Do you really want to hurt me?


Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?…Giro Numero Quindici…(Round 15)…

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI & UNCLE EV are offering a valuable lesson for all footballers when it comes to smacking, whacking and knocking an opponent out cold.

Uproar has surfaced this week in the AFL, the use of character references from the Prime Minister himself, Malcolm “The Smiling Assassin” Turnbull and media personality and academic Waleed “Wally” Aly in Richmond’s defender – Bachar “Hooligan” Houli’s defense at the AFL Tribunal.

Bachar Houli was given a two-week suspension for his backhand hit on Carlton’s Jed “Return Of The Jedi” Lamb, a strike that left Lamb concussed and out for the remainder of the game.

Houli categorically denied striking Lamb in the head, he even declared: “It’s false, absolutely false. I’ve never hit anyone in my life.”


What transpired next is that Houli’s counsel submitted character references from the PM, via a transcript of a speech given at a function at Punt Road the following Monday and from Gold Logie winner Waleed Aly.


Former Match Review Panel member, Nathan “The Guv’nor” Burke quickly criticised the use of character references from the Prime Minister as well as the media personality saying:

“He would much prefer to see the incidents viewed and graded purely on their merit.”

This led to more bickering, another former Tribunal member, Daniel “The Dan” Harford quoting: “There is a case to suggest that if you make intentional contact with a forceful flaying arm to the head of an opponent, to knock him out cold straight away, you should be looking at six weeks.” Adding: “Somehow, we ended up with a two week ban, which is manifestly inaccurate and I have no doubt that the AFL will challenge the verdict.”


And the AFL did.


The AFL has succeeded in it’s historic first ever appeal of a Tribunal decision.

Bachar Houli was suspended for four matches on Thursday night after the AFL’s appeal against the decision of it’s own tribunal was upheld.


It really does not matter how good a player is or how they represent themselves within the wider community, it does not account how good a bloke is outside the field, it has no relevance to what he does on the field.

Quite simply, Houli made an error; therefore he needs to be disciplined appropriately within the jurisdiction of this game regardless of what happens in his day to day life.


How would these throngs define whacking to avoid another smacking from the AFL Tribunal along with the AFL administrators?






Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin was in no mood for Longmire or his Swans, pointing an accusing finger, yelling out just before kick off: “Oi! Johnno! Go cry over there!”


John “Here’s Johnny” Longmire grinning viciously, shot back: “We’ll kill you with success and then bury your lot with a smile!”


Western Bulldogs


Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge seemed troubled with his Bulldogs performance as they are slipping further away from the top eight. His usual calmness diminished, cautioning his disciples the following: “Be ye therefore ready also, for the son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.”


Adam “Go West!” Simpson contemptuously condemned: “The Eagles are professional football players, they don’t mess around, you hurt them, watch out! My boys kick balls for a living!”




Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke had nothing but praise for the Crows blistering success so far this season: “To watch my team push themselves further than they think they can, it’s a beautiful thing.”


Laughing hysterically, Brendon “Thor!” Bolton issued the following to Donald after hearing his adorations for his Crows: “Well I set my DVR for The Biggest Loser, it keeps recording Adelaide Crows games.”


Gold Coast Bums


Rodney “Rocket” Eade was flipping from one AFL rule to another, questioning his own beliefs: “When you call a ball is out but it’s actually in. Shouldn’t have said that. I should NOT have said that!”


Staring down at the blackened entrance of the abyss, the bottom of AFL ladder, Brad “Beam Me Down Below Scotty” Scott was brutal and quite frankly hurtful, lashing out mercilessly:

“Time to bow out, flake out, leg it, and wash your hands of this competition old man if you cannot even recall the last game your Bums played, let alone the rules!”


GWS (Geez1…Which State?)


“Just give me a ball, a field and someone to embarrass.” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron was sanguine with this particular outcome.


“Is that a fact Leo? Our code of football is still trying to teach your Barbarians and yourself how to actually play AFL football, not rugby you twat!” Retorted Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott.


Port Adelaide


Ken “Kinky” Hinkley was explicit: “Listen up fellas, you don’t get what you wish for, you get what you work for!”


Damian “Hardly” Hardwick egotistically revealed: “Haters gonna hate, deflators gonna deflate.”




As the siren sounded for the commencement of the game, John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold pulled Fagan aside inquisitively: “Any of you guys know the rules?”


Curling his right hand into a tight fist ready for attack, Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan threatened: “Hurt me and you’re going to feel pain. Hurt any of my boys and you’re going to need an ambulance!”




“I’m sorry was that your face I just hit?” Alistair “Big Mouth Strikes Again!” Clarkson felt the need just to whack Bucks, for no apparent reason at all.


“Nice wig Clarko. What is it made out of? Your wife’s chest hair?” Nathan “Definitely A Gonner” Buckley quipped, smacking Alistair across his head.




“Hey! Whatcha thinkin about Coach?” Questioned the Dockers to Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon as he was just kneeling down pulling grass at Domain Stadium.

“I dunno, winning and stuff.” Was all Ross could articulate?


As the football world knows it, the AFL Tribunal will be exceptionally busy before this season is well and truly over.




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