Monthly Archives: May 2015

Is Carlscum Captain Marc Murphy really Bill E Elliot?

Is Carlscum Captain Marc Murphy really Bill E Elliot? Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV have a theory on the subject…


Marc (Junior) Murphy – Billy Elliot has a huge personal dilemma. The Carlton football club has been led to believe for quite some time that he is a professional football player within his club, as their Captain. Truth has it all along, Billy – Marc always has had a love of dancing and hopes of becoming a professional ballet dancer with The Australian Ballet Company.
What stupefies Mick (The Unwise One) Malthouse and the entire club is Marc – Billy’s disastrous performance since the beginning of his Captaincy. Displaying no leadership skills whatsoever, nonetheless causing a cataclysmic fall not only with the other players, the coaching staff as well, resulting in a ruinous effect with the dispirited league.
Instead of training in between scheduled matches, Marc – Billy seizes every given opportunity to lock himself inside the gymnasium hall at VISY headquarters after hours to practice his ballet.
Late one evening Marc – Billy sneaks inside the gymnasium at VISY headquarters, puts on his navy ballet shoes, stands in front of a long mirror, holds his position upright, proceeds to perform his lunges to the tune of “Swan Lake” playing out loud on his iPhone.
Exposed by the senior board member Jeanne (Gene Genie) Pratt an ex ballet instructor, she believes that Marc – Billy is a truly gifted and talented dancer.
She eventually convinces Marc – Billy to train and study hard for a probable future submission to The Australian Ballet Company.


Regretting the recruitment of her new pupil with his so-called prodigy, Jeanne Pratt clearly frustrated by Marc’s lack of enthusiasm fumed: “Find a place on that bloody wall and focus on the spot! Then whip your head ’round and come back to that spot! Prepare! Concentrate!”
Adding, “It is any wonder why your boys keep losing every week? Highly likely this week as well.” Jeanne scoffed.
“Bugga Off!” Snapped Marc.
“Please yourself, darlin’.” Laughed Jeanne Pratt.

West Coast Eagles

Confessing to Jeanne Pratt as she is reapplying lipstick, Marc was quite impassioned: “Whenever I dance, I feel as though I’m totally free. Free of all the pressure, the negativity. I’ve got this fire in my body, once I get going, I forget everything, and everything sorta disappears. I’m just there, flyin’ like an Eagle.”
“Damn shame Dear, you don’t have that same appetite, the drive, the will, yearning to succeed to play and win with your Blue boys. Your secret is safe with me.”
Jeanne Pratt is renown for her crafty if not shrewd business affairs with the board, discreetly switches of her voice mail application on her mobile phone.


“So. Do we get the pleasure of your company next week?” Jeanne Pratt sipping on her fourth glass of vintage Dom Perignon.
Marc stuffing his navy ballet shoes inside his sports bag shrugged: “It’s just, I feel like a right sissy.”
“Well, don’t act like one! Stop sulking over that photograph you’re holding of Eddie (Snugs) Betts. He has that natural ability to glide effortlessly; you could still learn a thing or two about his footwork and his proficiency”.
“$300.00 please. And if you’re not coming again, hand over your shoes.” Grumbled Jeanne Pratt.


Back at home, Marc bluffs to his girlfriend, Jessie (Jessie’s Girl) Habermann that he has just finished his stint with training at VISY headquarters, dumping his footy boots onto the veranda. Marc’s girlfriend panic stricken, failing to cover the mouth piece of the home phone with her hand calls out: “That old bat Mrs. Pratt is on the phone, wishing to speak with you.”
“Young man, what have I told you about your arm. You need to flex it. On any occasion you see that ghastly face of your girlfriend….
“I do beg your pardon, I mean Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley on the television, sweetie pick up your boxing gloves and punch the nearest thing that is next to you.” Advised Jeanne Pratt.


Storming inside the Coach’s office at VISY headquarters, Mark (Mambo Italiano) Loguidice, gasping for air, frantically asked Mick (The Unwise One) Malthouse while he was viewing reruns of Shitney’s game plan inside his office, challenged: “Listen! Have you noticed anything weird about Marc lately?”
“What are you after? Like a list?” Seethed Mick. Unimpressed with Mark rudely barging in unannounced, in combination with Marc’s inconsequential contribution to the club and the game so far. Mick was at the end of his tether.
“Shut up! Barked Mick.
“I didn’t say anyth___,” Logidice professed.
“You were thinking. It’s annoying.” Mick verified.


“Typical the way Marc has been playing footy. He prances around on the field like a ballerina.” Matthew (Pavlova) Pavlich snickered to Ross (Rampaging) Lyon while reading the Fremantle Herald lengthy article on Carlton’s deplorable season.
“Nobody should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Established Ross.
“Isn’t it Albert Einstein Coach?” Quizzed Pavlich.
“Look, I know my facts! It’s like chemistry, it’s a subject you take at high school or university, where you figure out two plus two is 10 or something.” Ross authorized.
Pavlich confused, began counting his fingers on his hands just to be sure.

“At least the heat is off us for the time being as luck would have it, Malthouse is hitting the headlines on a daily basis. Jimbo (The Fugitive) Hirdy admitted to his Bombers. Hirdy was on a roll, continues philosophically: “Don’t say I don’t get along with my team mates. I just don’t get along with some of the guys on the team”.
“By the way what’s with Murphy? He’s been playing footy as if he’s in River Dance or something.” Jimbo belittled, leaving the change rooms at Etihad stadium.

Western Bulldogs

Thrusting an accusing finger to his Doggies, Luke (Duped) Beveridge threatened: “We need to win this game to stay in the top eight. I don’t want you boys doing the jitterbug in front of our supporters at the MCG on Sunday afternoon. You got that!”

Port Adelaide

Ken (Kinky) Hinkley annoyed with his boys dancing around Adelaide Oval instead of walking during their early morning training session. Hinkley yells: “Is that absolutely necessary? Walk normal!…Geeez.”

Jeanne Pratt discreetly contacted Mark to meet with her urgently at VISY headquarters.
“This will sound strange Mark, but for some time now I’ve been thinking about the Australian Ballet School.
“Aren’t you a bit old Mrs. Pratt?” Marc was baffled.
“No, not me!…You! I’m the bloody teacher!” Huffed Jeanne Pratt. Clearly offended.

Jeanne Pratt pours herself a huge glass of Dom Perignon Rose’ – 2002, switches on her computer, carefully selects an oldie but a Goldie of a tune, as they both awkwardly dance around VISY gymnasium hall, trusting that their undisclosed tuition has finally paid off.


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Alan Ezard

Bombers Champ and two time Premiership player (Back to Back) Alan Ezard was delighted to share a beer with DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipsters GRAZY, BARNSEY, MOOSEBOY, STEAMROLLER,GO PORT and COL at the footy last week. Ezard was a bit awe struck by the company he was in but a great night was had by all.



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Who is that on the train?

Who would have thought Jim E Hird would catch the train to the footy?

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Bloody hell he looked like him!

Greetings to the other celebreties in the pic, DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP TIPSTERS, Barnsey and Col.


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Merlin…Giro Numero Sette…(Round 7)…

Our italian Correspondents Byrd, Contesa Manski and Uncle Ev have called upon the Wizard Merlin to sort out our AFL Problems in Round 7. My question is…When will Mick Notmyfaulthouse fall on his Excalibur?


Merlin – Ayce (What’s Up Doc?) Cordy is a gifted warlock since birth arrives in the kingdom of Dockland’s to stay with the court physician Gaius – Mike (Fitzy) Fitzpatrick an accomplished Rhodes scholar.
Merlin discovers that King Uther – Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan has outlawed the use of magic therefore imprisoning the last great Dragon – Kevin (Who’s Sorry Now?) Sheedy beneath the grounds of the castle.
After nearly three years of peace and harmony, the future of Dockland’s couldn’t appear brighter. Gaius – Fitzy and his faithful servant Merlin – Ayce, who has put his Medical degree on hold, propose to bring the kingdom of Dockland’s into a new phase – The Golden Age.
Meanwhile, the seeds of Dockland’s destruction are being sown as the evil sorceress Morgana – Caroline (Caro) Wilson returns plotting the land of Dockland’s downfall.
When an old familiar face returns to the Docklands – Andrew (Gaddafi) Demetriou and gains position amongst King Uther’s inner circle, Merlin and Gaius must be on their guard more than ever.
Both Gaius and Merlin find that their destinies are approaching.

In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great football kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy; his name is…Merlin.

North Melbourne

Under the watchful eye of his Mentor Gaius, Merlin is doing his rounds at the shire of Etihad, making sure that everything is within the requirements of the Kingdom. Approaching one of the Knights – Sir Andrew (Shallow) Swallow during training, thrusting an accusing finger, Andrew wasted no time insulting Merlin before he could even utter a syllable.
Andrew: “I warned you Merlin, I’ve been trained to deal with the likes of you since birth.”
Merlin: “Wow! And how long have you been training to be a prat?”
Andrew quite miffed: “You can’t address me like that!”
Merlin: “Sorry. How long have you trained to be a prat, my lord?
Merlin flashing his yellow hawk-like eyes hexing: “Erano!” Andrew was sent flying into the air landing face down in to the muddy moat.


“That buffoon is so full of himself!” Whined Morgana Caroline (Caro) “First year as an educator; he seems to think he has conquered all of the Southern central part of the district!
“Where is that useless reptile? That lizard needs to apprehend Phillip (Lucky Phil!) Walsh before his troops conquers all.”
Echoing from underneath the castle grounds, the great Dragon – Sheedy flicked his tongue, growled like thunder: “You Morgana are a wretch! The old prophecies speak of an evil alliance between that scoundrel Demetriou and yourself, together you want to bring great evil into Dockland’s. This alliance must be stopped. Whatever the cost!”
The great Dragon angrily flapping his wings hovered above Morgana, spat out a ball of fire, charring her purple cloak.

Disgruntled about the Hawks dominance in their battle, Merlin was at a loss with the sluggish Demons, he approaches Gaius for some wise council.
Merlin: “How can it be my destiny to protect a delegation of men, who have no courage?”
Gaius playing around with his potions simply answered: “The half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole. Very soon, you Merlin shall learn that.”
“Oh, great. Just what I needed. Another riddle. What is that supposed to mean?” Merlin was irritably confused.
Gaius sipping his concoction grinned” “You know young warlock, this is not the end. It is the beginning.”
“Just give me a straight answer!” Yelled Merlin, by this stage Gaius vanished into thin air.

GWS (God! What Slobs)

King Uther – Gillon urgently summons Gaius including Merlin in his private chambers.
Mick (The Unwise One) Malthouse wants to place them both in stocks in the central courtyard of the palace, blaming them for the curse and humiliation of his dysfunctional assemblage.
Mick screaming, his face turns from red to crimson: “I believed you. I trusted you and you and Gaius made me look like a complete fool”.
“I know, it didn’t go exactly to plan.” Merlin confessed.
“Didn’t go to plan? Mick wailed. “The entire Royal Court thinks I’m a coward. You both humiliated me! I no longer require your services.”
“You’re sacking the both of us? You can still trust us.” Gaius was stunned, Merlin was too shock to speak.
“And look where it got me this time. Get out of my sight!” Mick roared, storming out of the castle.


Morgana in accompany with the gutless swine Demetriou caught Merlin off guard as he walked along the passage of the Swans training fort.
“Merlin, I want you to know your secret’s safe with me.” Flashing her decayed teeth.
Merlin confused: My secret?”
Demetiou, leaning even closer towards Merlin belittled: “Come on. Don’t pretend. We know what you did.”
“You do?” Merlin nervously replied, not sure where this was heading.
“We saw it with our own eyes.” Sniggered Demetriou as he continued: “We understand why you don’t want anyone to know. We won’t tell anyone. You don’t mind talking to us about it?” Morgana was about to cast her evil spell on Merlin for a forced confession. Standing behind Morgana and Demetriou, quick thinking Gaius banged both their heads together, knocking them out cold.

West Coast

King Uther was deeply troubled. Merlin finally locates Alan (You Can Call Me Al) Simpson, he has missed yet another training session. Eventually Merlin finds Al, intoxicated he has spent the entire afternoon drinking mulled wine with his Eagles.
“This is becoming a daily occurrence with you. Could someone please tell me what happened?” King Uther demanded.
Merlin stutters: “Wwwell…”
“Somebody with a brain?” King Uther’s patience had diminished, he was visibly angry.
“Have you some kind of mental affliction?” King Uther tossing his crown on to the floor, glaring at Simpson. “You are costing this Kingdom quite a lot of money!” He snarled gritting his teeth.
Gaius trying to restore calm: “I’m looking in to it, sire.”
“Well, see that you do! Or I will personally pelt you Gaius, Merlin, Simpson and your chickens with rotten fruit in the town Centre.

“Excuse me Sir Lyon, where do you get the idea that you can sit around all day doing nothing?’ Merlin fumed.
Sitting at the top of my ranking dear boy, I don’t need to do anything.” Ross (Rampaging) Lyon sniggered.
“Oh really?” Merlin scoffed. “Try some of this!”
Merlin flashed his yellow hawk-like eyes turning Ross into a rat.


“Is there anyway we can somehow remove these vagabonds from these battlements, perhaps to a forgotten kingdom?” King Uther appealed to Gaius and his apprentice Merlin.
“Well there’s a special clay conjured by powerful magic”. Gaius admitted.
The type that can only be invoked by an ancient sorcerer, one who has the power to mirror life. (Gaius quickly winking at Merlin.)
“I found this at the water source.” Added Gaius.
(Showing the unusual amulet King.)
“No!” King Uther gasped.
Gaius: “We must be vigilant, Sire”.
“Will I never be rid of Morgana and that fiend Demetriou?” King Uther was desperate.
“I see what we can do Sire; restoration of harmony and truth will be fully recovered back in to this kingdom.

Port Adelaide

“Gaius, I have received reports that a beast and a female troll has been sighted roaming the forest near the northern borders.” Merlin Panicked.
“What’s the nature of these beasts?” Quizzed Gaius, King Uther shaking with fear.
“Well, it is said to have a body of a monster, the face of a villain, and that familiar recognizable voices of a tyrant and an ill advisor with a serpent’s tongue who wails like a banshee”. Merlin authenticated.
“I believe it has been conjured by sorcery, then we must destroy it.” King Uther affirmed.
“Release the great Dragon from underneath the castle, this instance!”

Merlin disguised as an 80 year old old man – Emyrs, commands the great Dragon to viciously swoop down, the great Dragon spews out a gigantic ball of fire toasting the top of Demetriou’s scalp blistering his beaky nose, scorching Morgana’s hands as well.
Declaring: “How small are you both for a great destiny. There is no right or wrong, only what is and what isn’t.”
“Like all the young troops and the knights within this kingdom of the Dockland’s, one must live and learn by their mistakes. Where there seems to be an end, there is always a new beginning.”

Conclusively, the great Dragon – Sheedy, plucks the two beasts (Caroline and Demetriou) with his giant claws, banishing them both inside the labyrinth hidden underneath the grounds of the castle for all eternity.

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This is awkward…


Lovingly sent to us by DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster Karen Clarke of team KAREN CLARKE

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Carlton’s Sub – Mick Notmyfaulthouse


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Still undefeated in New Zealand


Lovingly sent to us by DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster and Carlscum supporter, Steve WIlls of team POSSUM BOY.

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