Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV have on this occassion called on Alf. The Smart Mouth Alien from Melmac to brighten us up after a miserable week of tipstering.
Alf the alien has been following the AFL saga for the last nine rounds via amateur radio from planet Melmac signaling to Earth, eventually crash landing at the front entrance doors of the AFL Headquarters in the Docklands.
Unsure as what to do, Gillon “McMoron” McLachalan takes Alf immediately inside the AFL Headquarters and hides him from the Alien Task Force – ASIO funded task force by Tony “The Mad Monk” Abbott incursion crisis policy from way back when, not to mention the nosy sporting media until Alf can repair his badly damaged spacecraft.
Hiding inside Gillon’s state of the arts office with a built in panic room, the strange looking alien offers Gillon some bizarre if not unorthodox advice in relation to the current state of affairs within the senior AFL coaches as well as the football teams progression so far.
An insatiable appetite for cats, the meow version, notwithstanding the problems and inconveniences Alf’s presence brings into Gillon’s life, he eventually grows a bond with the smart mouth alien.
Terrified of how Gillon’s reputation would be ruined if word ever got out, the CEO is determined to keep Alf’s identity a secret from his family, colleagues, as well as the sporting media circus.
After Gillon gave the alien a quick summary of each and individual footy team, their strength, weaknesses, the ins and outs of all the senior coaches including all the footy players in addition to the current position on the AFL ladder via the tutorial on the AFL website, the CEO anxiously waited for Alf’s unconventional assessment for round 9.
“Hey! Gillon don’t worry about ol’ Alistair…Channel 9 is running “Pyscho!”
John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire burst into the office of the AFL CEO – Gillon rudely berating him and his new toy about pretty much everything.
“Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you’re doing with your Ducks is all wrong?” Alf validated.
Longmire closely examines Alf mumbling to himself: “Must be a talking doll.”
Scaring the bejesus out of Longmire: “Oh Yeah? Ever heard of a talking doll ripping out your voice box!” Barked Alf.
Taking one look at “Nathan “I Still Think I’m In Trouble“ Buckley official fan club photograph, Alf confirmed: “Settled, Let’s hit bricks with this scum! Do we get to carry clubs?”
“Gillon, where do you keep your casseroles dishes?” Alf panicked.
“Why?” Gillon seemed baffled.
Alf: “The Cats won’t fit in the toaster.”
Gold Coast Bums
“Putting Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” as the star player and captain for these bums, is the cosmic equivalent of letting Madonna direct a film.” Alf flicking the photograph in disgust of the Gold coast Bums.
“No problem. Just leave me the keys to their liquor cabinet.”
Yo! Kinky my man! It’s your lucky day.”
West Coast Eagles
“Are they gonna throw a hissy fit every time I try to squander a couple of thousand of dollars?”
“What’s the kindest thing you can say about this team Alf? Number one on the AFL ladder.” Established Gillon.
Alf proceeded to burp, and fart at the same time, blowing Gillon off his leather chair across to the other side of the room.
Alf announcing the following: “If you love them, let them go, if they come back to you and win, they’re yours. If they are run over by a Vespa in Lygon Street you don’t want them!”
“Operator, this is an emergency…what is the number for 000?” Screamed Alf.
Miffed Alf declared: “I hate Damien “Hardly” Hardwicke’s hair! By the way Donald Trump stole my style!”
Confessing to Gillon Alf blurted the following: “I know my rights! I watch Judge Judy.”
“I can still see he is one sandwich short of a picnic. No Chance! What’s his name?” Alf questioned.
“Leppitsch.” Gillon sealed.
“Sounds like a typo.” Snorted Alf.
GWS (Geez! Which State?…)
Alf staring at the photo of Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron and his misfits’ smiling: “Gross! My kinda people.”
Using the bathroom, Gillon laughed out loud: “This coach is named after a drink!”
Concerned Alf knocked on the bathroom door: “Are you decent?”
Gillon: “Does it matter?”
Alf: “Not to me.”
“Trust me on this one, I’ve been wrong so many times before.”
Gillon: John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold is so blinded by the thirst of money, fame, and trying to coach, it causes him to lose his values and do things he shouldn’t be doing.”
Alf: “Well that explains Ghostbusters 2.”
After a long night with the head honcho – Gillon in evaluating and scrutinizing all of the AFL teams, the accidental guest of honour Alf was ready to farewell his new best friend for the last time. Space ship finally restored orbiting back to his home, the planet of Melmac.
There was one last thing that Alf needed to do for his besty Gillon.