Monthly Archives: August 2017

The Pub With No Beer!…Giro Numero Ventidue…(Round 22)…

no beer

The Pub With No Beer!…Giro Numero Ventidue…(Round 22)…

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV question what life would be like at at Pub With No Beer… I dread to think of it…

 

This coming Saturday history will be created when the town of Ballarat hosts its first ever VFL/AFL game.

Situated along the Midland Highway Wendouree, an outer suburb of Ballarat, Eureka Stadium will be the venue to be used.

Luckily for the locals they are not going to be treated to a dodgy match either, far from it.

Eureka stadium was built in 1990; the stadium has been used for many events such as the North Ballarat Cricket Club, as well as the annual Athletics Carnival.

The facility today is home of the North Ballarat Football Club of the Victorian Football League.

The match lined up between the Western Bulldogs and Port Adelaide is going to be absolutely massive.

The Bulldogs must win this game in order to keep their finals fairytale alive, avoiding the sporting critics in labeling them as a one premiership wonder, inevitably turning them back into pumpkins; whereas Port Adelaide much to our indignation are aiming to hold on to the top four spot on the almighty AFL ladder.

 

According to the Bureau of Meteorology earlier in the week, this particular match might be affected with snow; since then the blizzard conditions has been downgraded to light showers.

 

Perhaps if the other AFL clubs were given the opportunity to play a game in the historical town of Ballarat, what would be their pre-match warm up?

  • Grueling training schedule to acclimatize with the freezing conditions.
  • Motivational tutorials including podcasts from their perspective clubs.
  • Dynamic lunge stretching exercises helping with strength mobility and sprinting.
  • Backward skipping.

 

Most definitely a mighty fine glass of lager, seeing that the season is drawing to an end, why train when you can spend the weekend away with your mates at a local watering hole right?

 

Raise your glasses Punters, a toast to all of the AFL senior coaches heading towards a local pub some where in the outskirts of Ballarat that will be serving no beer!

 

Cheers! 

Adelaide

 

“To drink or not to drink? What a stupid bloody question!” Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke would rather have spent the weekend away with his family at a winery some where in the Adelaide hills.

 

Brisbane Lions

 

“Sorry no WI-FI. Talk to each other instead!” Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan read the sign as he nervously entered inside the pub, approaching the bar, another sign: “This pub has no beer.”

 

Carlton

 

“Censosillicaphobia: The fear of an empty beer glass!” Brendon “Thor!” Bolton read out loud to the others as he picked up the pub’s signature coasters.

 

Collingmaguirewood

 

Reasoning with the bartender, Nathan “Hasta La Vista” Buckley pleaded: “To me drink responsibly, means don’t spill! In that case do you have any ciders?”

 

Essendon

 

John ”The Other Johnny!” Longmire tried to clear up and comfort his already frustrated coaching companions soothing: “Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.”

 

Fremantle

 

Ross “No Longer The Boss!” Lyon unconvincingly declared: “Beer will save the world!

I don’t know how, but it will!”

 

Geelong

 

“Camping with no beer, it’s just like sitting in the woods!” Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott tried to reason with the Bartender.

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Another new kid on the block, Dean “Salmon” Solomon impresses his senior colleagues with his analogy of the golden syrup, advocating: “Beer does not make you fat! It makes you lean…against tables and walls.”

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?)

 

“I like my water with barley and hops, I’m not asking for a beer!” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron interrogated the bartender who was already threatening Leo off his premises.

 

Hawthorn

 

“I’m trying to save your ghost town from water shortages! You would be more environmentally sufficient if you served beer inside your stupid so called pub!” Analyzed Alistair “Big Mouth Strikes Again!” Clarkson.

 

Melbourne

 

“Absolutely no alcohol beyond this point, so stop your bloody whinging!” Yelled the bartender to Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin

 

North Melbourne

 

“Don’t cry over your spilt milk Bradley! It could have easily been your beer!” Lectured his genetic code of his twin brother – Chris.

 

Port Adelaide

 

Trying to put his case forward, Ken “Kinky” Hinkley had this theory: “Beer is the answer, I can’t remember the question.”

 

Richmond

 

Elementary Damian “Hardly” Hardwick came up with the basics: “Dinosaurs had no beer. How did that work out?”

 

St Kilda

 

Poetically, Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson professed: “Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust. When football is shit. A beer is a must!”

 

Shitney

 

John “Here’s Johnny” Longmire almost started a melee inside the pub with this bold statement: “I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I’m too busy to have a beer. I don’t give a shit!”

 

West Coast Eagles

 

Adam “Go West!” Simpson teaches the philosophy of the importance of being earnest to the already fed up bartender, educating: “Education is important, but beer is even more importanter!”

 

Western Bulldogs

 

Confirming from his Holiness, Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge pledged to the bartender that serving beer is not sinful preaching: “In Heaven there is no beer, that is why we are avowed to drink beer on God’s earth.”

 

 

Fine example these men would be.

 

Beer or no beer that is the question!

 

 

https://youtu.be/8E0aZ387M_I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Take this job and shove it…

eade

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have the AFL coaching fraternity looking over their shoulders as they ask who could be next to get the old heave ho…

As we have all predicted, the first axe has fallen at the Gold Coast Bums with Rodney “Rocket” Eade being sacked as a senior coach late Monday evening.

Former Essendon premiership player Dean “Salmon” Solomon is to take over for the Gold Coast Bums for the remainder of this season.

Bums chairman – Tony “Norman Gunston” Cochrane said that: The wins-loss ratio is not what we want it to be, not even close.”

Adding: “While there are difficult decisions to make, we need to focus on a future under a new senior coach.”

Chief executive – Mark “Shark” Evans admitted that Eade was clearly disappointed when he told him the news after the meeting, having called around Eade’s house where they shared a glass of wine or two.

 

Last drinks anyone?

 

Eade admitted that he would not have taken on the job in late 2014 had he know the true state of the club.

For example: off-field scandal, a wretched injury list, the departures of talented players and a trade request from star player – Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” Ablett Jnr.

Eade was told on Monday night that he would not have his contract renewed for 2018.

 

Regrettably, this is the sign of times in this cut throat sporting industry of ours, win and your in, lose and your well and truly screwed.

 

How would this lot react if they were given their marching orders?

 

Western Bulldogs

 

Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge had an accepting if not a distinguished approach: “I understand, it is now in God’s hands.”

 

“Yeah well, we’re gonna be short staffed today.” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron made certain he was indispensable to the executives of the club.

 

Shitney

 

John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire is no quitter: “I’m not fired! You’re fired!”

 

Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon finally confessed: ”Not sure if I hate my job or just hate working.”

 

Geelong

 

Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott had only this to say: “You will never find another me!”

 

Damian “Hardly” Hardwick prepared himself for the inevitable: “Due to my current workload, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice!”

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Shocked and stunned by the Bums Board brutality, Rodney “Rocket!” Eade brazenly concluded: “Take this job and shove it!”

 

“I’d have better leadership skills if I worked with better people.” Examined Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan.

 

Adelaide

 

Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke without reserve blasted: “Feed your own ego. I’m busy!”

 

John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold spat: “Sorry I annoyed you all by just doing my job.”

 

West Coast Eagles

 

Adam “Go West!” Simpson reminded who indeed is the smart one: “The hardest part of my job is being nice to stupid people like you lot.”

 

Motivationally speaking, Brendon “Thor!” Bolton lectured the following on his swift departure: “Telling me how to do my job really motivates me…to shove my foot up all your arses!”

 

St Kilda

 

Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson reasoned: “ I can only please one person today. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”

 

“I am putting you all on my to-do list!” Threatened Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin to the Board of Directors.

 

Hawthorn

 

Alistair “Big Mouth Strikes Again!” Clarkson took matters in his own hands: “I can’t come into work today, because I’m so sick of this shit!”

 

Justifying his abysmal performance with his clumsy Roos, Brad “Beam Me Way Down Below Scotty” Scott lamented: “People like you were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.”

 

Port Adelaide

 

Without a care in the world, Ken “Kinky” Hinkley stated: “You know what that sounds like?

Not my problem!”

 

Nathan “Hasta La Vista” Buckley reveals: “It’s just not worth the jail time.”

 

Makes you want to serenade you boss with this fine tune over loud speakers.

 

Tempting huh?

 

 

https://youtu.be/eIjEauGiRLo

 

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Position Vacant!…Giro Numero Venti…(Round 20)…

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV ask who is going to fill the shoes of the Football Operations Manager’s position. They have a unique way of applying to the position too…

employment

Between now and at the end of the year, the AFL will have a new Football Operation Manager that was vacated due the scandalous circumstances by Simon “Lethal Weapons” Lethlean back in mid July of this year.

Expressions of interest closed last Monday for the position left vacant by the departure just over three weeks ago.

So what does the best candidate actually should be looking for?

 

The AFL has listed the selection criteria’s for the best candidate for the job.

 

  • Ensuring all AFL and AWL matches are delivered according to the rules and regulations.
  • Overseeing the delivery of National AFL Talent Programs to develop and support the best male and female players, coaches and umpires.
  • Overseeing AFL umpires to ensure the game is well officiated.
  • Leading a large high performance team including all of their portfolios.
  • AFLW
  • Player education and welfare.
  • Ground operations.
  • Laws of the game.
  • Match Review Panel and the AFL Tribunal.

 

Clearly, what seems to missing in this job description for the new football boss is on-field management of this sport.

What about guiding, nurturing, overseeing the game, demonstrating a vital interest in ensuring the game remains honest and true.

This is a job for someone with a serious interest to what the game should be and who has the guts and determination to take it there.

 

Potential successful applicants have already submitted their CV’s hoping for the top job.

 

Here is a glimpse of these fellas typical distinguishing characteristics and what job they should really be applying for.

 

Adelaide – Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke spends most of the day looking out the window.

The Pilot.

 

BrisbaneChris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan is certainly not afraid of heights.

Imagine all the bottles of Windex Chris must go through!

Skyscraper Window Washer.

 

CarltonBrendan “Thor!” Bolton keeps talking in other people’s sleep.

University Professor.

 

CollingmaguirewoodNathan “Sayonara!” Buckley keeps running away from his black and white mental defective louts and keeps calling the police.

The Security Guard

 

EssendonJohn “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold still needs to iron out quite a lot of imperfections to ensure they’re smooth when you see them displayed in the stores.

Wrinkle Chaser (The Shoe Variety).

 

FremantleRoss “No Longer The Boss” Lyon copies and paste things on the Internet.

Student.

 

GeelongChris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott provides therapy for laptops abused by their human owners.                     IT Help Desk at Geelong Grammar.

 

Gold Coast BumsRodney “Rocket!” Eade ensures that his stupid Bums stay in the gene pool.                                                Swimming Instructor.

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?…)Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron needs to have an acute sense for this role; he can work in various industries. Leo is a veteran of this already with his thugs.                                                      Odour Judge.

 

HawthornAlistair “Big Mouth Strikes Again!” Clarkson shoots couples on their wedding day!

Photographer.

 

MelbourneSimon “Simon Says” Goodwin houses his Demons’ in.

Property Agent.

 

North MelbourneBrad “Beam Me Way Down Below” Scott always lies with statistics.

Statistician.

 

Port AdelaideKen “Kinky” Hinkley has what it takes to be observant for any inconsistencies with his Ports’ within the excrement collection.

Urinalysis Observer.

 

RichmondDamian “Hardly” Hardwick is a professional amateur, always wading into areas that he hardly knows anything about.

Social Communications Researcher.

 

St Kilda – Alan “You Can Call Me” Richardson keeps yelling: ”Shark! Shark!…Hey wait a minute…that’s no shark!”            Lifeguard at a Nude Beach.

 

ShitneyJohn “Here’s Johnny” Longmire shows up even though nobody actually called him, get paid for an answer they knew already and to a question they never asked.

PR Practitioner.

 

West Coast EaglesAdam “Go West!” Simpson seems to be so fly.

Flight Attendant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Western BulldogsLuke “St. Luke” Beveridge has the calming if not the pastoral pitch if there are any customers out there who are willing to sign up for plot B-9 today.

Telemarketer for a Cemetery.

 

Don’t give up your day jobs gentleman, on the hand maybe they all should!

 

As for us, we just don’t want to work. Nah! Nah! Nah! Not me!…Well not me!

 

https://youtu.be/2XYo5zaPw-4

 

 

 

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Like Wow!…Wipeout!…Giro Numero Dicianove…(Round 19)…

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV are trying to discover the WOW factor as the season end nears.

wipeout

Approaching the end of the AFL season 2017, time to start being brutal as to whom still has the wow factor and who is sadly wipeout for this year.

Four more rounds to go, the writing is already on the walls, preparation in culling some of these sporting professionals has already begun.

 

Can they be saved by the wow factor, historical brilliance of their sporting achievements, or is it time to put some of this lot out of their professional misery?

 

It’s only a matter of time.

 

Shitney

 

Lance “The Sheikh” Franklin has been charged with making unreasonable or unnecessary contact to the face of Luke “Podge” Hodge, during the first quarter on Friday night at the MCG.

Franklin can accept a $1500 sanction with an early plea.

 

Summary: This would have wiped out the smirk from off Buddy’s face!

 

Ironically, Luke “Podge” Hodge has been charged with striking Tom “Tom Thumb” Papley – Shitney Swans during the second quarter of this round match on Friday at the MCG.

 

Summary: Dumber and dumber if you ask us. They may be both gifted athletes, thankfully The Match Review Panel (MRP) were not wowed in any sense.

Break the rules and you’re wiped out regardless of your money and fame.

 

Melbourne

 

Who would have thought that Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin had his Demons would be the top eight?

Extraordinary impressive.

 

Summary: Highly likely Goodwin has the force and the wow to push this club even further.

 

One cannot deny the horror that took place within this club at the end of last season; Karma certainly came knocking on Bradley’s door that’s for sure.

 

Summary: Wipeout the colours of blue and white, and instead carry the dreaded disgusting colours of black and white.

 

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?…)

 

Truth should be acknowledged; the youngest club within the AFL league has been consistent all year much to all our chagrin.

 

Summary: Toby “Boofhead” Greene may be wowing his club with his performance; he is a nut job and a complete wipeout when it comes to fair game playing.

 

Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon can rest easy that his dopey Dockers won’t be waving that wooden spoon…for now that is.

 

Summary: An in-betweener, Lyon has the ability to wow his critics yet at the same time he can be a total wipeout with his convoluted theories about this game.

 

Port Adelaide

 

Ken “Kinky” Hinkley proving his critics wrong, his Ports are still in the AFL top eight. Dammit!

 

Summary: Unfortunately “Kinky” has the wow factor to push his boys to the finals.

 

Nick “Dikileaks” Riewoldt will play the Saints’ final four matches of the season and will finish 337 matches unless St Kilda makes a miraculous finals appearance.

 

Summary: Riewoldt could possibly be a wipeout but in a very honourable and memorable way.

 

Gold Coast Bums

 

Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” Ablett Jnr. Is really not here or there or anywhere to be seen, more off than actually on in this particular season.

 

Summary: Wow with his beloved Cats, total wipeout with the Gold Coast Bums.

 

Fate has certainly been cruel for us Punters with this mob stuffing up our tips this year. Toothless Tigers no more.

Their successful preparation so far hasn’t done us any favours. Hmmmpff!

 

Summary: Wow! Damian “Hardly” Hardwick is still alive and kicking professionally.

Wipeout the Tigers are renown to have cold feet when qualifying for the finals.

Mark our words!

 

Geelong

 

Patrick “Paddy” Dangerfield has been charged with engaging in rough conduct against Matthew “The Specialist” Kreuzer – Carlton during the third quarter this Saturday at the MCG.

Dangerfield can accept a one-match sanction with an early plea.

 

Summary: Either way play clean or Grand Final dream will be a total wipeout!

 

Not much can be said about Carlton this year, fielding in inexperience players, massive injury toll, lack lustered performance that frustrated not only the club but their die hard fans as well.

 

Summary: If the Blues slip even further from their current position on the almighty AFL ladder, Bolts along with his signature Cheshire cat grin along with his smooth talking won’t save him; it will be a wipeout in one of the most humiliating of circumstances.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Western Bulldogs

 

Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge is a man of strength; from resurrecting this club from the brink of death is truly remarkable. A revolutionary of all things impossible made possible.

 

Summary: Wow! Wow! Wow! Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge is the oracle when it comes to AFL football.

 

John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold is truly a force to be reckoned with, the Bombers are blitzing through this season.

 

Summary: Wow! An incredible achievement considering that the this club was almost destroyed a couple of years ago.

 

Adelaide

 

Eddie “Superman” Betts has signed on an extension with the Crows until 2020, his supernatural ability to kick goals even when he’s not looking is truly phenomenal.

 

Summary: Like wow! Without question, Betts has metaphysical powers.

 

Taylor “Jailer” Adams  – Collingmaguirewood has been charged with engaging in rough conduct against Rory “O’Lordy” Laird – Adelaide during the third quarter on Sunday at the MCG. Adams can accept a $1000 sanction with an early plea.

 

Summary: We conclude that Adams is a total wipeout along with Nathan “Sayonara” Buckley not forgetting Shitwood CEO – Gary “Puke” Pert as well.

Who’s next?…

 

West Coast Eagles

 

These fellas have been playing consistently throughout this season, Adam “Go West!” Simpson is pretty chuffed that his boys are still sitting pretty in the top eight.

 

Summary: The Eagles tenacity is wowing their club even without their star player Nic “Nic Nat” Natanui extended injury throughout this season.

 

What a shocker of a season for these lads, despite Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan first season with this club, conclusively this has been an “Annus Horriblis.”

Fagan’s head could be on the chopping block.

 

Summary: The raspberry prize awaits, Mr. Fagan you would definitely want to wipeout this season and wipe the slate clean and start again, that’s if you’re still standing.

 

 

Perhaps these groovy psychedelic dudes can teach this lot how to get the groove and blow their cool back into AFL football.

 

 

https://youtu.be/bkgOumIrSY8

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Money! Money! Money!…Giro Numero Diciotto…(Round 18)…

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have offered this little gem, free of GST!

money

The Australian Taxation Office has recently ruled that Australia’s millionaire athletes can funnel chunks of their earnings into low-tax trust funds.

The highest paid AFL stars, such as Nathan “Ferret” Fyfe, Lance “The Sheikh” Franklin as well as Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” Ablett Jr. can receive tax breaks of around $20,000 a year.

AFL players and other sports stars have won lucrative tax breaks for being famous so to speak, resulting in tens of thousands of dollars to the biggest stars.

Professional sports people will be eligible to cash in on their image, delivered by the Australian Tax Office.

 

The ATO has ruled the free kick is justified to compensate elite athletes for “exploitation of their “fame” and “image to promote their sport.

 

As for us poor punters, where is our long overdue tax break?

 

Oh wait a minute, current Australian Taxation Office analogy for the average Australian regardless of the mounting debt the Australian economy is facing:

  • The more hours you work = more taxes.
  • Lodging in your annual tax returns within the guidelines and the laws of the ATO.
  • Pay all your taxes within the due date of the ATO to avoid any penalties.
  • Anticipating a tax break just for some relief from all the other bloody taxes we all have to keep on paying.
  • Abiding the ATO law not deceiving it!
  • Totaling = Bugga all!

 

We are not earning squillions and quite simply we’re just not famous enough to meet the selection criteria according to the ATO.

 

Not so long ago, the ATO Deputy Commissioner – Michael “Cranky” Cranston was issued with a court attendance notice. As for his moronic son – Adam “Cretin” Cranston was arrested in one of Australia’s most entangled fraud investigation in which $165 million was stolen from the Australian Commonwealth.

So what did happen to the ATO corruption case?

First the scandal reared its ugly head in the media before being silenced faster than a speeding bullet?

 

Sports stars have got enough royalties through their endorsements; they don’t need an extra tax break.

 

Unbloodybelievable isn’t it?

 

Are the AFL stars really worth the tax break?

 

 

Adelaide

 

Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke had his own theory about being truthful about his earnings: “Honesty is the best policy when there’s money in it.”

 

Essendon

 

Keeping it real, John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold reminded his boys about the importance of saving a penny or two: “Don’t spend on all your health in search of wealth.”

 

Port Adelaide

 

Not too exactly sure if Ken “Kinky” Hinkley was referring to himself with this admission:

“A fool and his money get a lot of publicity.”

 

Western Bulldogs

 

Ever the loyal mentor; Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge enforced to his faithful followers the pitfalls of having too much wealth: “It is health that is real wealth not pieces of gold and silver.”

 

Shitney

 

Smug John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire made no bones about his stupidity as well as his prosperity: “I hate math’s but I do love counting my own money.”

 

Fremantle

 

Ross “ No Longer The Boss” Lyon wasn’t taking any chances, seeing that his wealth and job has been in question for quite some time, confessing: “Money is a matter of belief.”

 

GWS (Geez! Which State?)

 

“It’s safe for me to keep on making money from creativity.” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron was all smiles; his motley crew is regrettably this year’s Grand Final contenders.

 

West Coast Eagles

 

Cautiously, Adam “Go West!” Simpson is being resourceful with his earnings, calculating: “Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think.”

 

Carlton

 

Brendon “Thor!” Bolton kept his wallet safely tucked away for the just in case scenario when it comes to job and financial security at this time of the year in this cut throat sporting organization: “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back!”

 

 

Is money the root of all kinds of evil?

 

You decide?

 

 

https://youtu.be/ETxmCCsMoD0

 

 

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