From our Italian Correspondents, BRYD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV
AFL season 2017 has finally touched down!
A great deal has taken place in the last six months, incidentally Donald “Chump” Trump taking over the Presidency, foolishly believing this tycoon despot is the usurper of the entire universe, the galaxy…
Oh! Including our very own AFL.
Inspecting whether this tool can actually takeover our beloved sport and turn it into “The Apprentice – AFL” style, who knows?
Regrettably, political circumstances has enabled this mental defective including his off-sider, Sean – “The Grim Reaper” Spicer to wreak havoc, chaotically confusing us mere mortals world wide an aversion towards his dictatorship.
Yes folks! Including our beloved AFL football.
Viewing this as another international political exercise, “Chump” Trump held an urgent meeting inside his Oval Office; actually it’s his own padded cell – “Trump Cell” with his nut job White House – “The Dungeon” press secretary, “Grim Reaper” Spicer to oversee the 2017 AFL Season opener.
Crucially boarding on “Air Force One” with his “Grim Reaper” heading towards Melbourne city to govern the rules and regulations of our game, “Chump” Trump is hell bent in superintending this impressive game, dangerously inventing his own standard principles of behaviour of this sporting code.
It’s “Chump’s” way or prepare to go to war!
Bursting inside the offices at IKON Park, “ Chump” Trump threatened Carlton CEO – Steve “Twig” Trigg along with Carlton President – Mark “Mambo Italiano” Logudice with the following:
“I will build a great wall and nobody builds better walls than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very expensively. I will build a great, great wall on the southern end of Lygon Street, Carlton and I will make Steve Trigg and Mark Logudice pay for it!”
Searching for “Chump” Trump inside the MCG, Damien “Hardly” Hardwick enquired to Sean “Grim Reaper” Spicer as to where “Chump” Trump has mysteriously disappeared.
“He’s getting his hair done!” Snapped Spicer.
“How can you fit a head that size in a conventional dryer?”
Clearly baffled, Damien burst out laughing, replying to his own question.
“I suppose he just has to undo the bolts on the side of his neck!”
CollingEddieMaquire and Nathan “I Think I’m In Trouble” Buckley tried to bribe Trump in converting “Chump” as the club’s mascot for the Shitwoods. They’re hopes were instantly shattered as Trump spat out with this masterpiece:
“My IQ is one of the highest and you all know it!”
“Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.”
Newly ordained pope Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge didn’t want a bar of Trump’s smug attitude, verbalizing his distaste to his press secretary Spicer.
“I hardly think Trump is in a position to lecture other AFL players’ along with their coaches’ about the choices they should be making in our game.” Preached “St. Luke”.
“Oh! That’s right!” Spicer screamed back in defense: “You take the moral high ground!”
“At least I’m not being exploited by some little shit of a President, you both are as weak as vegetarian piss!” Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge yelled, flashing a giant gold crucifix into Spicer’s face.
“There is something I’d like to pop into your percolator and see if it comes out brown.”
“On the other hand, “Chump” grinning maliciously to John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire and his Swans: “We do rather appear to have an ongoing underwear entanglement situation.”
Ken “Kinky” Hinkley approached Trump ready to shake his hand, but fell short with this introduction by “Chump”: ”Happy New Year fellas, including my many enemies and those who have fought and lost so badly, like you lot.”
“Look at all your hands, are they small hands?
“If they’re small, something else must be small, I guarantee you there’s a problem.”
Consumed with anger, Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson could only look on at his poor Saints’ who were rendered speechless.
Egotistically “Chump” concluded: “My fingers are long and beautiful, as it has been well documented along with my other body parts as well.”
Enraged, his Saints forcefully held Richardson back, otherwise “Chump” Trump would have been lifelessly thumped!
“Spicer if anyone wants me, I’m in my limousine, getting in touch with my inner child.” Announced, “Chump”.
“He’ll never find his inner child, it’s buried beneath the outer prat.” Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin the new kid within the AFL block scoffed.
Gold Coast Bums
“In this fast changing world of ours, you have to have tomorrow’s technology today, because today is tomorrow’s yesterday, and yesterday is a bad way to live.” Lectured, “Chump” to Rodney “Rocket” Eade while prepping up his Gold Coast Bums.
“Your Lions are in an ongoing testicles in the blender situation. Try not to get yourself sacked this season!” Blurted “Chump” to the other new kid on the AFL block Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan.
Fagan unimpressed bickered: “Obviously Trump, you got out of the wrong side of your coffin this morning!”
Clearing his throat, smarmy Bombers chairman, Lindsay “Money’s Too Tight To Mention” Tanner disgorged to the club with the following: “We must thank Mr. President Trump who will be watching over us this first round. He may even save us…financially.”
“Yeah right! Chump is from the Church of the Latter Day Bollocks!” John “Should Have Known Better” Worsfold ridiculed, walking off in absolute disgust.
“Mr Alistair “Angry Little Man” Clarkson, the point is with your cheesy Hawks you can never be too greedy.” Issued “Chump”.
Campaign slogan for Hawthorn season 2017 sorted!
Nursing an epic hangover from celebrating, AFL pre-season drinks, Brad “Beam Down Scotty” Scott was in no mood for any visitors, let alone the “Chump” and his “Grim Reaper.”
(Trump Loudly) “Good morning Bradley. What a lovely morning it is. I hope you haven’t got a HANGOVER!”
“Personally I feel terrific.”
Clutching on to his stomach, Brad pronounced angrily: “Who did Dante put in the first circle of Hell beneath the atheists? The smug bastards, wasn’t it?” Eventually vomiting all over the “Chump” and “The Grim Reaper’s” shoes.
West Coast Eagles
“When I think I’m right, nothing bothers me.” “Chump” assured.
“In that case, your planet has called, said your mission on Earth was over and you can go home. Declared Adam “Go West!” Simpson.
Advising Don “Is Don…”Is Good!” Pyke in firing key players’ for no apparent reason at all: “Usually if I fire somebody I’ll tell them how great they are, because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. You should try it some time.”
“You are not welcome here! Bugga off home!” Pyke storming off.
GWS (Geez…Which State?)
Trump carefully examined Leon “King of Leon” Cameron and his fearsome motley crew, blurting: “You’re disgusting! You are all fired! Threatening: “Prepare to go to war!”
Trump walking along singing out-loud: “I’m a filthy rich man – Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.”
“You’re in a good mood Mr. President.” Acknowledged “The Grim Reaper.”
Trump: “Indeed I am. I’m in the sort of mood that a eunuch who’s just heard about microsurgery would be in.”
Jerking his head towards “Chump” and his “Grim Reaper”, Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon barked: “Speaking of eunuchs’, here they bloody are!”
Trump fed up, sealed his final attack to Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott and to his Cats.
“Well I’m sitting here trying to surmise all your footy parts, I’ll just have to call you all stupid stuck up old farts!
Would you like to come back on this one?”
“Well you can’t!”
Conclusively, “Chump” left this brutal incentive to all of the AFL coaches, just before kick off:
“May you all sleep very well tonight and wake up with haemorrhoids the size of watermelons.”
“Spicer which country is next?”