A nostalgic view of Round 12 from our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV…
Second week of the bye round, three AFL senior coaches – Nathan (Braggadocio) Buckley -John (Here’s Johnny!) Longmire, and last but not the very least – Jimbo (The Fugitive) Hird take full advantage of the bye, venturing abroad to escape the bitterly cold winter weather in Melbourne.
Painfully putting their egos, hatred and their fists aside, all three coaches’ – John Longmire–Nathan Buckley and Jimbo Hird commence their vacation, together embarking on a direct flight heading towards the city that never sleeps – New York.
Arriving at The Big Apple, the fellas take full advantage of their 24-hour day and night free pass that includes all you can see, eat, drink and spend with the golden ticket that was meant for Essendon CEO – Paul (Mini Me) Little and his own family to enjoy, compliments from Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan and the AFL for his loyalty to the chief.
Jimbo is hell bent in getting back at Little, after the revelation of Paul’s texts messages dating back to August 2013 forcing Jimbo to accept his 12-month coaching ban or else scenario splashed all over the national newspapers over the weekend.
To add more salt into his Jimbo’s massive wound, the text message that was sent to Jimbo’s by Little’s mobile phone, actually took place at the then AFL deputy – Gillon (McMoron) McLachlan house.
Arriving at New York Harbor to soak in all the famous sights in the balmy summer conditions, the coaches’ were already happily singing to one another, absorbing the scenery.
Accidentally bumping into one of the construction workers from the harbor as they headed in to town, angrily the construction worker yells out to all three coaches: “Hey! Why don’t you schmucks look where you’re going? You’d think it was your first time in New York!”
“Do you know who I am?” Yelled Jimbo to the worker as he abruptly passed Hirdy without an apology.
“Oi! Jimbo calm down Mate! We’ve only got 24 hours. Do you want the FBI to take notice of you here as well?” Seethed Longmire.
“Stop being Alistair. (Clarkson – Angry Little Man) Pull yourself together, otherwise you will have us all arrested you narcissistic twat!” Buckley fumed.
West Coast Eagles
Nathan and Jimbo were fiercely arguing, by this stage they were both lunging at each other’s throats. Consulting his guidebook with reverence and excitement, John Longmire wasted no time in deciding to visit the Empire State Building.
Insisting to Nathan and Jimbo: “We got one day here and not a minute to waste to see all the famous sights. Let’s fly like Eagles and see the sights, lights, and night. Come on!”
Stopping at Ferrara Café’ at the infamous “Little Italy” in Mulberry Street – New York, the boys wasted no time in eating, drinking, eating and drinking some more using Paul Little’s senior executive members platinum credit card.
“That’s stealing isn’t it?” Bucks was visibly nervous. “What if we all get caught?” Longmire panicked.
“Relax fellas. I’m spreading a little bit of happiness via that midget’s generosity.
Little threatened to cut me loose, I had no choice but to concede under his threats, duress and inducements and that is exactly what I’m doing, taking flight in the passage of freedom.” Hirdy sniggered.
GWS (God! What Slobs…again!)
Jimbo starts chanting unashamedly out loud, satisfied how things have been progressing so far.
“New York, New York, a helluva town.
“The Bronx is up, GWS is tumbling down.
“GWS footy ride is now a hole in their ground.”
“Bloody Hell! Hirdy’s has completely lost the plot.” Buckley cautiously whispered to Longmire.
“So long as he’s spending all of Paul’s money it’s still incredibly funny.” Grinned Longmire as they were now heading towards Manhattan.
Arriving at Greenwich Village on the west side of lower Manhattan, next stop was at “Off The Wagon Bar and Grill”, where the boys drank copious amount of cheap beer on tap.
Time was now ticking furiously against them; the hardest part was dragging a very drunk Longmire away from the Ping Pong tables where he was participating in the beer pong championship with the locals.
Buckley was furious with Longmire. Shoving Johnny out into the streets, Buckley screamed:
“If you want a cheap night out, just head out to Footscray at the local Tabaret you idiot!”
Longmire just stared blankly at Buckley for a few seconds, then vomited on Bucks’ very expensive leather shoes.
After wreaking havoc in the streets of New York, the trio head back to New York Harbor, heading back home to Melbourne.
Miraculously still in talking terms, waving the Big City a final farewell all three started singing and dancing:
“New York, New York, a visitor’s place.
“Where no one lives on account of the pace.
“We’ve just wiped Paul Little’s bank account without a trace.
“New York, New York, an unforgettable place.”