ROund 4 selections from our DGES WORLD FAMOUS FOOTY TIPPING COMP tipsters and our ITALIAN CORRESPONDENTS, BYRD, MANKSI & UNCLE EV (The real Three Amigos?)
In April 2014, the notorious bandit El Guapo Andrew “Gaddafi” Demetriou and his gang of AFL thugs, Ghillon “McMoron” McLachlan, Tony “Geek” Peeks and Andrew “Dill” Dillon are collecting protection money from the not so fortunate AFL clubs in the small village of Santo CarlColMelb.
Meanwhile Lucky Day – Mick “Nearly Departed” Malthouse, Dusty Bottoms – Nathan “Braggadocio” Buckley and Ned Nederlander – Paul “Lose” Roos are part-time B-grade actors (when they are away from their coaching field) who portray the heroic Amigos on the screen. When they demand a salary increase, the studio boss fires them and evicts them from their studio-owned housing in the Docklands.
After breaking in to the studio to retrieve their signature costumes, the Amigos head for the “Chihuahua Bar” South Wharf – Docklands.
The next morning when four of El Gaupo (Demetriou) AFL thugs come to raid the small town of Santo CarlColMelb, the Amigos do a Hollywood-stunt show that leaves the thugs (McMoron, Geek and Dill) very confused. The bandits ride off, making everyone believe that the Amigos have defeated the enemy.
The village throws a boisterous celebration for the Amigos and their (supposed) victory.
In reality, the thugs inform El Guapo of what just happened, he decides to return in full force the next day and kill the Amigos.
Celebrating the Amigos conquest, in company with the towns folk enjoying a traditional meal of Chile Colorado (beef with chili sauce) El Guapo (Demetriou) and his AFL gringos burst inside the “Chihuahua Bar” hell bent in destroying the Amigos.
El Guapo and his imbecilic AFL bandits shooting their guns in the air threaten: “Do you know what “nada” means?”
“Isn’t that a light chicken gravy?” smirked Dusty Bottoms (Buckley) waving off El Guapo and his gringos continuing drinking shots of tequila by the bar.
Geek (Peeks) to Dill (Dillon): “How do you like your magpie?”
Dill (Dillon) swaggers over to a trembling Dusty Bottoms (Buckley), knocks off his tequila bottle from his hand, sculls his tequila, responds viciously: “Medium rare.”
The head chef – Pablo typically taking no notice of the catastrophe that’s just about to unfold inside the Chihuahua Bar delivers Birria (steamed goat), Pollo Encacahuatado (chicken in peanut sauce) and a big bowl of chili con carne with a crate of Corona beer to the table.
“Do you have anything besides Mexican food?” Grumbles Lucky Day (Malthouse)
Enraged taking off his filthy apron, wiping the sweat from his brow, Pablo leans over his teeth clenched, snaps in broken English: “Que es tu problema? Your jugadores (players) are no good, no es mi culpa, now eat or get out!”
Seeing that the situation was getting progressively worse, in desperation Ned Nederlander (Roos) suddenly stands on the table, hand on his heart declares: “No! We will not die like dogs. We will fight like lions! Because we are…
Dusty Bottoms (Buckley) Luck Day (Malthouse) and Ned Nederlander (Roos): “The Three Amigos!”
Victorious Ned Nederlander jumps off the table, falling on top of chef Pablo, picks himself up, walks up to El Guapo (Demetriou) challenges: “Tell us we will die like dogs!”
El Guapo confused scratching his lice infested hair: “Eh?”
Ned Nederlander continues: “Tell us we will die like dogs!”
Dusty Bottoms and Lucky Day are now slowly backing away towards the entrance of the Chihuahua Bar.
El Guapo murderously grinning with his tobacco stained teeth screams: “You WILL die like dogs!”
Narrowly missing being killed, The Three Amigos quickly get inside the 2014 Chevrolet Corvette parked outside belonging to El Guapo (Demetriou) he foolishly left the keys in the ignition, speeding off to destination nowhere on a full tank of petrol.
“Get them! Dead or alive” screamed El Guapo to his useless AFL thugs. To his horror, realizing his car has gone, El Guapo began sobbing uncontrollably: “My car! My beautiful car!”
Eventually locating The Three Amigos hiding inside a disused warehouse in Bacchus Marsh, El Guapo (Demetriou) and his good for nothing bandits carefully scoured the area.
“I know each one of you, like I know my own smell!” Seethed El Guapo as his AFL dimwits proudly looking on.
Lucky Day (Malthouse) to Dusty Bottoms (Buckley) muttering to each other: “Uh this is real. They are going to…KILL us.”
“Oh Great! Real bullets!” Panicked Ned Nederlander (Roos).
“You’re in a lot of trouble Mister!” Stepped out Lucky Day (Malthouse) unwisely facing the enemy.
“Can I have your watch when you’re dead?” Ridiculed Geek (Peeks).
“You dirt eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat” Yelled Dusty Bottoms (Buckley), Ned Nederlander (Roos) hiding behind his two Amigos, trembling.
Dill (Dillon) already ferocious, McMoron (McLachlan) and Geek (Peeks) aiming ready to shoot all Three Amigos. El Guapo (Demetriou) is lethal, steps forward: “And you called us scum-sucking pigs…US!”
Lucky Day (Malthouse) to El Guapo (Demetriou): “Not so fast Mister! Or I’ll pump you so full of lead you’ll be using your nose for a pencil!”
El Guapo: “What do you mean?”
Lucky Day “I don’t know.”
McMoron (McLachlan): “He means that if you…
El Guapo: SHUT UP!”
McMoron (McLachlan) innocently enquiries to El Guapo (Demetriou): “Could it be that once again you are angry for something else and you’re taking it out on me.”
Unexpectedly a total war erupts with El Guapo and McMoron over as to who will finally kill The Three Amigos.
El Guapo (Demetriou) McMoron (McLaughlan) Geek (Peeks) and Dill (Dillon) are all brandishing their guns threatening to shoot one another.
Shell shocked by this unexpected outcome, The Three Amigos ceased the perfect opportunity, carefully and with caution to sneak out.
Driving away in El Guapo’s (Demetriou) 2014 Chevrolet Corvette into the sunset.
The Three Amigos “Blue Shadows on the Trail”