Monthly Archives: May 2016

ALF to the AFL rescue.

alf

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV have on this occassion called on Alf. The Smart Mouth Alien from Melmac to brighten us up after a miserable week of tipstering.

 

Alf the alien has been following the AFL saga for the last nine rounds via amateur radio from planet Melmac signaling to Earth, eventually crash landing at the front entrance doors of the AFL Headquarters in the Docklands.

Unsure as what to do, Gillon “McMoron” McLachalan takes Alf immediately inside the AFL Headquarters and hides him from the Alien Task Force – ASIO funded task force by Tony “The Mad Monk” Abbott incursion crisis policy from way back when, not to mention the nosy sporting media until Alf can repair his badly damaged spacecraft.

Hiding inside Gillon’s state of the arts office with a built in panic room, the strange looking alien offers Gillon some bizarre if not unorthodox advice in relation to the current state of affairs within the senior AFL coaches as well as the football teams progression so far.

An insatiable appetite for cats, the meow version, notwithstanding the problems and inconveniences Alf’s presence brings into Gillon’s life, he eventually grows a bond with the smart mouth alien.

Terrified of how Gillon’s reputation would be ruined if word ever got out, the CEO is determined to keep Alf’s identity a secret from his family, colleagues, as well as the sporting media circus.

After Gillon gave the alien a quick summary of each and individual footy team, their strength, weaknesses, the ins and outs of all the senior coaches including all the footy players in addition to the current position on the AFL ladder via the tutorial on the AFL website, the CEO anxiously waited for Alf’s unconventional assessment for round 9.

 

Hawthorn

 

“Hey! Gillon don’t worry about ol’ Alistair…Channel 9 is running “Pyscho!”

 

Shitney

 

John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire burst into the office of the AFL CEO – Gillon rudely berating him and his new toy about pretty much everything.

“Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you’re doing with your Ducks is all wrong?” Alf validated.

Longmire closely examines Alf mumbling to himself: “Must be a talking doll.”

Scaring the bejesus out of Longmire: “Oh Yeah? Ever heard of a talking doll ripping out your voice box!” Barked Alf.

 

Collingmaguirewood

 

Taking one look at “Nathan “I Still Think I’m In Trouble“ Buckley official fan club photograph, Alf confirmed: “Settled, Let’s hit bricks with this scum! Do we get to carry clubs?”

 

Geelong

 

“Gillon, where do you keep your casseroles dishes?” Alf panicked.

“Why?” Gillon seemed baffled.

Alf: “The Cats won’t fit in the toaster.”

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

“Putting Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” as the star player and captain for these bums, is the cosmic equivalent of letting Madonna direct a film.” Alf flicking the photograph in disgust of the Gold coast Bums.

 

Adelaide

 

“No problem. Just leave me the keys to their liquor cabinet.”

 

Port Adelaide

 

Yo! Kinky my man! It’s your lucky day.”

 

West Coast Eagles

 

“Are they gonna throw a hissy fit every time I try to squander a couple of thousand of dollars?”

 

North Melbourne

 

“What’s the kindest thing you can say about this team Alf? Number one on the AFL ladder.” Established Gillon.

Alf proceeded to burp, and fart at the same time, blowing Gillon off his leather chair across to the other side of the room.

 

Carlton

 

Alf announcing the following: “If you love them, let them go, if they come back to you and win, they’re yours. If they are run over by a Vespa in Lygon Street you don’t want them!”

 

Fremantle

 

“Operator, this is an emergency…what is the number for 000?” Screamed Alf.

 

Richmond

 

Miffed Alf declared: “I hate Damien “Hardly” Hardwicke’s hair! By the way Donald Trump stole my style!”

 

Melbourne

 

Confessing to Gillon Alf blurted the following: “I know my rights! I watch Judge Judy.”

 

Brisbane Lions

 

“I can still see he is one sandwich short of a picnic. No Chance! What’s his name?” Alf questioned.

“Leppitsch.” Gillon sealed.

“Sounds like a typo.” Snorted Alf.

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?…)

 

Alf staring at the photo of Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron and his misfits’ smiling: “Gross! My kinda people.”

 

Bulldogs

 

Using the bathroom, Gillon laughed out loud: “This coach is named after a drink!”

Concerned Alf knocked on the bathroom door: “Are you decent?”

Gillon: “Does it matter?”

Alf: “Not to me.”

 

St Kilda

 

“Trust me on this one, I’ve been wrong so many times before.”

 

Essendon

 

Gillon: John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold is so blinded by the thirst of money, fame, and trying to coach, it causes him to lose his values and do things he shouldn’t be doing.”

Alf: “Well that explains Ghostbusters 2.”

 

After a long night with the head honcho – Gillon in evaluating and scrutinizing all of the AFL teams, the accidental guest of honour Alf was ready to farewell his new best friend for the last time. Space ship finally restored orbiting back to his home, the planet of Melmac.

 

There was one last thing that Alf needed to do for his besty Gillon.

 

 

https://youtu.be/PgiLBvPGoT4

 

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Kill the Shot Clock.

SHOT

What a week!

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, UNCLE EV & CONTESSA MANSKI want to kill the shot clock and take footy back to where it belongs.

 
Now we have the shot clock counting down the game and annoying us punters.
I’m not too keen in the new technology, call me a dinosaur, but why can’t footy just be plain ol' footy.
Remember the blood sweat and tears? 
Hardcore footy at it’s best!

The AFL has introduced a 30-second shot clock in the home and away season a couple of months ago to help regulate dawdling goal kickers.

A 15 second countdown clock was trialled at Etihad Stadium during last year’s pre-season.

The shot clock is now being used as a permanent basis this year at most of the major games.

The shot clock has already been used at the MCG, Etihad, Subiaco and Adelaide Oval, however it will not be used at all in these venues, such as the Gabba and the SCG.

Despite the fact the Gabba as well as the SCG are still negotiating towards in implementing the technology.

Initially brought to help umpires keep track of how long a player is taking to prepare for a set shot on a goal.

The clock will start counting down when a mark is taken within goal range and if the kicker has not taken his first step towards goals, the controlling umpire will wave play on.

It has been brought into question in recent weeks as some players have used it as a mechanism to waste time.

We do wonder what some of these players and senior AFL coaches must be thinking about this new rule, whether to keep the shot clock, scrap it or modify the rules.

 

Geelong

 

Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott wants to keep the rules claiming: “Nothing is a waste of time if you use your experience wisely.”

 

Adelaide

 

“The whole sporting world is a clock winding down. I’m not too sure about this one.” Don “Is Don…Is Good! Pyke revealed.

 

Essendon

 

John “ Should Have Known Better” Worsfold was in a foul mood, grimly pointing out to his Bombers: “I don’t know what’s going on in all your minds at the moment, makes no difference to me or how we are performing at the moment. Who cares?”

 

North Melbourne

 

Euphorically, Chris “Beam Me Back Scotty” Scott reassured his boys after the game: “We have never lost a game, we always use our time wisely thanks to the shot clock.

Well-done Mason “Time Waster” Wood.

 

 

 

 

Hawthorn

 

“When the going gets weird, the weird turns pro.” Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson calmly stated to his Hawks, confusing the players’ whether the shot clock is a good thing or a bad thing.

 

Fremantle

 

“I’m running out of time, that counting clock is the bone of my contention in my sporting career. One minute you’re on top of your game and the next how far below can you really go?

”Idiotic Idea!” Ross “No Longer The Boss” storming out Aurora Stadium during commentary at half time.

 

GWS (Geez!…Which State?…)

 

“The shot clock sweats out each minute of what strength and odour is left within us. You got that!” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron lectured, ensuring his players use their time on the field properly.

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Rodney “Rocket” Eade sat Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” Ablett down with some home truth: “Unfortunately the clock keeps ticking, the seconds goes by, the past increases, the future resides. Possibilities decreasing, leaving regrets mounting. And you’re questioning the counting clock?”

 

Brisbane Lions

 

“The thought of staring at that pathetic counting clock, feels like getting punched in the face by time. No bloody way. Get rid of that stupid thing.” Justin “Lipstick” Leppitsch was at breaking point inside the clubroom.

 

Collingmaguirewood

 

Tick! Tick! Tick! This is the sound of your sporting lives running out.” Nathan “Still In Trouble” Buckley threatened to his Pies before kick off.

 

Richmond

 

Damien “Hardly” Hardwick vented to his toothless Tigers of how he really felt about his club and the counting clock displayed at the MCG: “Why should I wake up when I’m half past dead?”

 

Shitney

 

“We better progress a step further in each tick of that shot clock!” John “Here’s Johnny! Longmire suggested to his Swans, knowing that time could be against them now.

 

Carlton

 

“Just be patient. Don’t rush, be quick but don’t hurry.” Brendon “Thor” Bolton advised his Blue boys about the new rules of the shot clock.

 

Port Adelaide

 

“Every single number on that clock knows all our secrets!” Ken “Kinky” Hinkley miserably disclosed to his shockers of his Dockers before the game.

 

Melbourne

 

“Unlike clocks, hours have no reverse motion, keep that in mind and you will never lag behind.” Paul “Winnable?” Roos was incredibly optimistic about his Demons and the counting clock.

 

 

 

Western Bulldogs

 

“Life is about timing” Preached St Luke “No Longer Fluked” Beveridge to his Bulldogs, confessing: “Acceptance and tolerance is the foundation to our success.”

 

West Coast Eagles

 

“Don’t watch the clock. Do what it does. Keep moving! Adam “Go West!” Simpson devotedly instructed to his born again Eagles.

 

St Kilda

 

“We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time!” Contravened Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson at the post game media conference. Adding: “Scrap that bloody clock!”

 

 

 

Here are Mick Molloy, Santo Cilauro and Andy Maher for a lighter look at the footy stories that made headlines in the week gone, and their preview of the round ahead.

 

Take note towards the end of this video of the Gold Coast Bums Chairman – Tony “Norman Gunston” Cochrane, he has to be seen to be believed!

A total Nut Job!

 

https://shar.es/1db9kg

 

 

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Kinky Boots – Giro Numero Sette..(round 7)

kinky boots

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV discover that the
hot topic of this season so far is the women’s football league, 
finally the AFL is giving some worthy recognition for these courageous 
ladies to put on their kinky (footy) boots and play the game with 
determination and fighting spirit.
 
At the end of the day, these girls just wanna have fun!

Melbournians’ love their footy. Each weekend during the colder months, thousands of us punters descend on football stadiums around the country to support our beloved teams.

Football is in our blood and is often dedicated by where we live, our families, our cultural heritage, or by even what we were taught at school.

A serious ritual, this process involves us proudly wearing the team colours, barracking for our favourite players and engaging in enthusiastic cheering, screaming, swearing and debating the pros and cons of the game, interrogating at every opportunity.

Although considered a contact sport, women’s Australian football is sometimes played with modified rules from that of the men’s game.

The main rule differences in women’s football as opposed to Australian Football involves modified tackling rules, slinging players by the jumper or throwing the player to the ground including head high contact is strictly not allowed.

The size of the football is another main difference; a smaller size ball to the men’s version is often used to minimize hand injuries when marking the ball.

Up to six AFL clubs could field women’s team by 2017, as part of the AFL’s major push to boost elite women’s football.

In recognition of the popularity of women’s football, the AFL will launch women’s league in 2017.

AFL CEO – Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan organized an urgent impromptu meeting with all the current AFL coaches’ at AFL Headquarters – Docklands. This unexpected gathering is for all the senior coaches’ in sending an uplifting, encouraging, inspiring and an uplifting message of equality to the women’s football league to further endorse the popularity in women’s football.

 

Hawthorn

 

Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson set some foundations to the game with the following:

“Sometimes, you have to get angry to get things done.”

 

Richmond

 

Struggling to form a sentence together, Damien “Hardly” Hardwick stuttered: “Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with passion and diligence.”

 

Carlton

 

Inspirationally Brendon “Thor” Bolton pledged: “We must raise both the ceiling and the floor.”

 

Collingmaguirewood

 

Without a care in the world, Nathan “I Think I’m In Trouble” Buckley moaned: “I’m not trying to win a popularity poll. I’m trying to win football games.”

 

Geelong

 

Winking at the camera, Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott purred: “Until we get equality in football, we won’t get equality in society.

 

West Coast Eagles

 

“Football is football and talent is talent. But the mindset of your team makes all the difference.” Adam “Go West!” made no bones about the competition.

 

Shitney

 

“Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus, instead we are all people. It’s that simple.” John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire deceived.

 

Essendon

 

Fighting back tears, John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold inarticulately mumbled: “Without football my life is worth nothing.” Eventually walking off sobbing much to the dismay of the AFL CEO.

 

Melbourne

 

“Those who dare take risks shall fulfill their passions.” Paul “Winnable?” Roos maintained, seeing he and his Demons are no longer the laughing stock.

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Speaking from experience, a profound knowledge of the game and with sincerity Rodney “Rocket” Eade established: “What you fear is what you must conquer.”

 

Adelaide

 

“We can make the dream come true. ”Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke is on cloud nine with his Crows sitting in the top eight on the AFL ladder.

 

Western Bulldogs

 

In his usual spiritual guidance, with both arms outstretched, almost otherworldly, “Luke “No Longer Fluked!” Beveridge professed: “Be strong. Be confident and determined.”

 

GWS (Geez!…Which State?)

 

Unashamedly, Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron revealed: “If other people think I’m okay looking, that’s great, but I don’t see it myself. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a bunch of fake teeth and football scars.”

 

Fremantle

 

Confessing nothing but the absolute truth, Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon disclosed:

”So I know all about the ups and downs of football. I know that one day I will be sacked!”

 

North Melbourne

 

Brad “Beam Me Back Scotty“ Scott self pride and massive ego made it quite clear who is numero uno right now arrogantly blabbing: “Leadership is the act of serving others, take some advice from the best in the game…Me!!”

 

St Kilda

 

Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson was cautious with this one balancing his words carefully: “We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.”

 

 

Port Adelaide

 

Admittedly Ken “Kinky” Hinkley did not hold back asserting: “Failure is a sign of life, keep guiding yourself and your team to the right path.”

 

Brisbane Lions

 

Justin “Lipstick” Leppitsch lamented: “Within your team; you need to accept the decisions, the good, the bad and the bloody ugly ones as well.”

 

The assembly of all the senior AFL coaches’ walked out of the AFL Headquarters conference room, hoping that all their message of inspiration gave an honest and clear insight into their professional sporting world.

 

Short and sweet, these women in football just wanna have fun.

 

 

 

https://youtu.be/PIb6AZdTr-A

 

 

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Washup se7en

Who the hell is this GLEN CLARKE bloke?

That is the question being mulled around the water fountain after se7en rounds of the 2016 edition of the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP. Glen Clarke is the bloke on top of the leaders board, clear by 2 tips of his nearest rival.

GLEN CLARKE (alias Mooseboy) is a 50 year old superstar tipster of the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP who is always up around the top of the list. Glen used to barrack for Richmond but is now a Bomber. He takes a GREAT SPEKKIE when playing kick to kick footy against the chicks. He grows a superb mo, he tells a great yarn, he can fit a beer schooner in his gob and he usually chokes at his tipping come the end of the season…(although he was our esteemed winner last year)

Stephen (POSSUM BOY) Wills is in second place, while 6 tipsters battle for 3rd, DOGGFATHER, OLD SANTA, PETER KALOGIROU, BUSTLING BASIL, POMMIE and OVERLORD.

UNCLE EV is still in 3rd last place.

ROY will be very pleased with himself this round as his team South Melbourne belted Nodnesse, hence ROY moved one place closer to your TIPSMASTER.

ROTATORMAN’s tips were putrid this week with 3 winners only.

Six tipsters picked 8 winners this round, GLEN CLARKE, DOINGITDOGGIESTYLE, BYRD, SYMO (The king of cricket, Hans Grueber, Sherriff of Nottingham), 4THORN, and GRAZY. No ninester tipsters in round se7en means our jackpot for the round of 8 will be a whopping great $25.00

Happy Birthday to THE DON and BARNSEY this week. BARNESY is celebrating his 50th and it is doubtful that a more fulfilled, action packed, entertaining, controversial, sensational half century was every made. RAISE YOUR BAT AND TAKE A BOW BARNESY!

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Flag on Mars?

Is there any truth in the general consensus that Mars will get a flag before Poor Ol’ Footscray does…?

mars

pic getty images

110806-charlie-sutton

pic: Herald Sun

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Eddie McGuire…hands like feet.

McGuire

Great marking skills Ed.

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by | May 6, 2016 · 11:20 am

WASHUP SUX…the KIWI ROUND

Round six sux tipsters as the roughys got up and the tipsters went down in the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP.

PETER KALOGIROU and The King Of Cricket, the one and only Hans Grueber, Sherriff of Nottingham SYMO were our best tipsters with 8 winners.

Jude Beer (what a great name…) of team JUDESTER was our worst tipster with 3 winners.

No jackpot winner means we are battling for the $20bucks cold hard cash on offer for picking all correctly in round 7.

Glen Clarke of team GLEN CLARKE celebrated his birthday in style by sitting on top of the leaders board with 41 winners after six rounds of the DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP. Other recent birthday celebrities include HOOTER from South America and STEAMROLLER from Kentucky, USA (what a world famous comp we have to be sure).

STEPHEN WILLS, DOGGFATHER and PETER KALOGIROU are all in second place with 40 winners.

UNCLE EV is still in the coveted 3rd last place.

Plenty of tipsters are still in the hunt and with the fickle results filtering through each round, the leaders board is changing weekly. So give it your best shot and I will see you next week tipsters.

REMEMBER…N.P.R.

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