Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have called up the great Rowan Atkinson to assess the Headmaster’s Ritual and the final AFL Roll Call for season 2016
What a season it was, dramas, retirements and wait for it, the biggest bombshell to top this season as one to remember. An instant culling from a very much celebrated player, none other than Brent “Boomer” Harvey along with three other veterans, Drew “Petty” Petrie, Michael “Spud” Firrito and Nick “Dal” Dal Santo.
Brad “The Butcher” Scott addressed a media conference at Arden Street shortly after the announcement telling the reporters: “The decision had been made with the club’s long-term future in mind. Adding: “It was a heartbreaking decision and one that wasn’t taken lightly…It’s easily the hardest day of my coaching career.”
Not according to the Kangaroos’ diehards, it was callous, cruel ruthless, savage and totally unforgivable.
Given that this is our last report for the year, we decided to round up all the current AFL senior coaches along with their players inside the assembly hall of the AFL headquarters at Docklands to assess and evaluate their distasteful performances through out this season.
Right. Quiet everyone. No back chatting please.
Let us begin.
Hello, nice to see you all again.
Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is AFL Hell, let’s try and keep things informal here as well as infernal.
Before you ask any questions, I’m afraid we have no toilets, so if you didn’t go before you came in then I’m afraid you are not gong to enjoy yourselves very much…but then, we believe that’s the idea.
Can you hear us at the back?…
Right come on, settle down please. Answer your names as I call them.
All right, off we go…
Anus, Arsebandit, Bottom. Thank you. Can you all walk towards this side of the hall?
Well done boys, Season 2016 is looking very promising for you lads. Excellent!
West Coast Eagles
Dodo, Enema. Where are you? Hands up please! The back end from the beginning of this season has certainly reversed your ability on the forward line. Fraudulently Impressive!
Fist up! Grow up please! Any more of your childish behaviour, you will not be qualifying in this year’s finals!
Genital. I’m sorry Genital? Hands up please. Ah! There you are. Thank you. So much to offer yet so very little to deliver. Your achievements this year has been nothing more but a tease.
Ontop. Stand up please. What is it to say about your lot this year? You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest. Not good enough!
Jaculation. Hands up please! Thank you. Your climatic emission mid season was too hasty; your keen and sudden sprout of talent has shriveled up turning into annoying little weeds.
Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick!
Remind me to beat Myprick when he get’s here!
Imadick? Imadick! Enema have you seen Imadick? Useless idiot!
Gold Coast Bums
Nicenquick. Yes well your dazzling captaincy was incredibly short lived, as we has all expected. Your future in this competition is controversial to say the least!
Where’s Pube?…Anyone seen him?…
Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you would find a seat. Bottom; squeeze Myprick in somewhere there with you.
Upyours. Sit down please! Your conduct has left this whole establishment agitated in the last few days. You are now on performance review! Don’t argue with us, our votes within this organization have been unanimous. Now Silence!
GWS (Geez!…Which State?)
Tightfit! We have had just about enough of your louts squashing yourselves in clearly where you don’t belong! You are all quite a nasty piece of work.
Not the sort of people we want to have dinner with. Absolutely disgusting!
Hardon? There you are. Yes well if you can just stand over in that darkened corner. Your hard performance to date has been droopy, floppy and limp. Unacceptable.
Yourprick? Nice of you to show up, seeing that have you have been in hiding for most of this year. We need to discuss your relevance within your group; your ejection is in question.
Herpes. Still with us I see! Enough of that language, its bad luck you have now become a social disease.
Looters and pillagers – Nathan and CollingmaguireEddie, if you can just stand over there please in the fiery corner. There is no longer any room for all your constant deceptions and foul play.
Just over here Nathan thanks, that includes you Eddie! Yes! The mobile phone and your wallet as well, you no longer have any use for it.
Rigid are you here? Ah there you are. Without a doubt, your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.
Zipper?…Where’s Zipper? Absent we believe. Typical.
He’s trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord Almighty or Bazza as we all know him.
Now then boys, we have called you all in as there has been too much smut this season.
Rigid, Fistup, Bottom out!
There has been some disgusting graffiti inside the change rooms in all the football stadiums.
Sit up straight Ontop! If you fall asleep we shall be very annoyed.
Tightfit, for heaven’s sake, leave Yourprick alone!
We don’t care. Yourprick had no business in poking into your desk in the first place.
We will not put with this behaviour boys.
The AFL is a club for the sons of gentlemen, and theory is that someday you will all turn into a gentlemen yourselves, that is the exception of genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret.
So there will be an end to this second form of toilet humour!
Dodo, Nicenquick, detention Saturday!
Right, we’re going back to our meeting room, but if we come back and catch Herpes loitering in the corridor, there will be trouble!