Monthly Archives: August 2015
Carlton Appoints Brendon Bolton As New Coach
The Carlton Football Club is pleased to announce the appointment of Brendon Bolton as its new senior coach.
Bolton comes to Carlton with an impressive resume, which includes seven years as an assistant coach at Hawthorn. After joining the Hawks from the club’s VFL affiliate in 2009, Bolton initially worked with the midfield before becoming the forward line coach. In 2014 he coached the Hawks for five senior matches between rounds 11 and 15, achieving a perfect record by winning each game.
Originally from Tasmania, Bolton is a former high school physical education teacher. He won a premiership as a captain-coach with North Hobart in 2003 and in the same year also won the league’s Horrie Gorringe Medal as the best and fairest footballer in Tasmania. Stints at the Tassie Devils and Clarence followed, before Bolton took over as the head coach of the Box Hill Hawks, guiding the team to consecutive finals series in his two seasons in charge.
Selection committee Chair and Carlton CEO Steven Trigg says Bolton represents the change needed to lead the build of the football program.
“I’m delighted to welcome Brendon to our club and to our team. It is our vision that Brendon will be a long-term coach of our football club as we build toward sustained success. He will be afforded the time and the resources to take Carlton back to where we all want it to be and we will support him every step of the way.
“What set Brendon apart was far more than just his resume and experience, which is impressive in itself. It was his proven ability to develop and educate that convinced our selection panel that he is the right person for Carlton. He is a proven performer, having come from an elite environment where the ultimate success has been achieved.
“To our interim coach, John Barker, I would like to extend our deepest gratitude for what he has achieved since taking on the role. He has restored a competitive spirit to our team and always put the club first in everything he did.
“John has earned nothing but the highest level of respect from everyone at Carlton and the wider football community, showing he has the qualities and the drive to become an AFL senior coach. We will continue to support John however we can with his next steps.”
Carlton president Mark LoGiudice says Bolton’s appointment follows an extensive recruitment process.
“Our coaching selection panel was genuinely impressed with the quality of candidates who put themselves forward for our senior coaching position,” LoGiudice said.
“We promised to leave no stone unturned in our hunt for a new coach and it’s safe to say it was a rigorous and robust process. I would like to thank the selection panel for its efforts in delivering a terrific outcome for our football club.
“This is a significant decision for Carlton. It was imperative for our players and members we find the right person and the right fit to take our team forward, and I have every confidence that Brendon Bolton is the right man for the job.
“In the past 15 months three major pillars of our football club have changed, with the installation of a new president, a new CEO and now a new coach. Together with a very capable head of football in Andrew McKay, and new executive management team, we believe we now have the foundations to grow Carlton both on and off the field. We are aligned and committed to returning the Blues to being a dominant force once again.
“Now that we have this very significant piece of the puzzle in place, we hope every Carlton supporter will get behind our club and join us in looking with enthusiasm to the future.”
Brendon Bolton will continue in his role at Hawthorn until a time to be confirmed, while John Barker will remain Carlton’s caretaker coach until the end of the home and away season.
Time for an AFL road trip?
Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV think so as we take a trip with the gang from ANIMAL HOUSE.
University students Leon ”King Of Leon” Cameron with his dunderhead companion Justin “Lipstick” Leppitsch under the house name of “Barbarians” seek to join the prestigious fraternity of Trinity College situated in Parkville – Melbourne.
Trinity College owned by the esteemed University of Melbourne has a long, refined and distinguished history. Founded in 1872 by the first Anglican Bishop of Melbourne – Charles Perry.
Already kicked out of their previous student budget accommodation “UniLodge” in Flinders Street Melbourne for trashing and completely destroying their rooms, not to mention nearly setting the whole complex on fire. If that was not enough, the two students are also facing a life-time ban of ever entering inside the premises of the historic “Young and Jackson Hotel” in the corners of Flinders and Swanston Streets for stealing the famous 1875 oil on canvas nude portrait of the young Parisian girl “Chloè” by French figure painter – Jules Joseph Lefebvre.
Miraculously escaping the law, bypassing incarceration, the two brutes find another student cave to squat in, seeing that they have both being ejected and rejected from nearly every single student housing accommodation in the state of Victoria.
The Trinity College Dean Mr. Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan is keen to remove the two louts, already on probation from his campus due to conduct violations and abysmal academic standards.
Further incidents that have already occurred within the campus inside Trinity College increases the tension between the Dean, the president of the house “Swans” John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire as well as all the other staff members and students.
The Dean orders the clean-cut smug “Swan” house president Longmire to find a way to remove the “Barbarians” off the campus permanently.
Leon and Justin, steals the answers to an upcoming Sports Psychology test from the office trash, not realizing that the “Swans” greasy member – Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson has planted a fake set of answers for them to find.
Leon and Justin fail the exam, their grade-point average falls so low.
“Ha! Ha! Ha! Morons you’re going to be expelled!” Alistair laughed, adding: “Carrots, my dear child is that a tear you’re shedding?”
Justin Lunged Alistair by his throat, shoving his head inside a garbage bin; ending it with Leon banging the metal lid from the garbage bin repeatedly on his Alistair’s head
Inside the cafeteria the following day, smooth talking “Damien “Hardly” Hardwick tries to convince the president from the nearby fraternity house – “Queen’s College”, a young girl to abandon her current boyfriend and go on a date with him instead.
Damien was just about to give out his mobile phone number when Leon appearing out of nowhere warned the girl: “Hey darl, I just heard from the other blokes around campus that Hardwick has small pox, he’s extremely contagious. Keep away from him, you touch him, the blisters and pus will burst. He’s covered in them!”
Leon proceeds to provoke Damien with his impression of stuffing a scoop of mashed potatoes in his mouth propelling it directly into Damien’s face.
To cheer themselves up, the “Barbarians” organize a Toga party. John boy (Longmire) and his useless pal, the other John “Fakey” Blakey sees the perfect opportunity to gate crash the house party and catch Leon and Justin out, hoping to get them evicted once and for all.
After drinking copious amount of beer, the two Johnny’s were blind drunk.
Leon and Justin managed to convince Longmire and Blakey to remove their Toga costumes and wear only a fig leaf for concealment and nothing else, imitating the University Dean McLachlan. Filming the two Johnny’s antics on Longmire’s camera phone, Cameron and Leppitsch eventually loaded the actual footage on to the University student portal link.
Gold Coast Bums
“Why are you all moping around for?” Asked Justin as Gazza “The Dazzler” Ablett and his bums looked on in horror at their interim exam results.
“Christ! Seven years of college down the bloody drain. Might as well join the Peace Corps!” Lamented Gazza.
“So what are you waiting for?” Leon insulted, running for dear life as Gazza and his Bums bolted after him.
Witnessing the Scotty twins leaving the “Barbarians” fraternity house, boiled with anger the Dean stopped Brad “Beam Me Where? Scotty” Scott and his identical twin brother Chris “Beam Up…Again! Scotty” Scott interrogating them with the following: “What is the worst fraternity in this Campus?”
Brad: “That would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.”
“Cut the crap, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here! Who dropped a truckload of compost at my front lodgings? Every week toilets around the campus explodes. I want names!” The Dean threatened.
Chris had to step in, fearing for his twin brother: “Sir, you’re talking about the house of “Swans”.
“Listen here, you TWERP!!!” Screamed the Dean, flaring his nostrils: “This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off this campus.”
“Well, well well. Looks like somebody forgot there’s a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!” the Dean grinned.
Poor Scott “Blueseum” Camporeale and his fraternities mates from the house of “Crows” are all facing certain expulsion from Trinity College due the “Crows” urinating on the lawns of the campus yesterday.
“What a tool.” Scott muttered.
” I didn’t get that, son, what was that?” Questioned Dean McLachlan.
“Uh, I said, what a shame that a few bad apples have to ruin if for everyone else by breaking the rules.” Spluttered Camporeale.
“Put a sock in it boy, or else you’ll be outta here just like Hirdy along with his fraternity house of “Bombers”. Blackmailed the Dean.
Ross “Rampaging” Lyons and his “Dockers” were protesting against the current restrictions that have been implemented by the Dean. With his megaphone, the Dean looking on from a distance, Ross set out his speech: “Ladies and gentlemen. I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties. But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of certain individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame our educational institutions in general? That is the question!”
“Order!” The Dean bellowed, running towards Lyon, trying to prevent Ross from saying anything further to the huge crowd of students.
Thankfully, one of the Dockers stuck his leg out resulting in the Dean to fall face down on to the wet grass.
Paul “Lose” Roos and John ” Barky” Barker were walking along the corridors, bumped into the Dean, he couldn’t resist questioning: “Did you boys see your mid term grades yet?”
“They’re not posted on the student link as yet, sir.” Roos answered.
“I’ve seen them. Mr. Roos along with yours as well Mr. Barker. Two D’s, two E’s and an F. “Congratulations boys you are both at the top of your class.” The Dean walked away whistling.
West Coast Eagles
The “Swans” house president and his fruitless insignificant other, the two Johnny’s – (Longmire and Blakey) were outside Dean McLachlan’s lodgings talking, laughing and sipping wine. Brooding over the hypocritical Dean’s ban on alcohol being consumed on campus. Adam “Go West!” Simpson fermenting with anger noticing this sordid display, stormed towards Longmire asking: “John, look at my thumb.”
“Here’s Johnny!” Longmire looks at Adam’s thumb.
Adam punches John in the face, then head butts Blakey knocking him out cold, and starts running after Dean McLachlan, yelling: “The end of year celebration is still going to go ahead whether you like it or not! The boys and I have already booked Otis Day and the Knights to perform live. Alcohol will be permitted! And that’s an order!”
Cultures clashes and tempers flare as two cops, esteemed and respected Detective Inspector Lee a Detective from Hong Kong and Detective Inspector James Carter, a big and foul-mouthed caravanning work alone Los Angeles cop who are from different worlds discover one thing in common, they can’t stand each other.
Appointed by the AFL Commissioner – Mike “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick and the AFL CEO – Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan, both Detectives have been flown in exclusively to Melbourne in a top secret investigation working under cover on an assignment to restore some good old fashion footy values back into our beloved game.
Outlawed by the FBI, Inspector Carter along with Inspector Lee must form an unlikely partnership with the cocky, street-smart LAPD officer who prefers doing things his own way.
Upon arriving at Melbourne Airport, greeted by the Commissioner and the CEO, Inspector Lee wastes no time in getting down to business in making sure that the Commissioner and the AFL CEO guidelines is strictly adhered to.
As for Inspector Carter, he sees this unplanned trip to Australia for surf, tropical sun and of course the women.
Quickly hailing a cab, the two Detectives head for AFL Headquarters – Docklands to commence their hush hush investigation.
Inspector Carter already in a foul mood just by looking at Inspector Lee, sitting in the back seat of the cab, Carter introduces himself: “I’m Detective Carter. Do you speaka any English?….DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMIN’ OUTTA MY MOUTH?!”
Carter muttering to himself: “I cannot believe this shit. First I get a shitty assignment, now Mr. Rice-A-Roni don’t even speak American. C’mon man, my ride’s over here”.
“Put your bag in the back.” Carter screaming louder as Lee is looking at Carter smiling at him. “Put … yo…bag… in the back!”
Lee hands his overnight bag over to Carter. “No, no, no, no, no! You put your own shit in the back!
I am not a skycap! I’m FBI, you understand?” Inspector Carter yelled.
In perfect English, Inspector Lee snorted with derision: “Yeah right! More like an outlawed FBI.”
Storming inside the corporate section of the SCG, Inspector Carter is throwing insults to both coaches’ – John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire who was eating his lunch at the Diamond Lounge. Nathan “Braggadocio” Buckley was by the Diamond bar having a beer.
John Longmire nearly choked on his meal as for Nathan he spat out his beer, after hearing this declaration: “This is the United States Of James Carter! I’m the President! I’m the Emperor! I’m the King!”
“Excuse me, Mr. Longmire and Mr. Buckley”, cringed Inspector Lee, confessing:
“I am not responsible for his own assumption.”
Fuming with Lee, Carter was on a roll, reminding Lee as to who is really in charge around here, screaming: “You full of shit, you understand me, you full of shit!”
Calm as a cucumber Lee lectured the following: “Not being able to speak is not the same as not speaking. You seem as if you like to talk. I like to let people talk who like to talk. It makes it easier to find out how full of shit they really are.”
Scott “Blueseum” Camporeale walked over to Lee, shaking his hand enthusiastically introducing himself to the Detective Inspector.
Jimbo “The Fugitive” Hirdy unimpressed, walking off Etihad stadium in absolute disgust.
“I’ve heard about these two clowns being flown in by the Commissioner and the CEO trying to sort us all out. The fastest hands in the east meets the biggest mouth in the west. What a waste of AFL money!” Alan “You can Call Me Al” Simpson whined to his Saints.
“Oi! Al why don’t you repeat what you had just said about the two Detective Inspectors?” Grinned Brad “Beam Me Where? Scotty” Scott.
Detective Lee and Detective Carter were standing directly behind Alan Simpson, during his undignified and unrefined colourful outburst.
“Who’s the clown now eh?” Smirked Brad.
GWS (Yup! Still Slobs)
“Carter! What the hell do you think you’re doing? You can’t just show up at Adelaide Oval interrogating the senior coach including all of his GWS players. Ever heard of diplomacy? Jesus! You even destroyed their whole training facility.” Detective Lee was speechless witnessing Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron still shaking, GWS players were driven to tears.
“Don’t you blasphemy! Chill out! Their training facility was already messed up!” Pronounced Carter as he proceeded to do the moonwalk as he was heading out the door.
“With these two clubs, I have heard about Chris “Beam Me Up…Again! Scotty” Scott and Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson this will be total war Carter. Mr. McLachlan has already given me heads up on these two coaches’.
Carter: “You don’t know nothing about no war.”
Lee: “Everybody knows war.” Detective Inspector Lee singing: “War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, sing it again, you all!”
Carter: “It ain’t you all. It’s y’all.”
Carter: “Man you sound like a Karate movie, y’all!”
Discussing the 17th – Lions and the 18th contenders – Carlton currently on the AFL ladder. Detective Lee was in a pensive mood, Bigmouth strikes again, Detective Carter killed the silence with his usual windbag of knowledge. “That is why I don’t have a partner, that’s the one thing I learned from my daddy.
Lee shell shocked: “Your father was a police man?”
Carter: “Fifteen years LAPD.”
Lee: My daddy also a policeman.”
Carter: “Your daddy was a cop?’
Lee: “Not a cop, an officer, a legend all over Hong Kong.”
Carter: “My daddy a legend too all over America. My daddy once arrested fifteen people in one night by himself.”
Lee: ” My daddy arrested 25 by himself.”
“Ahem…gentleman John “Barky Barker interjected. “Aren’t we supposed to be practicing and sparring Karate moves with my Carlton boys Detective Lee?. I don’t know what other coaching advice I can offer them on the field anymore. You promised.” “Barky” Barker sulked.
“I need to speak with Mr. Damien “Hardly” Hardwick right away. This will not be a fair game.” Detective Lee panicked.
“Man, just sit there and shut up! This game ain’t a democracy!” Carter roared, shoving Inspector Lee out of the MCG Corporate Box.
Driving towards Footscray to meet with Luke “No Longer Fluked!” Bevridge in Detective Carter’s black 1972 Corvette, Detective Lee switches on the radio.
Lee: “Ah! Beach Boys!”
Carter: “Oh, hell no! You didn’t just touch my goddamn radio!”
Lee: “The Beach Boys are great American music.”
Carter: “The Beach Boys gonna get you a great ass whuppin’. Don’t you ever touch a black man’s radio, boy! You can do that in China but you can get your ass killed here, man!!!”
Irritated with the fact of catching yet another flight to meet the coach from the West and the other coach from the west, Detective Lee was at a loss about Ross Rampaging” Lyon as well as Adam “Go West!” Simpson refusing his help.
Lee mortified: “Why would they not want my help?”
Carter: “Because they don’t give a damn about you! They don’t like you! I don’t even like you!”
Lee: “I don’t care, I’m here for the Commissioner of the AFL.”
Carter: “He doesn’t even like you! Nobody likes you!”
Sitting on the plane heading back to AFL Headquarters – Docklands, in total silence, Lee was despondent.
Carter was too busy flirting with every single female flight attendant in sight.
Detective Inspector Lee puts slowly on his headphones and starts wailing out to the tune of:
“War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, sing it again, you all!”
AFL chief executive Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan makes an urgent phone call from London to the Southern Cross Station in Spencer Street – Melbourne where the Scotty twins are currently working as freight handlers in the shipping office. Gillon McLachlan tries to impart Brad “Beam where? Scotty” Scott – (Lou Costello) the danger of a shipment being sent to the “Docklands House of Horrors” a local wax museum, which purportedly contains the actual bodies of (Count Dracula) Paul “Mini Me” – Little and the (Frankenstein Monster) – Jimbo “The Fugitive” Hird.
However, before Gillon is able to warn Brad and Chris Scott of the hazardous situation ahead, a full moon begins to rise.
The world of the freight handlers (Bud Abbott) Chris and his identical twin brother (Lou Costello) Brad is turned upside down when the remains of Frankenstein monster – Jimbo Hird and Count Dracula – Paul Little arrive in Melbourne at Docklands city all the way from Europe.
Shortly after their arrival, Dracula – Little awakens and escapes with the weakened monster – Hird who he plans to re-energize Hirdy with a new brain.
The Wolf Man – Kevin “Reviewing His Situation” Sheedy a vintage ex-Bomber arrives from the True Value Solar Centre in an attempt to thwart Dracula – Little as well as the monster Frankenstein – Hird.
With the bad moon rising, all hell breaks loose with The Wolf Man – Kevin Sheedy – Dracula – Paul Little and Frankenstein – Jimbo Hird all running rampant.
Arriving at the MCG, disguised as bat, Count Dracula – Little with Frankenstein – Hirdy by his side, foolishly trying to swat his master with his gigantic hands, eventually transforms himself as the Count. Approaching Damien “Hardly” Hardwick inside the corporate box bistro section eating an eye fillet done medium rare, the Count proceeds with the following:
“Please to meet your acquaintance. I am Count Dracula.”
“Yes master.” Frankenstein answered.
“I’m not speaking with you! You stupid troublesome twit!” Count Dracula yelled.
Uninvited the Count sits himself down in front of Damien persisting: “I need you to help me find that being, that other ex-Bomber Scott “Blueseum” Camporeale. My antagonist here could do with his brain. Any suggestions?”
Ravenously still chomping on his meat in silence, without even looking at the Count, Damien Hardwick slowly holds up a giant photograph of WADA Chief – Sir Craig “The Guvnor” Reedie.
The Count snarls, shielding his ghostly white face with his black cape and turns away.
Damien raises his glass of wine, sipping it in triumph, puts away the photograph of Sir Craig Reedie.
“For one who has not lived even a single lifetime, you’re a wise man, Hardwick.” Issued the Count bitterly, transforming himself into a bat yet again.
Frankenstein successfully swats his master, shoving him inside his pocket of his jacket for safekeeping.
Frantically phoning John “Barky” Barker, the Scotty twins warns John about The Wolf Man – Sheedy running wild all over inner Melbourne as the moon is ascending. Determine to scare all the other Blue boys and the Shitwoods out of their wits, preventing them from playing their schedule game of footy at the MCG.
“Mate! Get your boys out of there! The Wolf Man is coming; he will tear you and all the other players apart! Get out now!” Chris screamed on the phone.
“I’m going to get that other crate. And no talk back!” Brad alerted to Chris as he was still pleading with an unconvinced “Barky” Barker the danger that loomed ahead.
“I’ve got two words to say to you.” Chris was now in panic mode.
“What’s that?” Brad questioned.
“Hurry back!” Chris begged.
Disinterested “Barky” John angrily hung up the phone.
“You still want your exhibit?” Challenged Chris over the phone to Luke “Fluked!” Bevridge after Brad packed a suspicious shipment to Footscray yesterday Morning.
“Of course I do! That is what I specifically requested!” Demanded Bevridge.
“Here comes one of em’ now!” Confirmed Chris as he could hear Bevridge pleading to the Count: “No not my brain! I’ve had this for over 40 years. It hasn’t done me any good!”
Gold Coast Bums
Forming into a green mist, sneaking inside the GABBA unaware, Count Dracula and his pea brain pal Frankenstein were both hoping to bump into a willing apprentice?
“Young people are making the most out of life, while it lasts.” Count Dracula smirked, as Frankenstein was too busy admiring and staring at a photograph of Gary “Gazza the Dazzler” Ablett and his bums.
“My dear friend, there is already too much stupid inside this room.” Established Count Dracula.
“I don’t get it. Out of all the guys around here, they had to pick a guy like you.” Chris complained, clearly miffed about Joel ” Boy Wonder” Selwood being interviewed before kick off live from Simonds Stadium – Geelong.
“What’s wrong with that?” Joel retorted to his senior coach.
“Go and look at yourself in the mirror sometime.” Barked Chris storming out of the change rooms at Simonds Stadium.
“Why should I hurt my own feelings?” Joel spat back, resisting the off chance in glancing at himself in the mirror flexing his muscles. To his horror viewing at his own reflection in the mirror was The Wolf Man – Sheedy waving and smiling at him, ready to pounce.
West Coast Eagles
“We’re better hide the Eagles and the Hawks! Seeing that these feathered creatures are finals contention. But where?” Chris was visibly distressed.
“AFL house Docklands that’s where.” Acknowledged Brad adding: “The Chief will protect us if we tell him what really happened to the shipment, after all the original consignment was to be the wax museum “House of Horrors – Docklands.
Brad wasted no time in phoning the AFL Chief Executive Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan petitioning their case.
“Get up on your feet. It’s only a dummy!” Chris yelled to his blockhead twin Brad as they were entering the sacred grounds of the MCG.
Brad trembling uncontrollably confesses: “Dummy nothin’. It was smart enough to scare the hell out of me!”
Viewing from a distance, it was no dummy, the Scotty twins recognized Frankenstein – Jimbo stomping, walking, arms outstretched heading towards Brad’s beloved Kangaroos as his team were jogging around the lawns of the MCG.
“Oi! Jimbo!” Whistled Brad. “Over here! You good for nothing money laundering oaf!”
In an instant, Brad and Chris tricked Frankenstein inside a giant crate, securely hammering the nails in.
GWS (Yup! Still Slobs)
Live from Grubby Stadium – somewhere in Shitney with Leon “King of Leon” Cameron waving to the camera, laughing in the background, The Count is calling Kevin Sheedy an obsolete out of touch tosser.
“Where’s that midget of that Count? A has been? Did that leech just announced that on national television? I’m going to get him for this! How dare he says, “Kevin who?” on live television.” Seethed The Wolf Man.
“Who’s Sheedy?” Joked the Scotty twins endangering their own lives.
“Listen B1 and B2 in half an hour the moon will rise and I’ll turn into a big bad wolf, so don’t make me angry.” The Wolf Man threatened.
“Yeah you and twenty million other guys.” Scoffed Brad.
The wolf man slams Brad into a locker with Chris being shoved in as well.
“I’ll rip both your limbs off. Now I’m bloody angry!” Growled The Wolf Man.
Brad whispering to Chris inside the locker revealing: “Ssshhh I’ve already set 20 JC Conner “Jake” foot traps.”
Overhearing Brad’s conversation, The Wolf Man bares his teeth, pounds his chest, growling ready for attack.
“Ruuunnn!!! Chris pulling Brad away from The Wolf Man as his jaws just snapped shut on top of Brad’s head, narrowly missing him.
“Hey Ross? “Rampaging” Lyon, where’s the Count, he’s out to destroy you and your beloved Dockers. We need to find him before the full moon. Where’s your assistant coach Brett “Brat” Kirk? We’ve gotta move fast!” Informed the Scotty Twins.
“Here I am.” Brett Kirk casually strolling in munching on a banana.
“Well that’s gonna cost you overtime because I’m a union person and I work only sixteen hours a day.”
“A union man only works eight hours a day.” Quizzed Brad and Chris.
“Yeah well I belong to two unions.” Settled Brett Kirk.
Instantaneously the Scotty twins along with Brett Kirk discovered Count Dracula – Little snoring loudly inside a huge box. They quickly hammered the lid firmly shut, including the Frankenstein monster – Hird and the injured Wolf Man – Sheedy. Shipping out all three Bombers on an urgent Express shipment to the local wax museum – “House of Horrors” at Docklands city to be displayed permanently as endangered species of the AFL.
Popular AFL coach of the moment – Ross “Rampaging” Lyon decides to take the day off and skip the annual AFL coaches symposium held at the Garden Room at Crown casino.
Chaired by the chairman – Mike “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick and the AFL CEO – Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan, fooling the AFL administrators as well as the CEO that he is sick.
Ross persuades his assistant coach to the Dockers – Brett “The Brat” Kirk to join him.
Ross coaxes Brett into taking Gillon’s prized and extremely rare 1961 Ferrari 250 convertible out for a spin out into the streets of Docklands City.
The rest of the AFL clubs and the players learn of Lyon’s unexpected illness and offer donations to help Ross. Sympathy spreads throughout the AFL clubs including the players inspiring a campaign to “Save Ross.” However, only two people are not convinced by Lyon’s deception, Jimbo “The Fugutive” Hirdy as well as Paul “Mini Me” Little who are convinced that Ross is nothing but a truant and calls his absence to the conference into question.
Outraged at Ross Lyon’s ability to defy authority easily, Jimbo Hirdy and Mini Me Little are hell bent in catching Ross Lyons and his assistant coach Brett Kirk out.
Furthermore, Ross Lyon is an “Angel” in the AFL eyes. It’s Ross’ day off, he’s out to enjoy himself, and guess what punters, and he does in style.
Seeing Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson hailing a cab to attend the symposium at the Crown complex, Ross elbows Brett to call out to Alistair just as he was about to hop inside the taxi. Approaching Clarkson, Lyons could not resist as he egotistically lectured the following:
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Lyons informed.
“Huh?” Poor Alistair was visibly confused; his assistant coach Brett could only look on in astonishment, scratching his head.
Lyons was on a roll: “Not that I condone fascism, or any – ism for that matter. –Ism’s in my opinion is not good. A person should not believe in an –ism, he should believe in himself.
I just believe in me.” Walking off whistling to the tune of “We Are The Champions.” – Queen.
Driving around in McMoron’s cherished convertible Ferrari, “The Brat” Kirk grumbled: “Pardon my French, but Chris “Beam Me Up…Again! Scotty” Scott is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his bum, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”
“Come on! Just drive!” Lyons yelled. Brett Kirk was sweating bullets of fear of being discovered by Nathan “Braggadocio” Buckley driving around near the MCG in McMoron’s distinguishable Ferrari.
Kirk was panicking, lamenting: “Did you know less than 100 of this 1961 Ferrari 250 convertible were made. I heard that Gillon spent over three years restoring this car.
It’s his love. It’s his passion.”
Without a care in the world, Lyons sniggered: “It’s Gillon’s fault for not locking the garage door.”
Kirk was beside himself: “Okay, Ross, can we just pull over please? You’ve gone too far. We’re going to get busted!”
“ A: You can never go too far. B: “If I’m going to get busted, it’s is not gonna be a guy like that!” Driving pass John “Here’s Johnny” Longmire tooting the horn to the sound of the theme song from the movie “The Godfather.”
Accidentally bumping into Brad “Beam Me Where? Scotty” Scott as Brett Kirk was nervously parked McMoron’s Ferrari, Brad sheepishly whispered to Lyons and Kirk: “You fellas have nothing to worry about. Tapping his nose symbolizing shrewd, Brad Scott winked adding:
I’m a professional.”
“A professional what?” Lyons snorted, rudely shoving Brad out of his way. Kirk could only helplessly shrug his shoulders, quickly following Lyons to his next unpredictable venture; after all, it’s Ross Lyon’s day off.
West Coast Eagles
Adam “Go West!” Simpson is walking through the crowds outside AFL Headquarters, shaking the tin for “Save Ross” campaign. Gary “ Gazza the Dazzler” grabs the tin out of Simpson’s hand, questioning: “Save Ross? You must be joking!”
“Excuse me?” Simpson yelled as he snatched back the tin, Gazza was trying to crack the tin open, helping himself to the takings
Noticing Ken “Kinky” Hinkley from the crowd, Ross was furious that he was chatting away with McMoron and Fitzy criticizing to Kirk: “I did not achieve this position in this sporting life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.”
“Was it Cambert or Brie?” Brett Kirk queried innocently.
Whacking Kirk hard across the head with the megaphone, Ross quickly composed himself preparing for the grand finale to his one-day of leisure.
Crowds of people were assembling outside the AFL Headquarters, the news spread like wild fire that Ross Lyon was in town. Lyons made no bones about who is numero uno at the moment. Addressing the massive crowds with a megaphone the following: “Forget Luke “Fluked” Bevridge! He’s not that popular. I tell you who is? It’s Jimbo “The Fugitive” Hirdy and his puppet Mini me. The sportos, the motor heads, the skin heads, geeks, wastoids, dweebies, morons, even his own club insurers Jimbo is suing for failed legal cost from his massive legal bill, the club even love him. They all still think that he’s a self righteous dude.”
Ladies and gentleman, you are such a wonderful crowd; we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today – Gillon McMoron McLachlan. This one is for you.
Brett “The Brat” Kirk pushing his way from the pack crowd outside AFL Headquarters screams: “Ross! Get off the float!”