I will survive…Giro Numero Sedici…(Round 16)…

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV are questioning who can survive the weekly scandles and scuttlebut of an AFL season.


What on earth is wrong with the AFL football this season?

Is the AFL football completely out of control?


The ugly incidents that has been mounting up recently in the AFL in the last few weeks have been unfortunately too frequent:

  • The Bachar “Hooligan” Houli including Tom “Thug” Bugg hits.
  • That brutal punch to a local footballer – Dale “Prevail” Saddington knocking him unconscious during a local game by the AFL diversity manager – Ali “Brawler” Fahour, now banned indefinitely and rightly so from playing or officiating any future football matches.
  • This weekend gone by, St Kilda forward – Tim “Grim” Membery and Collingmaguirewood’s midfielder – Levi “Shitwood” Greenwood appear certain to be handed suspensions for their high hits.
  • Richmond captain Trent “Bent” Cotchin continues to walk a fine line with his on field antics and aggression, despite the fact he gut punched St Kilda’s Jack “Lone Ranger” Lonie on Saturday night.
  • Former North Melbourne legend – Glenn “Sloucher” Archer has been charged over an alleged assault at his son’s junior football match in Melbourne in June of this year.


Since round 9, remember the sledging controversy?

AFL CEO – Gillon “McMoron” McLachlan and football Operations Manager – Simon “Lethal Weapons” Lethlean ordered a reset on intentional punches, so far 13 players have been found guilty of intentional strikes to the body.


No surprises that the Match Review Panel (MRP) is going to be exceptionally busy before this season will come to an end.

Brownlow medalist – Jimmy “I’ll See Ya Jimmy!” Bartel who sits on the AFL’s Match Review Panel is concerned about all of these incidents. The Panel is discussing the possibility of issuing red cards at the elite level.


Is this manner in conducting oneself an excuse for survival in a professional sporting existence to carry on playing ruthlessly in this blue-blooded game of ours?


Men behaving badly?


There is a matter of business to be taken care of as to who will actually survive this week let alone this season.







“Safe as houses!” Declared Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke. Adding: “My Crows and I are invincible!”


Walking around with his bible and a giant gold crucifix, dousing Holy Water to his beloved Bulldogs for protection, ever the faithful, Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge beseeched: “To whom much is given, from him much will be required.”


GWS (Geez! Which State?)


“I don’t settle for second best! We will win the AFL Grand Final, you hear me boys! It’s not negotiable!” Threatened Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron to his uncultivated misfits.


Taking a more precautionary approach, Alistair “Big Mouth Strikes Again!” Clarkson openly confessed: “Behind every scar, there is an untold story of survival.”




John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold took full advantage of Buck’s dilemma: “There’s talk circulating around the AFL that you could possibly head back north again and coach the Gold Coast Bums. You were known as that grizzly bear. Better than nothing mate!”


Nathan “I’m A Gonner” Buckley already in the firing line this year could only manage this incentive: “I’ve already been through hell. So I tell my boys give it your best shot.

Not only will I survive, we should probably win!”




“Look who’s laughing now? People always doubted me from the beginning of this season.

Well up yours! We will survive and we will revisit the AFL Grand Finals! So there!” Affirmed an unforgiving John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire.


Rodney “Rocket!” Eade wasn’t so sure: “I think I should be okay, I know I’m under pressure, but surely my job is saved by virtue of the Gold Coast Bum’s performance over the last month right?”




Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott secret coaching formula is finally revealed, he sings this little ditty to his Cats before every game: “I’m a little smart arse fat and stout, here is my finger, here is my mouth. When I get all worked up I will shout, piss me off and I’ll knock you out!”


“I’m doing okay with the kids. I’ll be staying on, there’s still a lot of work that needs to be done.” Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan was unusually optimistic given the fact that his toothless Lions will no doubt be awarded with the raspberry prize of AFL football, the wooden spoon.


St Kilda


Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson survivorship skills: “Don’t fear me when I’m my angry and screaming. Fear me when I’m angry and quiet because I’m plotting my revenge!”


Damian “Hardly” Hardwick, typically in La La land, scratching his head, questioning his Tigers as they could only horrifically look on: “I was going to do something, then I got distracted for 5 seconds and then I forgot again! Who are playing against this round?”












“Don’t bother playing this game son, we all know that at some point you are going to be given the flick, the vacancy in Collingmaguirewood prison doors are inviting you in.” Ross “No Longer The Boss” knew it was only a matter of time.


“So you think you’re safe, do you?” Barked Brad “Beam Me Down Below Scotty” Scott.

“Then again it will cost the club a bloody fortune to pay you out.

“How could you do this to them? You coward!”




Brendon “Thor!” Bolton, clearly frustrated had only this to say: “If there is no struggle, there is no progress!”


Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin was noble with this statement: “My Demons are so good, they simply cannot be ignored.”


West Coast Eagles


Self assured, Adam “Go West!” Simpson declared: “You poor things, we can destroy anyone in seconds.”


“You’ve survived 100% of everything in your life so far, so there’s a pretty good chance that you will not survive whatever is next!” Ken “Kinky” Hinkley retorted.


Survival of the fittest?


For how much longer?







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