Monthly Archives: June 2015

On The Town…Giro Numero Dodici…(Round 12)…

A nostalgic view of Round 12 from our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV…


Second week of the bye round, three AFL senior coaches – Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley -John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire, and last but not the very least – Jimbo (The Fugitive) Hird take full advantage of the bye, venturing abroad to escape the bitterly cold winter weather in Melbourne.
Painfully putting their egos, hatred and their fists aside, all three coaches’ – John Longmire–Nathan Buckley and Jimbo Hird commence their vacation, together embarking on a direct flight heading towards the city that never sleeps – New York.
Arriving at The Big Apple, the fellas take full advantage of their 24-hour day and night free pass that includes all you can see, eat, drink and spend with the golden ticket that was meant for Essendon CEO – Paul (Mini Me) Little and his own family to enjoy, compliments from Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan and the AFL for his loyalty to the chief.
Jimbo is hell bent in getting back at Little, after the revelation of Paul’s texts messages dating back to August 2013 forcing Jimbo to accept his 12-month coaching ban or else scenario splashed all over the national newspapers over the weekend.
To add more salt into his Jimbo’s massive wound, the text message that was sent to Jimbo’s by Little’s mobile phone, actually took place at the then AFL deputy – Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan house.
Arriving at New York Harbor to soak in all the famous sights in the balmy summer conditions, the coaches’ were already happily singing to one another, absorbing the scenery.
Accidentally bumping into one of the construction workers from the harbor as they headed in to town, angrily the construction worker yells out to all three coaches: “Hey! Why don’t you schmucks look where you’re going? You’d think it was your first time in New York!”


“Do you know who I am?” Yelled Jimbo to the worker as he abruptly passed Hirdy without an apology.
“Oi! Jimbo calm down Mate! We’ve only got 24 hours. Do you want the FBI to take notice of you here as well?” Seethed Longmire.
“Stop being Alistair. (Clarkson – Angry Little Man) Pull yourself together, otherwise you will have us all arrested you narcissistic twat!” Buckley fumed.

West Coast Eagles

Nathan and Jimbo were fiercely arguing, by this stage they were both lunging at each other’s throats. Consulting his guidebook with reverence and excitement, John Longmire wasted no time in deciding to visit the Empire State Building.
Insisting to Nathan and Jimbo: “We got one day here and not a minute to waste to see all the famous sights. Let’s fly like Eagles and see the sights, lights, and night. Come on!”


Stopping at Ferrara Café’ at the infamous “Little Italy” in Mulberry Street – New York, the boys wasted no time in eating, drinking, eating and drinking some more using Paul Little’s senior executive members platinum credit card.
“That’s stealing isn’t it?” Bucks was visibly nervous. “What if we all get caught?” Longmire panicked.
“Relax fellas. I’m spreading a little bit of happiness via that midget’s generosity.
Little threatened to cut me loose, I had no choice but to concede under his threats, duress and inducements and that is exactly what I’m doing, taking flight in the passage of freedom.” Hirdy sniggered.

GWS (God! What Slobs…again!)

Jimbo starts chanting unashamedly out loud, satisfied how things have been progressing so far.
“New York, New York, a helluva town.
“The Bronx is up, GWS is tumbling down.
“GWS footy ride is now a hole in their ground.”

“Bloody Hell! Hirdy’s has completely lost the plot.” Buckley cautiously whispered to Longmire.
“So long as he’s spending all of Paul’s money it’s still incredibly funny.” Grinned Longmire as they were now heading towards Manhattan.

Western Bulldogs

Arriving at Greenwich Village on the west side of lower Manhattan, next stop was at “Off The Wagon Bar and Grill”, where the boys drank copious amount of cheap beer on tap.
Time was now ticking furiously against them; the hardest part was dragging a very drunk Longmire away from the Ping Pong tables where he was participating in the beer pong championship with the locals.
Buckley was furious with Longmire. Shoving Johnny out into the streets, Buckley screamed:
“If you want a cheap night out, just head out to Footscray at the local Tabaret you idiot!”
Longmire just stared blankly at Buckley for a few seconds, then vomited on Bucks’ very expensive leather shoes.


After wreaking havoc in the streets of New York, the trio head back to New York Harbor, heading back home to Melbourne.
Miraculously still in talking terms, waving the Big City a final farewell all three started singing and dancing:

“New York, New York, a visitor’s place.
“Where no one lives on account of the pace.
“We’ve just wiped Paul Little’s bank account without a trace.
“New York, New York, an unforgettable place.”


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What the AFL Needs is the Archbishop Desmond Tutu…Giro Numero Undici…(Round 11)…

What does the AFL need? Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV have the answer…

Denmark, Copenhagen; 13 December 2009..Press conference following the Ecumenical Celebration for Creation Service at Copenhagen Cathedral with Archbishop Desmond Tutu, South Africa.

Denmark, Copenhagen; 13 December 2009..Press conference following the Ecumenical Celebration for Creation Service at Copenhagen Cathedral with Archbishop Desmond Tutu, South Africa.

Deeply troubled with the current state of affairs within the AFL organization, Archbishop of Cape Town and Nobel Peace Prize winner in 2007 – Desmond Tutu holds an unscheduled videoconference all the way from Cape Town – South Africa.
Streaming through his Skype account, finally connecting with the AFL head honcho Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan trusting to spread some of his goodwill and wisdom back into the sporting fraternity.
Archbishop Tutu makes an urgent plea during his symposium to Gillon, placing in the belief, confidence, faith, influence and most importantly reestablishing much needed harmony, unity and understanding to each and every individual regardless of their professional status in the AFL league.
The dial up function tone on Gillon’s Skype account that appeared on McMoron’s brand new gadget his Apple iwatch was unmistakable.
Eventually accessing his computer, the AFL chief had no choice but to accept Desmond Tutu’s call.
Gillon nervously clicks on the green handset to savor his own prestige and was greeted with the following:
“Good evening!” – a very excited Desmond Tutu announced, grinning from ear to ear.
“Err yes…um…Good evening to you…um…err…Archbishop Tutu. How may I assist you, your grace?” Sweat beads already trickling down from McMoron’s forehead.
“WHAT WE NEED!!!…IS…UNITY!!!” Squealed Archbishop Tutu gesticulating uncontrollably. Adding: “Do your little bit of good Villain, you as the CEO of the AFL, you have the power. Its those little bits of good put together that will overwhelm the AFL world.” Concluded Archbishop Tutu almost head butting the monitor on his computer down his end (Cape Town) from his impassioned speech.
“It’s Gillon Toto!….err…apologies…Archbishop Tutu.” Seethed McMoron.
“What do you suggest I do your grace?” McMoron shrugged dismissively, clearly miffed by the incorrect address of his first name.
“I say this over and over. I wish I could shut up, but I can’t and I won’t!”
“Now my dear friend let us journey through, because only I know what is coming next.” Declared Archbishop Tutu, his eyes almost popping out of his sockets.
Port Adelaide

“This is the first bye round this season Archbishop Tutu, so really it’s like half a person within the playing group and the teams.” McMoron whined trying to cut this meeting short. “So why should I start moralizing with all of them now?”
The Archbishop smile turned into a nasty frown stating disapprovingly to the chief: “If you are neutral in this kind of situations, you sir have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
“There is nothing more difficult than waking someone who is only pretending to be asleep.”
“Your guidance in this administration is hope. Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”


McMoron rolling his eyes, bit back: “So that’s your answer? Hope?”
“WHAT WE NEEEED!!!…………………”
(The Archbishop was bordering on hysteria, abruptly removing his pink silk cap throwing it on the floor, rubbing his grey hair, his crazy eyes widening) exclaimed: ”WHAT WE NEED IS UNDERSTANDING. NOT BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER, OR FATHER AGAINST FATHER. WE MUST BE TOGETHER AS ONE!!!”

West Coast

Recovering from the Archbishop’s sudden outburst, cautiously Gillon enquired about the impending match between the in form West Coast Eagles and the troubled Bombers, anticipating some leadership skills. Eventually composing himself, Desmond Tutu calmly revealed this principle: “Person is a person because he recognizes others as persons. Language is very powerful. Language does not just describe reality. Language creates the reality it describes.”


“Huh?” was the only word Gillon could manage to articulate. McMoron had the gumption to probe continuing to challenge the Archbishop with the following: “OK, if language is the power source of communication in recognition and in reality, then how do I convince an egotistical imbecile like John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire to start returning my calls and respond to my emails? Remember I’m the one in charge! Not him!” Gillon wailed.
Winking at Gillon, the Archbishop shot back: “I’m not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself a master. I want the full menu of rights.” Silently pleased that McMoron’s tyrannical fit of temper was revealed.

GWS (God! No Longer Slobs)

Gillon was just about to cross examine the Archbishop even further, thrusting an accusing finger directly at the screen towards McMoron, the Archbishop leaned forward, paused for a few seconds then whispered: “Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.”

St Kilda

“Thank you for your time, but I shall leave you with the following: “It is through weakness and vulnerability that most of us learn empathy and compassion and discover our soul.”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu set his Skype account offline, leaving Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan speechless and completely on his own.

Here is a taste of the videoconference that took place in Melbourne.
Punters you may need ear plugs.
You have been warned.

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Harry Potter rejoices at news of Voldemort’s retirement…



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Chris Judd calls time on a brilliant career

Chris Judd calls time on a brilliant career -Lovingly sent to us by DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP Tipstress BYRD

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The Long Weekend Footy Guide by HRH QUEEN ELIZABETH II at 10 DOWNING ST

Lovingly presented to us by our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV


Avoiding yet another mundane birthday celebration with the family and countless of her in-laws, this year her HRH – Queen Elizabeth 2 is determined to do something completely different.
Disregarding royal protocol, the Queen is adamant that she will celebrate her special day as she sees fit, away from her usual residence – The Buck House.
Instead the Queen will venture forth and head towards 10 Downing Street – City of Westminster – London for a surprise visit.
Masterfully good ol’ Lizzie carefully hatches her arrangement.
Traditionally, the Royal family, extended families, dignitaries all assemble at the Buck House inside the grand ballroom for the annual birthday festivities.
Queen Elizabeth slowly steps away from the huge gathering locates the huge mahogany door situated at the very far end of the grand ballroom. Covered with an ancient royal blue velvet tapestry, HRH discreetly moves the ancient tapestry to one side, quietly walks through the secret door and escapes.
Fleeing from the grand ballroom unaided, the Queen quickly puts on her signature headscarf, grabs her corgis, and quietly drives her Range Rover away from the Buck House undetected.
Upon her arrival at 10 Downing Street, in one of the rooms, the Queen sees Prime Minister – Tony (The Mad Monk) Abbott sending a birthday video message to the Queen on behalf of his fellow Australians via his Skype account.
On closer inspection, the Queen leaned closer to the computer monitor, to her annoyance
Prime Minister – Tony Abbott spotted the Queen, winks at her then smiled sleazily messaging the following:
“Happy Birthday uh… your Majesty… uh on behalf of all us.” Tony Abbott nervously stammered.
Queen Elizabeth rolling her eyes replied: “Yes! Yes! Thank you Prime Minister Rudd.”
“It’s uh…Abbott! Your Majesty.” Fumed The Mad Monk raising his voice an octave.
“Furthermore uh… your Majesty,” Slimed Abbott – “It’s the long weekend of Australian Rules football for all Australians. I need to put my footy tips in.”
“May I enquire to your profound and vast knowledge in the sporting world of the Commonwealth for some much needed advice?” Groveled Abbott.
Not waiting for the Queen’s next response, The Mad Monk – Abbott rudely began reading out his footy tips.

“My husband and I have learned the way a monkey learns is by watching its parents.” Affirmed the Queen after viewing a photograph of Damien (Hardly) Hardwick Abbott was holding.
“Besides I do like the colour purple, they will do…for now! Waving Abbott off as the Queen struggled to walk away from the computer.


“Your Majesty the team Adelaide is playing against is still without a senior Coach, and so I was think__.” Rapidly interjected by her Majesty, the Queen categorically stated the following to Abbott: “It’s always been easy to hate and destroy. To build courage and to cherish is much more difficult. Prime Minister you should learn from this. Hurry up who’s next?”
The Queen demanded frantically searching for another room to escape from Abbott.


“Their coach John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire has bloody attitude and so do all of his players.” Whined Abbott.
“Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant. No doubt this kind of attitude will pull this team over the line.” Smiled the Queen. “Are we finished yet?” Sighed the Queen fumbling inside her Black Hand bag.


“A few more your Majesty.” The Mad Monk confessed. “What do you make of this coach? “Seems like a nice bloke?” Holding a photo of Chris (Beam Me Back Up Scotty) Scott.
“Very well, if you say so Prime Minister Ru…I do beg your pardon Abbott. Any more?”
The Queen is now desperately looking for the off switch.

Port Adelaide

Showing the AFL ladder from his phone app, the Mad Monk was still grilling the Queen about the current ranking of the teams, hoping this will give HRH a better idea how the teams are progressing so far.
“I guess it’s all do with the training, you can do a lot if you are properly trained.” The Queen snapped, praying that some one will walk into the room.

GWS (God! No Longer Slobs)

“Have they been playing a long time?” Quizzed HRH. Nervously looking for her corgis, they have mysteriously disappeared. Where to?…

West Coast Eagles

“Come on darlings, where are you? I need to get away from this puppet!” The Queen was in panic mode searching for her precious pooches’.
“Are you calling the Eagles puppets your Majesty?” Abbott laughed creepily.


“A couple more I promise!” Begged Abbott. “Hawthorn do you think I should tip them?”
“Football is a complicated business, they are all prima donnas.” Is that it? Is our unscheduled chit chat over?” Snapped HRH.
Luckily the bar was not too far away from where she was standing. The Queen made herself a quadruple gin and tonic – no ice so she can numb her senses, having to deal with the Mad Monk, who could blame her?


Without asking HRH for an opinion, Abbott shuddered: “I instinctively try to protect people from filth.”
“From where I can obviously see, I wholeheartedly agree.”
“The protection is guaranteed when you are not around dear Prime Minister!” Barked Queen Elizabeth 2.

The Queen found her corgis; they were behind her as HRH was still trying to switch off that damn computer. Before Abbott could say anything in his own defense, one of the Queen’s corgis sniffed the cables that was connected to the computer and monitor. Lifting its hind leg the corgi urinated, short-circuiting the entire system, finally switching The Mad Monk – Abbott off once and for all.

Finally, Queen Elizabeth 2 and company celebrated her birthday in style.

Check it out.

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tigers 1

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Chris Judd – Farewell Champ.

judd 5

judd 1With future DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipster, Jonathon Willsjudd 6judd 4judd 2judd 3h

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