever come between you and a fight?”
Justin (lying on his stomach groaning) could only manage this response: “Well, unfortunately the position of this one comes between me and the football.
“My Dear fellow.” Athos – Kevin consoled Alistair (Angry Little Man) Clarkson as he innocently sipped distilled water from the well. Athos – Kevin continued: “When will you learn about football? By now Richelieu – Mick, without question, knows even the colour of your underpants.”
Alan (Go West!) Simpson could not resist with the following insult to the disgraced Cardinal Richelieu with this bold statement: “Sir! I have heard some troubling rumors about you.”
Cardinal – Mick frowning, the Cardinal beady eyes burning with anger quizzed: Go on.”
Alan already retreating for a hasty escape continued: “Betrayal.”
Cardinal – Mick rubbing his pointy chin confirmed: “Ah Yes! That is usually the first. Let me see if I remember correctly, leaving one vile troop and entering another, why should loyalty be on my side, I do not care for others but myself.
The three Musketeers Athos – Kevin, Porthos – Guy, Aramis – Brenton and have of course D’Aratagnan – Mark finally captured the evil Cardinal Richelieu – Mick.
The corruptive and villainous Cardinal – Mick locked the defenseless Chris (Beam Me Where Scotty?) Scott in the stocks pelting rotten vegetables at him.
Immediately the Musketeers quickly surrounded the evil Cardinal – Mick – D’Aratagnan – Mark managed to break free the padlock and release Chris from the stocks.
With their quick actions, skillfully they entrapped the Cardinal – Mick, Athos – Kevin kicked then punched the Cardinal, grabbing his head in a tight head lock, shoving it in the stocks, tightly locking him in hurling cow manure back at him.
In unison the Musketeers roared out loud with victory for all of Docklands to hear:
“All for one and one for all, united we stand divided we fall.”
Here is some swashbuckling fun.
Lovingly sent to us by our Italian Correspondents, DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipsters BYRD, MANSKI & UNCLE EV
Slumped on the bar stools at the local diner in Errol Street North Melbourne – The Court House Hotel to mull over their horrific losses last weekend, Chris Scott (Cosmos Kramer) and his other DNA Brad Scott (George Costanza) were dumbfounded by the disgraceful results of their teams.
Indisputably, the almighty AFL ladder as it stands to date has the twin Coaches’ teams positioning at number 10 – slightly low and the other team at number 18 – As far down below as you can possibly go.
Determine to rebuild their clubs to a more honorable and respectable footy team for their clubs and most importantly to their members; Brad (George Costanza) as well as Chris (Cosmos Kramer) held urgent crisis talks with one another.
Saving themselves from further humiliation, worse still degradation, Brad (George) and Chris (Kramer) analyzed what is in store for round 2, viewing the other Coaches’ strategy and game plans in order to salvage a potential twin dismissal.
“I’ll grab another couple jugs of the local brew – 2 Brothers Beer, Pretzels and some Nachos.” Said Kramer (Chris) you can start evaluating and figure out what the other morons are up to with their Coaching skills.”
Chris (Kramer) returns back from the bar with a terra-cotta bowl full of assorted chilies.
“What’s with all the chilies Mate?” Whined George (Brad} looking on in horror.
“Endorphins Dear brother.” – Winked Kramer (Chris) “On the house! We’re famous!”
“Yeah! Not for much longer!” – George (Brad) cautioned.
Guzzling his jug of beer Kramer (Chris) laughed quizzing the following – “So what do you think about this one? You reckon Mick (Unwise One) Malthouse will lay siege into these boys?” stuffing a mouthful of Habanero chilies down his gob.
“Nah! – Confirmed George (Brad) carefully picking one Jalapeno chili from the terra-cotta bowl. “That old fossil is blaming Carlton’s failure to win any games on the Greek financial crisis. It has to be some body else’s fault.”
“Yeah but Malthouse is a reasonable man, he’s insane!” – Affirmed Kramer (Chris) adding, “Without rules, there’s chaos!”
Anxiously George (Brad) confessed – “I’m afraid of these Clowns. Suppose they start winning more games? Then what?”
“Damien (Hardly) Hardwick and his Stooges got lucky, really lucky. That was a supernatural event, never ever to be repeated again. Munching on his beloved Pretzels Kramer (Chris) roared out loud – “Yo diggity dog! Sweet justice!”
“Once those gorillas accept you, you’ve got it made in the shade.” George (Brad) shudders in disgust at the mere thought of GWS (God! What Slobs) winning another match.
“Literally, what’s that supposed to mean? No more talking, starting now!” Kramer (Chris) is now on his second jug of beer. “Here! Open up.” Kramer (Chris) forcefully shoves a couple of Naga Viper chilies into George’s (Brad) mouth.
“These Pretzels are making me thirsty! Mate! Any more of that local brew left in your jug?” Appealed Kramer (Chris) apologetically.
George (Brad) still recovering from the intensity of that Naga Viper chili attack from his genetic code of a brother, George’s (Brad) blood shot, swollen eyes and scorched throat croaked – “HEEEEEEEEEEEY! Get your own bloody beer.” George (Brad) sculling his jug of beer like there was no tomorrow. Eventually composing himself, George (Brad) kicked Kramer (Chris) with all his might, almost dislocating his right knee.
“So what’s do you think of Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley’s leadership skills?” – Challenged George (Brad)
Kramer (Chris) rubbing his bulgy sore knee screeched – “He gives me the stink eye! I’ll give him the crook eye!”
Gold Coast Bums
“Alan (You Can Call Me Al) Richardson would love to see his Saints turn this game around. What do you reckon?” Asked George (Brad) drinking his third jug of beer, bravely eating a Bird’s eye chili trusting those endorphins to exercise some brainwork.
“Wrong Mujumbo! Al is an understudy. He’s a shifty bloke. The substitute Coach in the AFL football world.” – Kramer (Chris) argued hotly.
“I hate John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire and his pathetic Swans!” – Grumbled George (Brad).
“I am a man amongst these boys. I’m dangerous! Yo! Mama Foo!” – Yelled Kramer (Chris) with his fist in the air.
“Yada Yada Yada.” George (Brad) yawned.
The twins draw attention from a disgruntled patron who is held back by his mates, ready to fist them both in the face.
“I know myself, when I’m out there, and it starts to go down, I’m not gonna back down ‘til it’s over!” Pleaded Kramer (Chris) to a very troubled George (Brad) who could only look on sympathetically.
Kramer (Chris) raising his third jug of beer, drunkenly declares – “Well, there was an incident.”
George (Brad) was really peeved by Kramer’s (Chris) lack of observation. “Hang on Mate, the game hasn’t been played yet.” Slapping his brother over the head.
“What your Kangaroos need is a little shot of Moi?” Reminded Kramer (Chris).
Spitting out his beer in shock, George (Brad) snorted with derision the following –
“Then, my boys will need a little shot of Penicillin!” grunted George (Brad).
Laughing hysterically as he watched his twin brother – Chris storms out in a fit of rage out of The Court House Hotel, kicking a chair in his wrath of passage, as heads out towards the entrance door.
Caroline (Caro) Wilson – “Lucy Riccardo” and her life long best friend from her University days stretching back to 1979 when they were both studying Journalism at RMIT, Corrie (Coro) Perkin – “Ethel Mae Mertz” discover that they have a new next-door neighbour who has just moved in.
It’s none other than the rich and famous Carlton board member Jeanie (Gene Genie) Pratt – “Tallulah Bankhead”, a prolific charitable astute businesswoman, renown for her artful if not crafty business dealings as well as having a razor sharp tongue rendering people speechless or worse in tears.
Upstairs in the bedroom, Lucy is preoccupied spying through the bedroom window with a pair of binocular lens. Her husband channel seven news journalist Brendan (The Hubby) Donohoe – “Ricky Riccardo” was wondering as to what she was actually doing.
Calling out to Lucy, Ricky hollers: “Lucy are you spying out of the window where the new neighbours have moved in?”
Lucy: “Certainly not!”
Ricky: Lucy? Are you sure you’re not spying out of the window on the new neighbours?”
Lucy: “No I’m Not!”
Ricky: “Well come on down!”
Lucy: “Oh alright for heaven’s sake!”
Lucy comes down the stairs with a pair of binoculars around her neck.
Ricky questioning Lucy: “What were you doing then? Going to the races?”
Ricky shows Lucy the binoculars she apparently forgot, was still around her neck.
Lucy stammers unconvincingly: “I…I…I was bird watching.”
Ethel comes charging through the front door. Lucy and Ethel continue to look through the living room window with their binoculars criticizing the new neigbours’ car parked opposite the driveway.
Fail to hear the doorbell, Lucy’s husband Ricky goes to answer the front door.
Puffing on a cigarette, Tallulah Bankhead walks on through overhearing Lucille and Ethel scorching with distaste and disapproval about the new neighbour’s car, her furniture and calling her a cheap lady junk dealer who’s pretending to be filthy rich.
After a misunderstanding between Tallulah, Lucy and Ethel profusely apologize to Ms. Bankhead.
Lucy tries to make amends by inviting Tallulah over for dinner the following evening.
Suddenly, Lucy – Caroline realizes this means she has a chance at getting Tallulah Bankhead Jenie – to appear at the local PTA – Players Trainers Association benefit dinner.
No expenses spared, a sumptuous feast, silver service, to impress Tallulah even further, Lucy cons Ethel and her wayward business colleague Cameron (Camo) Stewart – “Fred Mertz” into posing as her hired help – the Maid and the Butler for the evening.
Dressed in a traditional maid’s uniform, serving the main course, roast chicken Ethel was star struck at just seeing let alone serving Tallulah Bankhead. Not sure what do with the silver tray of food, Ethel was undecided where to place the tray of food to the right or to the left of Ms. Bankhead. Suddenly Ethel placed the tray over Tallulah’s head directly in front, startling her.
Lucy was mortified as Tallulah hand picked her roast chicken with her bare hands as the silver tray was too wide in length to use the accompanied cutlery to pick up the chicken pieces.
With Ethel’s strong journalistic and sporting background, she wanted Ms. Bankhead’s opinion about the up coming match between Geelong and the Shitwoods playing at the MCG.
Rolling her eyes, Lucy cut Ethel short: “Ethel Mae will you please stop boring Ms. Bankhead.”
Tallulah slowly looking at Lucy, snapped: “When Ms. Bankhead is bored, Ms. Bankhead will let you know.”
GWS (Yup! Still Slobs)
Fred – the butler walks out of the kitchen with bread rolls, trembling at the sight of Ms. Bankhead, bumping into the maid – Ethel, the butler drops all the bread rolls on to the floor.
Picking up the bread rolls, blowing the dirt, wiping the bread rolls on his jacket. Fred places the bread rolls back in the breadbasket, offering it to the guests, beginning with Tallulah.
Unequivocally, Tallulah stating the obvious: “Noooooo!!”
“They’re not very dirty”. GWS players are dirtier than these bread rolls.” Grumbled Fred.
Lucy rudely motioned the butler – Fred to leave immediately sending him back into the kitchen.
Ricky: “Ms. Bankhead…I mean…Tallulah, we would like to show you around town, we have some beautiful little shops.
Tallulah: “Thank you darling. I am looking for a shop, what do you call it? Oh yes!
A hardware store. I need a paint spray so I can spray my kitchen chairs. I thought it would be rather fun if I can do them myself.”
Lucy: “ We have a beautiful hardware store, Bunning’s situated in 230 Burwood Road, Hawthorn, just down the road.”
Ricky: No! Use our paint spray; don’t be silly in getting one. Use ours, it’s no trouble.”
Lucy: “Honestly what could happen?”
Ethel: “Mashed potatoes Ms. Bankhead?”
Tallulah: “No thank you darling. Unfortunately I’m on a very strict diet.”
Ethel gradually walks away from the table, Tallulah grabs Ethel Mae’s forearm, stopping her in her track. Adding: “But! Life is short! We only pass this way once, why not live a little?”
Ethel places the plate of mashed potatoes on the table and applauds Ms. Bankhead at her impassioned speech.
Ethel: “You just sounded just like Luke “No Longer Fluked!” Bevridge, with his beloved Bulldogs, before a game is played, Luke assures his Doggies that he believes and trusts their capabilities every time they’re on the field.”
Lucy was unimpressed if not envious of the attention Ethel was receiving, once again, Lucy interrupts the maid, humiliating her: “Ethel Mae will you please pass over the mash potatoes, we would like to get on with our dinner.”
Ethel Mae slams the plate of mashed potatoes hard on the table in front of Lucy, humiliating her in return.
Lucy: “You just have to forgive Fred and Ethel. As a child my family lived in Richmond, Ethel and Fred were in our family for quite a long time. It’s what you call family retainers. I feel sorry for them; they’re so old. As a matter of fact when I was a little girl, Ethel Mae was my nanny.”
Ricky nervously looks on, loosening his tie, wiping the sweat from his brow with his napkin, scanning the kitchen door, fearing that a tornado by the name of Ethel and Fred was about to burst through. In the kitchen Fred and Ethel heard everything. Lucy presses the buzzer for assistance.
Ethel grunted: “You rang ma’am?”
Lucy: Ethel Mae you seem to have forgotten the gravy for the mashed potatoes.”
Ethel: “Well I’m sorry ma’am but you know how forgetful us old nanny’s are?”
Lucy twisting her nose, emphasizing every vowel with the following: “That will be all Ethel Mae!”
Ethel: “You bet your sweet life it will be!” Storming back into the kitchen.
Ethel only just touched the sliding door, unexpectedly the butler – Fred was directly behind the kitchen door, wearing the “plat de resistance” – the strawberry pie.
“Oh! My beautiful strawberry pie!” Lucy cried.
Ethel screaming to Fred: “Why do you have to be so clumsy.”
“I’m not the one that’s shooting through the field like the bloody Dockers.” Yelled Fred.
In an instant, the dinner gathering abruptly ended.
West Coast Eagles
The next morning, Tallulah’s new hired butler – Menzies from the West Coast stopped by at the Riccardo’s home to borrow their paint spray.
“My name is Menzies, the new butler. Ms. Bankhead said that you have a paint spray we may borrow.”
Menzies took the paint spray and gave it a test run, discovering the nozzle was blocked, uncontrollably spraying Ms. Bankhead’s red Ferrari parked in the garage in white squiggly lines and poker dots.
Hearing the butler – Menzies wailing uncontrollably in despair, Lucy and Ricky rushed over to see if anything was the matter.
“Tallulah’s car would be a perfect mascot for the Swans, stop your complaining, I thought it was much worse.” Lucy sighed with relief. The butler shot daggers at Lucy, knowing this will certainly have him fired.
Ricky: “Lucy did you clean the paint spray, after all you were the last one who used it.”
Lucy: “Give it to me, honestly you two are so hopeless. This model is from Fremantle; apparently it’s fool proof, no hassles, and a winner all the time. Let me see now.”
Removing a hair clip from her hair, toying with the nozzle, trying to unblock it.
“Now that ought to work, now let’s give it a try.” Lucy Confirmed.
Facing the garage door, Lucy accidentally sprayed Ms. Tallulah Bankhead with white paint all over her face, not realizing she was already standing by the entrance of the garage door.
Knowing Tallulah, a neighbourly cup of coffee should put things right.