Giro Numbero Uno…(Round one)
Welcome back to the 2016 edition of the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP.
Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV are featuring again this year with their weekly jocularity.
Enjoy the ROUND ONE edition, I WANNA BE STRAIGHT…
On the 25th of March 2016, the AFL conducted hair testing for illicit drugs in the players’ off-season period. The AFL illicit drug policy was changed last year and the new policy regime will be in force this year.
The AFL has declared that they will not make the result of the recent hair tests for illicit drugs go public. Some clubs are particularly uncomfortable with this affirmation, and in the past they have pushed for changes to the policy, urging the AFL to allow clubs access to testing information so they may better protect the health and the prosperity of the other players.
Worry no more Dear Punters.
We have already designed our own policies, beginning with the AFL head honcho – Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan, all the ALF senior club coaches’ along with all the AFL players’ with the inclusion of the AFL Players Association boss – Paul “Harsh” Marsh, addressing, directing and implementing these guidelines.
On the face of it, our approach to these codes of behaviour will most certainly fumble along with this proposed monolithic management protocol system listed below.
Might as well kiss season 2016 goodbye if any of these ridiculous tactical procedures should ever see the light of day.
Damien “Hardly” Hardwick insists his Cubs use Tiger balm religiously to prevent injury related muscle sprains.
Our Suggestion: Stagger on playing fellas uninspired.
Brendan (“Thor”) Bolton and his Blue boys are injecting Botox every three months so they can look fabulous and attract all the girls.
No-No! Botox is a drug that contains a neuro toxin known as Botulinum.
Our Suggestion: Naturally, drag your soggy wrinkles and everything else that’s hanging along with you.
Paul “Lose” Roos Not wanting to revisit the massive injury list that has plagued the club for most of season 2015, Roos recommends his fearless Demons wear Dencorub patches all the time. The Demons are all terrified of aches and pain.
Our Suggestion: Put up and shut up!
GWS (Geez Which State?…)
Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron ensures that his Motley Crue and himself are well stocked up with copious amount of Steradent denture glue, even while they’re playing on the field. Most of the players don’t possess any teeth!
Potentially hazardous. Sets like concrete.
Our Suggestion: We strongly recommend, for best results apply the fixative denture adhesive inside and around your mouths.
Gold Coast Bums
Rodney “Rocket” Eade and his bums like the sun kiss look all year round, using fake tan especially in the cooler months when facing harsh winters particularly in Melbourne.
Our Suggestion: Blend in with the locals down in the southern states, much cheaper alternative…Bleach!
John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold advises his Bombers to take ENO daily to eliminate the indigestion of the massive brick wall that has impounded on all the players from their emotional roller-coaster ride that is still hovering over them.
Our Suggestion: Chocolate coated Laxettes with added sena.
Excrete all the left over feculence!
Brad “Beam Me Back Scotty” Scott and his Roos cannot live without the good ol’ tropical strength Aerogard. These marsupials need all the added protection and repelling they can get against the inconvenience and infliction of losing a game.
Our suggestion: Why have a wash after sweating it out on the playing field, the stench and decay really isn’t a bad thing is it?
Newest kid on the block Don “Is Don!…Is Good!” Pyke reckons spraying a can full of Lynx Anarchy body spray all over before each and every game, his Crows will frighten the bejesus off the opposing players.
Our Suggestion: Mortein fast knock down. Definitely will do the trick!
John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire along with his uncouth and unrefined Swans swear by the effective use of jock itch cream.
Our Suggestion: How about some natural remedy? Chili flakes. Nothing illegal there.
After an extensive review, collectively we decided that tattoo ink is no longer acceptable.
Our suggestion: Don’t bother playing; your own mob will no longer recognize you!
Luke “No Longer Fluked!” Beveridge maintains his Doggies use Berocca Performance Orange flavoured effervescent tablets every day for mental sharpness.
Our Suggestion: Visit Franco Cozzo in Footscray instead and revisit the replay of the 1954 AFL Grand Final.
Ross “Rampaging” Lyon is unconditional that his sleepy Dockers will continue on with their oxygen therapy.
Our Suggestion: Hold your breath!
Zinc cream SPF 50 plus is no longer permissible for Ken “Kinky” Hinkley and his dodgy Dockers when playing over at the west end as the Indian summer is still looming.
Too many colour variations in the Zinc.
Our Suggestion: Bertolli Butter with natural olive oil.
Lucozade is out of the question. We have already discussed this with Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson and to his sluggish Saints.
Our Suggestion: Can’t think of any.
West Coast Eagles
Every box of Red Bull energy drinks has all been confiscated from the club headquarters. Adam “Go West!” Simpson tearfully whines it gives his Eagles wings.
Our Suggestion: A cup of chamomile tea and plenty of it!
Justin “Lipstick” Leppitsch is searching aimlessly inside the clubs first aid kit. Panic-stricken, Leppitsch is wondering where on earth has all the Elastoplast plaster tape has gone.
Our Suggestion: Sticky tape will do!
Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott has impressed us with his boys drinking coconut water to keep himself and his Cats purring throughout this season.
Our Suggestion: Castor oil, much more effective.
Annoyingly walking around still humming to the tune of Queens’ “We Are The Champions”, Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson uses electro therapy on all his Hawks.
In particular the “NeuroTrac” sports digital muscle stimulator.
Our Suggestion: Electrolysis! On Alistair’s humungous fat head!
Might reduce his massive ego and restore some calmness in his unpredictable temper tantrums as well.
Here is some sound advice from the Master himself teaching us all how to be straight.